You’re not going to believe this, but Ricky Martin just admitted on his website that he’s gay. Like homosexual Smithers from Simpsons gay. Not happy gay. Oh, I know. I couldn’t believe it either. Especially when he acted like a consummate straight.

A few months ago I decided to write my memoirs, a project I knew was going to bring me closer to an amazing turning point in my life. From the moment I wrote the first phrase I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside. Writing this account of my life, I got very close to my truth. And thisis something worth celebrating.

For many years, there has been only one place where I am in touch with my emotions fearlessly and that’s the stage. Being on stage fills my soul in many ways, almost completely. It’s my vice. The music, the lights and the roar of the audience are elements that make me feel capable of anything. This rush of adrenaline is incredibly addictive. I don’t ever want to stop feeling these emotions. But it is serenity that brings me to where I’m at right now. An amazing emotional place of comprehension, reflection and enlightenment. At this moment I’m feeling the same freedom I usually feel only on stage, without a doubt, I need to share.

Many people told me: “Ricky it’s not important”, “it’s not worth it”, “all the years you’ve worked and everything you’ve built will collapse”, “many people in the world are not ready to accept your truth, your reality, your nature”. Because all this advice came from people who I love dearly, I decided to move on with my life not sharing with the world my entire truth. Allowing myself to be seduced by fear and insecurity became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Today I take full responsibility for my decisions and my actions.

If someone asked me today, “Ricky, what are you afraid of?” I would answer “the blood that runs through the streets of countries at war…child slavery, terrorism…the cynicism of some people in positions of power, the misinterpretation of faith.” But fear of my truth? Not at all! On the contrary, It fills me with strength and courage. This is just what I need especially now that I am the father of two beautiful boys that are so full of light and who with their outlook teach me new things every day. To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids where born with. Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment.

These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed.

What will happen from now on? It doesn’t matter. I can only focus on what’s happening to me in this moment. The word “happiness” takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution.

I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am.

If you could see me right now, I’d have two hands on the sides of my face with my jaw dropped open like Culkin in Home Alone. Man, this came out of nowhere. Do you think he ever told his “partner” with whom he worked out on the beach with? I bet he’d be just as shocked.

Ricky Martin unveiled his 4-month-old twins Matteo and Valentino born via surrogate to PEOPLE in this week’s issue. The 36-year-old singer, who’s been rumored to be gay, talked to the magazine about fatherhood:

PEOPLE: Describe this time in your life
MARTIN: I’m so happy! Everything they do, from smiling to crying, feels like a blessing. Being a father feels amazing. This has been the most spiritual moment in my life.

How hands-on are you as a father?
I don’t have a nanny. I’m doing this on my own because I don’t want to miss a moment. I have a personal assistant who helps me, someone who takes care of me while I’m taking care of them, but I’m the one who changes the diapers, the one that feeds them, the one that bathes them, the one that puts them to sleep. For any parent, the first couple of months tend to get a little bit intense.

Why did you choose to become a parent via surrogate?
Adoption was one option, but it’s complicated and can take a long time. Surrogacy was an intriguing and faster option. I thought, ‘I’m going to jump into this with no fear.’

I don’t know why anyone would willingly procreate. The only good thing about babies is you can blame stuff on them. Like if you broke a vase. Blame the baby for knocking it down. Or if you crashed the car on the way home from the bar. Blame the baby for stealing your keys. Or if you impregnate another woman. Blame the baby’s crying for driving you insane and into the arms of another woman. Other than that perk, I don’t see what the big deal is.

Ricky Martin yesterday became father to twin boys through a surrogate mother.

“The children, delivered via gestational surrogacy, are healthy and already under Ricky’s full-time care,” said the statement. “Ricky is elated to begin this new chapter in his life as a parent and will be spending the remainder of the year out of the public spotlight in order to spend time with his children.”

It’s funny when they say Ricky will spend the next year out of the spotlight. The AP probably gave his reps a funny look and asked, “Ricky who? Oh, him. Isn’t he gay?!” Anyway, isn’t he gay? My magic 8-ball says, “All signs point to yes.”

No one knows whether Ricky Martin is gay, straight, really gay or ultra gay. Except for maybe his beautician, “skin care guru” Ole Henriksen who was recently interviewed by a Swedish magazine. One question he was asked was who, besides his partner, he’d consider going on a romantic getaway with. His gushing reply,

“I’d go for Stig Tøfting (former Danish soccer player) but since he’s straight, I’d say my client Ricky Martin.”

The moral of this story is to never trust your beautician. Sure, they keep your skin looking flawless, but they have really loose lips. Like one time my beautician told a bunch of supermodels how I donated thousands of dollars to the Make A Wish foundation. “Dude, so not cool, it was supposed to be anonymous.” I made sure to say that loudly in front of said supermodels.

At a Saturday night concert at Connecticut casino, Ricky Martin stunned fans by showing nude footage of himself and inserting f-bombs into the lyrics of his songs.

“The singer shocked the crowd at his concert on Saturday night with sexy video clips showing him in the buff, his private parts barely concealed.”

Ricky’s attempt to become edgier by using “fuck” in his performance backfired when he combined it with nude footage of himself. Is it any surprise that I’m not the least bit turned on by this? In fact, I am so turned off right now my penis retreated into my colon and won’t come out. I called the doctor and told him to send his hottest nurse down here to check it out, STAT. That jerk hung up on me. I thought vets were not only cheaper, but friendlier.

Christian Chavez of Mexican band RBD recently came out of the closet. In an act of solidarity, Ricky Martin spoke on his behalf. The gyrating singer says,

“Life is too short to live closed up, guarding what you say. [Christian] has to be free in many aspects. I wish him much strength.”

Ricky Martin’s own sexuality has been subject to speculation for years now. I can declare without a shadow of a doubt, Ricky Martin is more man than Clint Eastwood. Some people may attempt to discredit this by way of certain pictures. But I ask you America, do two toned males frolicking about the beach in Speedos both checking out each other’s packages make them gay? Besides, what’s a few minutes of butt slapping and towel snapping among friends?

• Eva Mendes in British GQ. [Bastardly]
• And in Shape. [Popbytes]
• Anna Nicole Smith taking methadone when she was pregnant. [MollyGood]
• Charlize Theron offends CNN guy. [Celebrity Smack]

• Cheryl Burke and Joey Lawrence’s younger brother. (Yay. Obscurity) [SOW]
• Ricky Martin flips off Bush. [Celebitchy]
• Taylor Hicks the diva. [Celeb Slam]
• Ashley Olsen’s fur pleads for their lives. [CityRag]

• Nora Jones not fat? [Glitterati]
• She’s just a little tease. [Pajiba]
• Beyonce is impressed by the airbrush magic. [ICYDK]
• Victoria Beckham’s nipples. [Yeeeah!]

A nationwide search for pre-pubscent boys to revive Menudo has begun. If you don’t remember or most likely never heard of Menudo, they were a teenybopper Spanish/English child boy band back in the late 80′s with Ricky Martin as its most famous member. So, you have to ask yourself, is the world ready for this? Yes, o god yes. Allow me to quote this aspiring child star:

“If I wind up the next Ricky Martin or Marc Anthony, that would be great!”

Right on, because then you can fulfill your dreams of frolicking on a beach with another man in speedos while the public questions your sexuality. You just have to admire the enthusiasm of youth. I genuinely hope that kid realizes his dream so he can look back on this quote.

You know, I actually remember this group. I believe I too once had Menuditis after seeing them. It was horrible, the puking, the headaches, the confusion and the seizures…or was that meningitis. No, I’m pretty sure it was Menuditis because with meningitis, I would have had the satisfaction of becoming deaf.

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