The Food Network’s Rachael Ray’s husband John Cusimano loves to be spit on and have dirty feet rubbed all over him. These are the claims Jeannine Walz makes in The National Enquirer. According to Jeannine, she and John carried on a five year affair where she was paid $500 a session to spit on him.

“We’d often have sessions at least twice a month … I virtually supported myself by spitting on him. But there was never any normal sex involved. He once offered to pay me $1,200 to perform a kinky sex act with him, but I refused.”

Reps for Rachael and John have laughed off the story. John should have just bought himself a llama. It might have been cheaper and made for a better story. He might have to watch out for Rachael though. I don’t think she’s ever eaten a llama. Monkey brains, snakes and penis maybe, but llama? No.

Martha Stewart sent four of her staffers to infiltrate a taping of Rachael Ray’s new talk show. The security guard recognized them and kicked them out for using fake names. You can read what People thought of the show here. Hint: Blah.

If you can take anything away from this story, it’s that prison won’t make you street smart. Now, you may say, “but you’ve never been to prison, how would you know?” I understand your concerns. With my innumerable volunteer work at local outreach programs, I assure you that I know what I’m talking about. Had I not been voted greatest big brother ever, I would not make these statements with such confidence. I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I’m your moral superior.