Last we left R. Kelly it was 2007 and he had released 22 chapters of Trapped in the Closet.

Yesterday, Kelly told TMZ he has 32 new chapters of Trapped and all he needs is funding to film them.

Combined with his previous work, that’s 54 chapters or around 216 minutes of his “hip hopera.” And not one of those minutes is he peeing on an under-aged chick. This is so disappointing.

After less than a day of deliberation and 6 years after he was first charged, R. Kelly was acquitted of all 14 counts of child pornography. The jury reasoned that the videotape was not enough evidence to convict him. With the fancy CGI we have today, that could have very well been Chuck Norris peeing on that poor girl. Why’d you do it Chuck Norris? Why?!

Yesterday, R. Kelly’s former assistant claimed to be 110% sure it was her boss in that sex video and identified the girl who was said to be 13 or 14 at the time. Today, prosecutors are bringing in a witness to testify that she had a three-way with R. Kelly and the same girl and that she was also a minor when her tape was made.

Testimony by the woman, a single mother from Atlanta, was among the evidence discussed in secret hearings in April before Judge Vincent Gaughan. The judge closed those hearings to the public and put multiple court filings under seal because, he said, he wanted to minimize pretrial publicity.

R. Kelly should start picking out drapes for his new prison cell and also get crackin’ on that shiv because I hear inmates don’t take too kindly to people who have sex with children. Although, there is one way out of this. An ace R. Kelly has had up his sleeve for a while. His plan? Find a time machine to go back and not film himself having sex with a minor. But, wait, what’s this? Time machines don’t exist? Nooooo!

Lou Pearlman gets 25 years: Lou Pearlman, creator of the horrid boy bands Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync, was sentenced to 25 years in federal prison for a scam that “bilked thousands of investors out of their life savings.” Lou tricked investors out of $300 million since the early 80′s and plead guilty in March to conspiracy and money laundering. His victims were mostly the elderly who he took everything from.

The judge said he would reduce his sentence by one month for every $1 million he repaid, but it is unlikely he’ll pay everyone back. It is interesting to note that late last year news came out that Lou Pearlman is also a sexual predator who may or may not have had sex with Nick Carter. That part is unclear, but Nick’s mom said what Lou did almost ruined their family.

Clearly, this guy is a winner. A ceremony should be held in his honor and he should be given a golden statue for his humanitarian efforts. That’s what we’ll tell him anyway. In reality, this is more a ceremony of death. When he arrives, Lou will be surprised to learn that each guest has 5 minutes to bludgeon him with said statue which can be described as heavy and really pointy.

R. Kelly is in trouble: R. Kelly is currently on trial for a sex tape he made of himself defiling a 13 or 15-year-old girl. Yesterday, the jury watched the recording.

When the tape was played for the jury, it showed a man handing a female money at the beginning of their encounter and leaving more at the end.

In between, there are sex acts on a bearskin rug. The young woman dances for the man, and he urges her, “Dance faster, baby.” She calls him “Daddy.”

A rapt jury watched the tape in dim light on a 4-foot screen while Kelly sat grim-faced a few feet away. Kelly was indicted on child porn charges six years ago after the tape – now “People’s Exhibit No. 1″ – was sent to a Chicago Sun-Times reporter.

R. Kelly’s defense says that that is not R. Kelly on the tape because he has a mole and the person on the tape doesn’t. Also, the defense claims the victim they identified is not even the one in the video. Of course, their argument would have been more believable had R. Kelly not gotten an erection and asked juror #5 if he could pee on his daughter.

R. Kelly faces up to 15 years in jail if convicted of child pornography. He will go to trial Sept 17, five years after he videotaped himself having sex with a minor. Kelly has entered a not guilty plea. The delay was caused by arguments over when the tape was made. The trial was also pushed back when the judge broke some bones after a fall.

Prosecutors have said the girl could have been as young as 13, but defense attorneys have disputed her age and whether Kelly is on the tape. The underground videotape was widely circulated.

First R. Kelly has sex with a minor who might not have even hit puberty yet and then he films it. No rational person would videotape their own crimes. You don’t see tapes of me breaking into Angelina Jolie’s house, rifling through her underwear drawer and sniffing her panties. Partially because I can’t get past the front gate without tripping the alarm, but mostly because I’m not a moron.

In hearty news not related to Anna Nicole Smith, R. Kelly had emergency appendix surgery. Supposedly, doctors were concerned for the safety of the community. When asked, the hospital said “We had to remove it before it started peeing on underage children.” R. Kelly was unavailable for comment, but through his publicist, issued a statement saying “All y’all need to mind your own bidness, lest you get slapped upside the head with 9 inches of limp appendix.”