Kim Delaney, Army Wives star and problem drinker, was booted off stage at the Liberty Medal Award Ceremony when she showed up drunk and slurred her way through an incomprehensible and inappropriate speech. Attempting and failing to read off a teleprompter, Kim struggled through her speech as the crowd grew increasingly uncomfortable.

Kim started off describing how she “served in active military duty family for five years.” She went on to say, “I’ve seen soldiers come home with painful life altering injuries borne of their time and service. I’ve attended numerous military funerals, including that of my best friend’s son.”

Then, in a twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan jealous, Delaney pulls the rug out from under them. “It’s all make believe. I do that as a job. It’s make believe. I have the luxury to do all of this on a television show.” *Cue awkward silence*

Suffice to say, before she could finish her closing statement, she was ushered off stage.

CBS’ Philadelphia affiliate claimed Delaney was supposed to read her speech off a teleprompter but technical difficulties forced her to wing it.

Wow. The only way this could have gone worse is if she went on stage, put her middle finger in the air, screamed “Haha, f**k you, you poor dying saps,” and poured a bottle of Jack on the American flag. And it’d be only marginally worse at best.

Here’s Drew Barrymore returning to her hotel at 4:30 AM in London completely wasted to the point she’s going to fall asleep standing up. She looks all scraggly and hippy-ish that I could have sworn I threw a dollar in her cup the other day.

Nowadays, more people remember David Hasselhoff as the drunk guy eating a cheeseburger in that YouTube video than Mitch Buchannon in Baywatch or Michael Knight in Knight Rider. And that’s not going to change anytime soon. TMZ reports David was on the drunk warpath again. This time in Canada beating on old people.

Multiple sources tell us it all went down at the Cascade Casino, when The Hoff somehow got himself involved in an altercation with an elderly patron.

We’re told three casino security personnel were called to the scene … and Hoff was eventually escorted away.

But here’s the most shocking part … We’re told Hoff was seen drinking again just 7 hours later.

In David’s defense, you know how annoying old people can get what with their slow moving Rascal scooters and pointing of canes and eerie moans reminiscent of death when you punch them in a drunken stupor.

Danny DeVito did an interview with a local Philadelphia news station at 8 AM in the morning with beer in hand, already drunk and hitting on the reporter. This is the guy your mom warned you not to talk to when you were a kid. So, if you’re parent now, feel free to use this as a visual aid. I’m amazed DeVito didn’t put his hand up her skirt to double check she was wearing panties. He showed considerable restraint.

Cool! I didn’t know they had drunk vision for cameras. It really emphasizes how intoxicated Kate Moss is and lets the viewer imagine how she’s going to go home and pass out on her kid, pinning her between the floor and a quart of fresh vomit.

You know you’re drunk when you walk out of a club and your eyes don’t even line up right. If Sienna Miller’s eyes were open, it’d probably look like they were trying to escape out the side of her face. The guy next to her probably didn’t mind being her leaning post though. 9 out of 10 date rapists agree. This is the perfect time to take a girl home.

[Image via Splash News]

Pictures of a drunk Naomi Campbell going limp and falling down circulated across the internet the other day. The 38-year-old was shown eating it as a guy tried to grab her arm and a woman helped her up. Today, Naomi claims she wasn’t drunk, she was just playing a trust game.

Her agent told The Sun: “It was just a bit of fun and not down to drink. Naomi was playing this trust game, where you fall into a friend’s arms.

“It’s very hot there, so that could also have had something to do with it.”

Naomi and her rep are idiots. With the trust game, you fall backwards into the person’s arms, not sideways onto concrete. And the only way the weather could have had “something to do with it” is if the heat accelerated the absorption of alcohol through her body. Her rep should have just said Naomi was trying to do that Matrix move. You know, the one where Keanu Reeves gets plastered and trips over himself almost cracking his skull on the ground? Yea, that one.