Rebecca Romijn is almost back to the kickass body she had before two little monsters were implanted in her womb causing her to either force them out through her vagina or cut them out. Now everyone is wondering how she lost the 60lbs that the little creatures inside of her forced her to gain without having to hit the gym. The answer? Breastfeeding.

“I think within the first three weeks, I took off like 35 lbs. without doing anything!” says says. “I haven’t been able to work out that much because I have twins. It’s impossible to get back into a regular schedule.”

But she does acknowledge, “I’m not pretending to be back to the shape I was in beforehand anyway. I still have a ways to go. We’ve got Spanx underneath almost everything.”

Oh, breastfeeding won’t work miracles. Good to know. Because I’ve been trying to get babies to suckle milk out of my nipples for the past three weeks and I’ve only lost 5 pounds. I think more so from stealing babies out of carriages and running away than anything else. Fun fact: Did you know men can’t produce milk? I do. Now.

Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell are the proud parents of twin daughters Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip. The two were born Dec. 28.

Having their birthday so close to Christmas could be bad. Depending on whether or not they celebrate it, Rebecca and Jerry might decide to combine the two events and give them one present. This is made worse by them being twins. It may mean even more combining! Now they have to fight over who gets to play with their Christmas/birthday present. As they mature, they will eventually hate their parents for doing this to them.

In related news, I’m no longer allowed in the maternity ward. Apparently, a new baby is supposed to be a “joyous” occasion. Yea, well, tell that to the kid over there whose mother just snuck out of the hospital. I’m sure he’ll be real happy locked underneath the staircase of his adoptive parents’ house.

Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell are expecting twins. Both babies will be girls a source tells PEOPLE. A week ago O’Connell told PEOPLE that they were trying to get pregnant.

“It would be amazing if it happened,” he said, adding that practicing has been “a lot of fun.”

If I was banging Rebecca Romijn, trying for a baby would be too much added pressure for me. Mainly because she’s really hot and every time we’d do it, I’d probably pull out and finish on her face and each time, I’ll have to apologize profusely through choked sobs. It’d be pretty frustrating. “Sigh, looks like we’ll have to do it again,” I’ll sadly mutter.

Rebecca Romijn did an ad for Bebe and I think it turned out well. She’s amazingly hot here and I’d go to her house and gush about my infatuation with her in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for the fact she changed her address for the third time.

Jerry O’Connell, husband to Rebecca Romijn, realizes fate dealt him a pretty good hand which is why he tells USA Today he wants to have as many children as possible with Rebecca. Presumably to tie down the transgendered Ugly Betty guest star into a loveless marriage.

“We’re definitely working at it,” O’Connell says. “It’s never as easy as everybody thinks. It just isn’t. When you’re married to Rebecca, you should try to have as many children as possible,” he adds. “And I want to do that before she figures out that she could do a lot better than me.”

The question then becomes: If Rebecca Romijn brings beauty and, er, more beauty to the table, what does Jerry bring? A sense of humor? A full head of hair? Brains? Another quality that will be of little importance if the baby is a girl? I suppose she needs his sperm, but other than that, I don’t see Jerry contributing too much to this relationship. Sorry, Jerry. It seems your usefulness stops at opening the random jar and checking that weird noise downstairs which, for some reason, sounds like an un-medicated ex-con with a machete, a rope and a penchant for torture.

Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn’s one month anniversary took place on August 14, but he forgot about it. That’s why he changed all his security codes to the anniversary date so he would remember next time. The brilliant idea lasted for about 2 minutes. Jerry told Star,

“I changed all my bank and security codes to my anniversary,” he said. After realizing that he’d revealed too much, Jerry added, “Now I have to change them back.”

Darn. I was looking forward to siphoning those 5 dollars from his bank account. The last big thing I remember him in was Sliders and it sucked. Yet, he’s married to Rebecca Romijn and I’m stuck here reading medical journals on face transplants. Oh, lookie here. It says he doesn’t even have to be unconscious to operate. Saves me some money on that baseball bat I was going to buy.

Jerry O’Connell and Rebbecca Romijn are set to marry very soon. They are aiming for a small and quiet wedding this holiday season because that’s all the rage especially when they tell everyone about it. Jerry goes on to say how much of a nancy he is:

I just get very nervous and I don’t know exactly what to wear and I just want everything to be right!

Here’s a honeymoon tip for that stud Jerry. It’s called a condom and the brand doesn’t matter. You want to unwrap it, stretch it out a little and then pull it over your head until you pass out. Yes, that’s how a condom works. It says so right on the wrapper, “Prevents unwanted pregnancies.”