Dagger-chinned Reese Witherspoon showed up at the premiere of This Means War in a low cut top and black skirt and there isn’t one picture here where she’s not smiling hard. She needs to seriously calm down because this is starting to get creepy.

Wearing these leggings is knowingly tempting the cameltoe gods. Reese Witherspoon must have stood in front of her mirror this morning and screamed, “Come at me, cameltoe.” And it did. So now you know the story of why we’re seeing the outline of Reese Withterspoon’s vagina today.

This story is boring so I decided to spice it up a little. Reese Witherspoon was out jogging in Santa Monica Wednesday afternoon when an 84-year-old woman tried to murder her with a car. She failed as the aura of celebrity prevented Reese from being seriously injured.

The incident occurred during a jog in Santa Monica, Calif., a rep for the actress, 35, confirms to PEOPLE. The driver, an 84-year-old woman, was cited for failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk, say reports.

Explaining that she was not seriously injured, the rep says Witherspoon is “resting comfortably at home.” — PEOPLE

I’m surprised a bunch of paparazzi didn’t descend on her like locusts offering her a hand and a call to an ambulance and then give her their cards telling her that since they did her a solid, she should do them a solid.

Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift finally hung out after bonding at the Academy of Country Music Awards over the fact that they’re both from Tennessee. They got lunch at Boa Steakhouse last week and ended up talking about their mutual ex, Jake Gyllenhaal.

“They talked about how vain and self-aborbed Jake can be,” a source tells Us Weekly. “They laughed about it.”

Jake Gyllenhaal’s exes getting together for lunch to laugh about how he stares into the mirror every night and asks who in the land is the fairest of all? Yep. Looks like everything went as expected.

Reese Witherspoon walked out of a doctor’s office after picking up medicine from the pharmacy looking like this. Slightly fat thereby fueling speculation that three months after their wedding, Reese and her husband Tim Roth are expecting. This would be her third kid if true.

“It’s no secret that Reese wants to have children with Jim,” says an insider in this week’s OK! “They have been trying for some time now. They are already a wonderful family — the only thing missing is a new baby.”

“Reese may be pregnant already. Her stomach isn’t washboard flat and people have definitely noticed,” says the insider. “She’s relaxed her exercise routine a lot — Reese typically hits the pavement for a long run every morning.”

On the bright side… wait, there’s no bright side to pregnancy. You get a parasite growing in you for eight months and then when it pops out, you have to take care of it and feed it for 18+ years. It’s like the movie Alien but the only difference is you can’t kill the thing with a flamethrower.

Reese Witherspoon won the Generation Award at the 2011 MTV Movie Awards last night which I think is kind of insulting because what that boils down to is a bunch of little kids calling Reese old.

Anyway, she graciously accepted and poked fun at Blake Lively’s nude photos during her speech. Reese quipped, “I get it, girls, that it’s cool to be a bad girl. But it is possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show. When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed. And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people! Hide your face!”

Did Reese Witherspoon really just give a “back in my day” story? Was Pleasantville really that long ago? Aw, crap. Those 13-year-old brainwashed Twilight fans were right. She is old. So old that those kids probably only know who she is because they have the six degrees of Robert Pattinson tattooed on their arm.

In related news, Robert Pattinson totally f**ked Reese Witherspoon.

Dagger chinned actress Reese Witherspoon and her CAA agent boyfriend Jim Toth are now engaged. Toth does not represent Reese. Her rep told Us, “They are extremely happy.”

Oh, whew. Because I thought they would be extremely pissed. Boy, was I wrong.

Witherspoon and actor Ryan Phillippe divorced in 2008 after seven years together; the former spouses share daughter Ava, 11, and Deacon, 7. Insiders told Us Weekly that Toth has “bonded” with Witherspoon’s kids. In fact, while Witherspoon shot This Means War in Vancouver last fall, Toth stayed with her little ones at her home in L.A.’s Brentwood area. “Ava and Deacon are happy with him,” the source adds.

How hard is it to bond with an 11 and 7 year old? The key to their hearts is a lot of candy, staying up past their bed time, letting them watch movies their mother won’t let them watch and threatening to whip them with your belt if they screw this up for you.

Pointy chinned munchkin Reese Witherspoon is in the January issue of Glamour and says that now that she’s older, she’s more confident in her sexuality.

“I think as a woman, you get older, you feel more confident in your sexuality,” she tells the January issue of Glamour, according to JustJared. “You’re not as intimidated by it, not as embarrassed by it. Sexuality and femininity is an accumulation of age and wisdom and comfort in your own skin. I feel better – so much better now than I ever did in my twenties.”

Her message to actresses who feel all the good roles go to younger women? “There’s always going to be somebody younger or sexier,” she says. “That’s why I like to say, and it’s become my famous line, ‘Funny doesn’t sag.’”

I’m really happy for you, Reese Witherspoon, but bottom line: Does this mean you’re going to get naked or make more romantic comedies? Remember. One door leads to my happiness and the other leads to me kicking a kid down the stairs. You don’t want a child to be kicked down the stairs do you, Reese Witherspoon?

That’s what Janet Charlton says anyway. According to Janet, who screams from the rooftops that Jake Gyllenhaal is not gay, the real reason his relationship with Reese Witherspoon didn’t work out was she didn’t approve of him always hitting the bong. Reese was afraid it would be a bad influence on her kids.

So it was a choice between getting high or living a life with that pointy-chinned high-pitched chihuahua. I think Jake made the right choice.

[Fame]

The pointy chinned Reese Witherspoon and damsel in distress Jake Gyllenhaal have split. E! claims this happened two weeks ago. PEOPLE reports that Witherspoon told friends over Thanksgiving. GossipCop (really?) says it was “amicable and mutual”.

However, early this month Gyllenhaal called Reese his “girlfriend” during a press conference for his film Brothers. Although, the report doesn’t say how he said “girlfriend”. Maybe he said it like gay people do and then snapped his fingers. Because that could have a completely different meaning.

Another source says “the relationship just ended. It just fizzled. But they also wanted to be careful and private about it because of Reese’s kids.”

Fizzled is a great way to describe the relationship and both of them in general. They seem like they could be exciting to begin with, but later on everyone finds out they’re really boring to watch and interest in them sort of peters out. Before I read this, I didn’t even know Jake and Reese were still alive. Also, I was about to ask one of them for comment, but I didn’t want to die of boredom.

Jake Gyllenhaal has moved in with Reese Witherspoon’s $5 million L.A. home claims Star Magazine and with the relocation comes a few rules Reese has laid down for Jake.

First, the basics: no shoes in the house, empty the trash when three-quarters full, no feet on the coffee table.

Second, the domestic bliss rules: no swearing, if he swears, he must apologize, daily discussions at the dinner table, consult before making plans for dinner or yoga.

Third and final, the more personal rule: leave your balls at the door, you won’t be needing them in this house. Muahahaha.

Honestly, this house sucks. It’s like having your very essence raped over and over again by a strap-on. So, in other words, perfect for Jake.

Us says that Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have moved in together and that Jake is even helping raise the two kids she has with Ryan Phillippe. They also say they are working towards marriage and this is the first step.

“Marriage is definitely what they are working toward. They literally don’t want to spend any time away from each other.”

Did anyone tell Jake they finally legalized gay marriage in California. Jake might want to know before he commits to anything. In particular, anything with a vagina.

These shots of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal tell me three things. One, Jake’s facial expression is forever frozen in an effervescent smile. Two, Reese Witherspoon is a little dopey. Three, Jake might be gay because no straight man puts a bandanna on their German Shepherd.