Before Courtney Stodden hits barely legal status, she’s got to make sure all her ducks are in a row. That’s why she threw on a skin tight strapless black mini dress and knee high black patent leather boots for a pitch meeting with VH1 to discuss her reality show. Nothing says “hire me” like shoving your 36-23-34 jailbait body in an exec’s face.

The now 17-year-old and her 51-year-old husband Dough Hutchison hit up LA afterward and told Radar that the meeting was great. “I had so much fun at the meeting with VH1 and I can’t wait to meet with MTV people too so my reality show can really get going!”

Not a bad plan. If VH1 won’t pick up the show, there’s an 80% chance MTV will. They only have three requirements for a reality show. That it be ridiculous, that the stars be borderline retarded and that there be ample cleavage. Check, check and check.

Paris Hilton will have a new reality series on the Oxygen network, says the New York Post. It won’t be anything like The Simple Life where a source claims she was “playing a campy version of herself.”

They say the show will give viewers a glimpse of the real Paris and her life “which is sometimes quite amazing.” I don’t see how doing lines of coke, smoking weed, drenching herself in champagne like she was on spring break and running over paps is that amazing, but I will admit that seeing how she smuggles drugs in her vagina would be pretty awesome.

No one knows when filming will begin because cameras weren’t following her during her August arrest but they say it could capture her doing community service. So we’ll get to see just the parts that make Paris look like a saint. They’ll probably spin it leaving out the cocaine arrest and just say Paris is giving back to the community. Which is laughable because the only thing she gives back to the community is super STDs. I’d rather hit myself in the crotch with a big rock than watch Paris Hilton on TV again.

If you watch reality tv like I do, you get drunk enough to stand it and then as people walk into frame, you point at them and call them sluts. Well, it turns out our petty name calling may have a kernel of truth.

According to the Post, reality shows like Celebrity Rehab and Jersey Shore are so worried about sexually transmitted diseases that they pass out Valtrex like M&M’s.

In a round-table discussion of reality show execs published yesterday in The Hollywood Reporter, SallyAnn Salsano, creator of “Jersey Shore,” says STDs are a constant concern.

“I do a full medical [for cast members] but I also do a lot of STD stuff,” she says.

“The network [VH1] requires me to do stuff with my patients that has no relevance to anything,” Dr. Drew Pinsky, the host of “Celebrity Rehab,” says.

“Like everyone on the set has to take [herpes medication] Valtrex,” he said.

“We hand it out like M&Ms!” Salsano said. ” ‘Hey kids, it’s time for Valtrex!’ It’s like a herpes nest. They’re all in there mixing it up.”

And she is still sensitive to criticism of the show, she admits.

“I got a lot of heat when ‘Jersey Shore’ came out,” Salsano told the group.

“But you know what? You can be as mad as you want.

“I was raised on Long Island, my dad is a sanitation worker, he drives a triple black Cadillac. Right now he’s sitting in his recliner chair with a Yankees symbol.

“Those are my people!”

I can easily imagine the whole cast of Jersey Shore getting Pez dispensers filled with Valtrex. It’s scary how in a word association game one can say Jersey Shore and the first response would be STD. Producers should give them some other stuff though. Preferably something that rhymes with chemical castration.

[Fame]

See? The title is in a form of a question because even I do not know the answer. After being dropped by her record label, Casablanca Records, Lindsay Lohan resorted to working for free for Ungaro fashion house. She even paid for her own flight and hotel. Although, that didn’t hurt too bad because Lindsay took $100,000 worth of clothes. Times are tough for the Lohan. So much so that reports are coming in that she may have signed on to do a reality tv series.

“She was being followed by a camera crew wherever she went,” a witness claimed. “We saw them filming her at the Vogue party and a bunch of other clubs around Paris.”

The best part about Lindsay being in her own reality tv series is that she’s always camera ready. Just look at her at the Rock The Kasbah event on Monday. Who wouldn’t want to watch that on tv? The weathered skin, the uneven tan, the drug induced coma, the “where am I, what’s going on” look of confusion. So sexy.

When VH1 canceled Megan Hauserman’s reality show Megan Wants a Millionaire after the whole Ryan Jenkins brutally murdered a model and dumped her body in a trash can thing, Megan had the opportunity to still take the spotlight by going to the press to talk about Jenkins who had supposedly won the contest. She didn’t because she had honor and class. Ha, no. VH1 promised her another show if she’d keep quiet. Her new show will move away from the dating format and will be unscripted despite requests by Megan for it to be the opposite.

Megan has whored herself to almost every reality show out there. All the other reality shows probably gather around the cooler to talk about what a reality show slut she is. They probably talk about all the degrading things they made her do and high five each other afterward. Those reality shows are real jerks.

There was a time when Lindsay Lohan was a promising young actress who also happened to be a stunner, as well. Of course, there was also a time when I was voted the best speller in my 4th grade class. Point is, you can’t live in the past. Lindsay may be rapidly approaching sexed-out junkie has-been status, but she’s still maybe smart enough to realize this. Which is why she’s staking a claim to a reality TV show to chronicle her attempted comeback.

The kicker here is she’s turned to Britney Spears’ manager, Larry Rudolph, for help to get this thing going. Rudolph’s done some good work with Brit, but this may be a bit much, even for him. Both these chicks have a history of volatile behavior, but it’s all a matter of degrees. Britney’s a car bomb. Lindsay Lohan is Hiroshima.

A reality show about how Michael Jackson’s brothers dealt with his death will soon air on A&E. Jackie, Tito, Jermaine and Marlon originally planned the series to feature a reunion with Michael. Michael never signed on and their plans were thwarted even more when their jerk of a brother had to die. Michael ruins everything! Regardless, they’ve decided to move ahead with the series changing the focus to Michael’s death instead of the reunion.

This is how you turn a positive into a negative. Like I always say, when God gives you lemons, make a reality show about how God is a fucking douchebag and how next time you see him you’re going to punch him in the face for giving you useless fruit.

Kevin Federline showed up at the Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic looking like he ate his kids. This is why you don’t give lazy bitches like K-Fed a monthly check. You know he’s going straight to the store to get 10 lbs. of Oreos and Doritos. Is it any surprise that he didn’t even do anything but “sit on a shaded patio sipping vodka and orange juice cocktails and smoke cigarettes” while other celebs like Verne Troyer competed in activities?

K-Fat probably breaks a sweat channel surfing. That looks like the only sport he actively competes in. He only watches NBC because he’s out of breath by the time he reaches channel 4.

Meanwhile, E! says he, his girlfriend Victoria Price and his sons are being tapped for their own reality show. Might as well. Even Tobey Maguire’s mom has one. It’d be sad if that fatass didn’t get one too.

Not exactly. Wendy Maguire, Tobey’s mom, and his brother, Weston, 15, have been tapped to star in a reality series called Growing Up Maguire. The series will follow Wendy, a single mother, through the trials and tribulations of raising her children in the entertainment industry. Weston will be randomly skateboarding, dirt biking and snowboarding through the series.

Aren’t reality shows usually for stars who are about to hit rock bottom and need the money. I know Tobey isn’t going to be in this, but he has enough from Spider-Man to take care of his mom and brother. At least enough so that his family doesn’t have to debase themselves on a reality show. Not only that, Tobey Maguire isn’t exactly the most exciting celebrity out there. The show is going to be 30 minutes of his mom calling him and asking what he wants in his lunchbox tomorrow. Your wrists might slit themselves after watching this.

E! says that the story of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag being kicked off the show was all a stunt to boost ratings. That or Spencer and Heidi realized they were nothing without reality tv and begged to be let back on.

Sources say that while they did leave the set, they’re going to have a “dramatic” return on Wednesday’s episode. On his Twitter, Spencer wrote: “say a prayer that NBC let’s us go back on and eat more disgusting things! Heidi ate a rats tail and three scorpions?” Which makes sense, I suppose, because after catching the last minute of Conan O’Brien, they were running commercials featuring those two nitwits.

I can’t believe I was duped into believing Spencer Pratt. That’s like being tricked by a piece of cardboard. Is this how Britney Spears feels all the time? Ugh. Not a good feeling. Now I know why she eats. To forget.

The above header photo is supposedly Heidi and Spencer arriving at LAX. It’s most likely a stunt because none of the photos actually show their faces and you know that if it was really them, they’d be mugging for the camera as soon as they left the plane. Spencer would let the paparazzi have a 24 hour feed into his colon if they asked.

[Image: Splash News]

News broke, more like dribbled, yesterday that Heidi and Spencer were acting like divas while filming I’m a Celebrity. They weren’t getting the star treatment they thought they deserved and were forced to live like the other D-listers. All signs pointed to them quitting the show sooner than later. And they did. Yesterday, in fact.

Only one day into shooting, TMZ says Heidi and Spencer walked off the show. The left after the live portion of yesterday’s show never to be heard from again.

Good. I hope their contract says that if they quit, they’ll be left in Costa Rica to fend for themselves. It’d be interesting to see how long it would take Spencer to sacrifice his “white devil” to a bloodthirsty tribe. They’d probably ask for her only once and the last thing Heidi would see before they take her away is Spencer slowly backing away like you would from a sleeping lion.

Audrina Patridge may be leaving The Hills after its fifth season but fear not, her big tits have opened up new doors. Audrina has signed up with Mark Burnett for her own Hills reality show which will follow her personal and professional life. Oh happy day.

I’ll be surprised if the camera films anything above her chest. The startling reveal at the end of the first season will probably be that Audrina has a face.