I don’t know if you heard but there was a Royal Wedding this morning. I had the live stream on while I was sleeping so I could absorb all the festivities through osmosis. It didn’t quite work out as planned but the 500 degree heat in my room did cause me to wake up every few hours to random guys giving long speeches. It sort of reminded me of college. Did this thing really run for 5 hours? If I was at this wedding, I’d be looking at the minister or whoever and tapping my watch impatiently. And if I was a chick, I’d also be covering my ears like the bridesmaid up top and also shouting, “No, no, no, no, no!”

Anyway, I missed their “first” kiss. It was quick and not as dirty as I’d hoped.

This is probably exactly how Prince William kisses his grandmother. I would have gone all out. The entire bottom half of Kate Middleton’s face would have been in my mouth. Ceremony video under the cut.

The photo above of Kate Middleton and Prince William taken by Mario Testino will be featured on official royal wedding programs. The programs were just released to the public. You can see them here.

The Daily Mail says William and Kate spent time listening to potential wedding music on their iPods and prayers will be said that Kate may be “faithful to her husband” but only that William will “love his wife.”

Being the prince is good. Even if you cheat on your wife, you can legally get out of it by saying at no point did you promise you wouldn’t. The Royals are very crafty. Did a lawyer write these prayers?

Prince William will not be wearing a wedding ring after he gets married, a spokeswoman at the palace tells PEOPLE. They say there will be only one ring to rule them all. Wait, that’s Lord of the Rings. They say only Kate Middelton will be wearing a wedding band and it will be made from Welsh gold forged within the land of Mordor. Aw, crap. That’s LOTR again.

A tiny amount of gold mined from the Welsh mountains (not far from where the couple will start their married life on Anglesey,) has been kept in the royal vaults since it was originally presented to William’s grandmother, Queen Elizabeth.

The Queen has “given a piece of the gold that has been in the family for many years to Prince William as a gift,” a palace source says.

I don’t see why he wouldn’t wear one. Prince Charles wears one. Does this guy think he can convince chicks he’s still single? He’s the damn prince. I’d think people will have heard. That’s like Lindsay telling you she’ll keep an eye on your coke when you have to leave for a few minutes.

Prince William and Kate Middleton made their first joint appearance since their engagement on Thursday to launch and dedicate a lifeboat. Exciting!

“This is their first official engagement as a couple and also the first engagement where Miss Middleton has been invited as a guest of honor.”

“They both wanted their first joint engagement to take place in Anglesey, a place of much meaning,” the palace rep added.

After brief remarks from her Prince, royal-to-be Middleton poured champagne over the “Hereford Endeavor.”

The duo — stealing smiles and glances at one another throughout — then greeted locals and dignitaries. “They are a lovely couple. He is a great lad and she is a beautiful girl,” townswoman Jean Critchley told the Associated Press.

This is the final nail in the coffin. The reality has sunk in. All you little girls dreaming of becoming a princess either have to find a new dream or stalk Olivia Wilde’s ex.

Apparently the big news today is Prince William, 28, finally asked Kate Middleton to marry him crushing every girl’s dreams of becoming a princess. The announcement came Tuesday by way of royal officials.

The two met eight years ago at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. They had an on-again, off-again relationship until William finally proposed last month during a vacation in Kenya.

Middleton is the “daughter of self-made millionaires.” Her father worked for an airline and her mother an stewardess before starting a mail-order business for children’s parties. No venue has been announced but Popeater says,

“Prince William has informed the queen and other close members of his family,” the Clarence House statement said. “Prince William has also sought the permission of Miss Middleton’s father.” It said after the wedding, the couple will “live in north Wales, where Prince William will continue to serve with the Royal Air Force.”

They also add that Middleton was given Princess Diana’s ring which belonged to Prince Harry who happily handed it over. After Diana’s death, Harry chose to keep her ring while William chose her 18k yellow gold Cartier Tank Francaise watch that she taught him time on.

My friends told me to say Prince William used to be hot but now he looks like he’s balding which I think is their way of coping with not becoming a princess.

Palace officials made the wise decision to ban Prince William from being within a 50 mile radius of the Paris Hilton on New Year’s Eve. Fox News says Paris is tapped to host the Bongo Virus NYE bash that Prince William was also invited as a guest to. When the higher-ups found out Wonky Eye was there, they made the executive decision to take away his car keys and give him the talk about Paris’ airborne herpes even though “William really wanted to go.”

If you were wondering Paris’ NYE was going to be drama free, don’t worry, it’s probably not. One Night in Paris co-star Rock Salomon will also attend as might Sophie Monk and Benji Madden.

I think a good idea to help ring in the new year with Paris is to take her to the middle of the Australian outback and leave her there with only a bottle of pee and a knife and ask her, “You’ve seen Man vs Wild, right?,” and then just leave.

I kind of feel like that header pic too after these photos. Some ne’er-do-well or pervert — take your pick — was watching the heir to the throne Prince William take a leak in the middle of a game and decided it would be a great idea to snap pictures of his penis. Little did the photog know this makes him totally gay and, frankly, kind of weird. If you’re into royal golden showers, check the pictures after the jump. As always, NSFW and click through the thumbs for the uncensored.

Prince William and Harry were both partying hard at a nightclub in London. Harry proved how smooth he was by grabbing his friend Natalie Pinkham’s boob while distracting her with a kiss on the cheek. They make this seem like a bad thing. If I was a prince, I’d be pretty pissed if people told me it’s bad form to grab some girl’s tits at a club. It’s not like I grabbed her vagina. Not on camera anyway. I’m too wily for that.

Update: The Sun now says this is an old picture even though they just put it up. I guess it was a slow news day for them.