If you showed someone Renee Zellweger’s cover from Bazaar Russia and they had no idea who she was and you told them she was a famous actress, you’d probably have to sit through 10 minutes of, “Noooo. What? No way. Get outta here.”

Renee Zellweger put on 25 pounds for the first Bridget Jones’s Diary, she quickly lost it all but regained it for the 2004 sequel. Now she says she won’t be going through that again. Being fat sucks, apparently.

“I had a panic attack with all the specialists talking about how bad this is for you long-term, putting on that much weight in short periods of time and they’re all saying, ‘You must stop this now or you’re going to die,’” Zellweger said.

“For two days it’s bliss and then you’re full, OK? Then after a week your glucose levels are going crazy. You’re up and down and all over the place. It doesn’t feel good, and no one wants to hear that, but it’s the truth.”

Instead, Renee plans on wearing a fat suit. Not only does Christian Bale disapprove but so does Eddie Murphy. Eddie thought he had the whole terrible movies with fat suits market cornered. If Bridget Jones makes any fart jokes, mark Eddie Murphy’s words, there will be hell to pay.

Two people no one cares about may be dating but you wouldn’t know by the looks of it. Page Six says John Mayer is boinking Renee Zelwegger but was on a double date in Brooklyn over the weekend with an unidentified woman.

The singer hit Pub One’s newly opened garden in DUMBO Sunday night with an unidentified woman and another couple. The foursome enjoyed beers, margaritas and burgers, according to a spy, and stayed for a leisurely meal. Mayer came complete with a Brooklyn look, “dressed casually in a plaid parka,” we’re told. Reports have said he’s discreetly dating Renée Zellweger but the relationship isn’t serious.

Yawn. Unicorns could ride out of rainbows that shot out of John Mayer and Renee Zellweger’s assess while they have sex and still no one would care about these two.

Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper split just last week but she’s already bounced back. She hit up a friend’s birthday party at La Esquina restaurant Saturday wearing “a skin-tight black dress and amazing lace-up shoes.”

An eyewitness, probably her publicist, said, “she looked smokin’ hot.” They continued, “at one point, three waiters came up to see if the table needed anything because they wanted to check out Renee.”

Yep, that definitely sounds like her publicist. By that same token, the waiters at every restaurant I go to must be checking me out because they come over to my table about four maybe five times asking if I need anything else. My goodness. I must be so attractive. That’s not sarcasm by the way.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it. Lemony Snicket broke up with Bradley Cooper because he was an infidel. I mean because of his infidelity. Star magazine claims Bradley Cooper was having affairs with Sandra Bullock and Jessica Biel during his relationship with Renee Zellweger and that there is photographic evidence. Quick, someone call the pixel police.

One of the pictures shows the actor leaving a hotel minutes apart from one of the beauties and an eyewitness told Star they looked “flustered and unkempt.”

Reps for the couple didn’t comment, but an insider tells Star, “Bradley has been looking for a way out of this relationship for months.”

Not like the guy couldn’t have been banging another chick from the same hotel. Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe he was just up there eating ice cream, talking about PMS and cramping and giving each other mani-pedis. Let me ask you this, did his hands look real nice and soft when he left? Uh, oh yea. Of course that’s related to what I just said. Heh heh. Why would you think otherwise?

Renee Zellweger was walking down LA and I’m not sure if she knows what happens when you wear really tight pants and have a vagina but, uh, at least everybody else knows now. Thanks?

Renee Zellweger left her house for her daily jog and, jesus, don’t girls wear sports bras to jog? I don’t remember them ever making a girl’s chest look like this. Any perkier and NASA would be trying to figure out how her breasts defy gravity. Is this bra even street legal?

Lemonface has already carved “Zellweger + Cooper” into the tree outside her house so obviously she’s planning on marriage. Page Six says,

First, Zellweger was photographed last week by Star magazine at the Carolina Herrera boutique in West Hollywood, where a big rack of wedding gowns was wheeled by. After browsing for two hours, she left with a garment bag. “She just kept smiling when asked if she’s getting married,” the weekly reports. Second, she and Cooper had lunch with her parents yesterday at the Tribeca Grand. Could it be he asked her father for her hand in marriage?

A lot of people think Bradley Cooper is gay but I don’t see it. Maybe he’s just a good looking guy that dresses well and loves spray tan. A lot of straight guys are like that. Ricky Martin, for example. Oh… wait.

[Fame]

Hayden Panettiere wasn’t the only one who became a real boy yesterday. Renee Zellweger did too. She showed off her short cut at the premiere of My Own Love Song.

So not only does she weigh 75lbs and look like she’s being forced to smell dog crap, but now she also looks like a dude. Wow. It’s like Renee turned my fantasy into reality. Get out of my head, Renee!

[Pacific Coast News]

Alec Baldwin recently criticized Hollywood actresses for being so skinny. I assume he’s just pissed that it really magnifies his fatassness by comparison. Alec went as far as to say he would never physically be able to shoot sex scenes with actresses such as Renee Zellweger because he would end up crushing them. Once again. With his fatassness. Alec joked, “Women today are so skinny. If I did a love scene with them, I would crush them. If I did a love scene with Renee, I would kill her!”

I’m sure Renee and the others will be heartbroken that they’ll never get to make fake love with Alec Baldwin. I know I would be too if I was one of said skinny actresses. To have that man lying on top of you breathing heavily and squirming around trying to position himself sounds like a dream come true. Alas, it’ll never happen. Why would he deprive women of such romance? What a jerk.

[Hampton Festival, October 8. Image via Splash News]

Bradley Cooper dated Jennifer Aniston’s fug ass for a brief second and then left her for the perma-lemon-faced Renee Zellweger. Jennifer Aniston feels “screwed over” by Cooper’s decision. Friends say not to worry and that “she’s used to being single and in work mode, and she’s used to rejection.” Wow. Jennifer’s friends sound lovely.

“She wanted to turn her date with Cooper into something…she honestly feels screwed over,” a pal tells Us of Aniston, who dined at NYC eatery Il Cantinori on June 18 with her He’s Just Not That Into You costar — a few weeks before he began dating Zellweger.

Aniston “doesn’t see what Renee has that she doesn’t,” continues the pal.

But friends of Zellweger, currently starring in My One and Only, detail why Cooper fell for the “no drama” actress.

“She just does her thing, has her friends and her life and is cool. She’s really happy and doesn’t need anyone to feel complete,” says one.

Adds another: “She’ll show up wearing a sexy dress and Louboutins, but will still order a beer and rattle off the dirty jokes.”

You mean Cooper didn’t want a girl who would cling to him like he was her last breath of air? Like he was her last chance at reproduction? A girl who would whine and pout whenever he wasn’t around and would take every opportunity to remind him just how boring she is? I don’t see why Cooper wouldn’t want that. That guy must be a real weirdo.

Page Six says Renee and Bradley may be over so I don’t know what the hell is going on.

Renee Zellweger always looks like she’s sucking on a lemon in a lot of her pictures. Maybe that’s just a side effect of trying to be skinny, but it’s unsettling. Other times she looks retarded. Like a Frankenstein wondering why people are snapping photos of her.

Anyway, she’s taking a break from acting. Renee told Glamour: “I want to learn more. I want to know more. That’s what taking this time is about. I’m curious about so many things, but haven’t had occasion to be exposed to them enough to really appreciate them.”

No, Renee! Please don’t leave and so on and so on. Sorry, I just couldn’t muster up the energy to beg her to stay. I mean, I could have. It’s just. Do we really need to see a third Bridget Jones or another western where Renee makes it blatantly obvious that cowboys aren’t too choosy about their women?

[Glamour via Popeater]

I’m going to name my guilty obsession. It’s Beauty and the Geek. I just watched the latest one and the show is obviously rigged. Rigged I say! If that UFC chick doesn’t give someone a lay then I’m going to be pretty disappointed.

• Clint Eastwood got plastic surgery? [CityRag]
• Cameron Diaz moves to her next victim. A surfer. [ASL]
• Renee Zellweger does Vogue. [ICYDK]
• Trump Vodka launched. [Celebrity Smack]
• Ryan Seacrest is made of wax. [Hot Momma Gossip]
• Bigot Brother. [Celebitchy]
• Volver baby. [Pajiba]