For reasons yet unknown or that I’m too lazy to search for, Rihanna walked out of her New York hotel in a bathrobe dressed as Cleopatra. Alright, so I wanted to know why and apparently she performed Where Have You Been at the Robin Hood Foundation gala in NYC dressed as Cleopatra. That’s cool, I guess. You know what would have been cooler? A bear on a unicycle. I’m just sayin’.

Rihanna showed up at the Battleship premiere in a, um, white gown where she did the Angelina Jolie leg thing. She looked alright, I suppose. I’m not really a great judge of fashion. My idea of fancy is wearing pants.

Everybody was stupefied and a lot of head shaking was going on when Rihanna collaborated with Chris Brown on two tracks, one of which was a remix of Birthday Cake. This was followed by rumors that they were and had been hooking up again.

Well, whether or not that happened, consider it over now that Chris Brown’s remix of Kanye West’s Theraflu is out. Chris raps,

Don’t fuck with my old bitches
Like a bad fur
Every industry nigga did had her
Trick or treat like a pumpkin just to smash her
Bitches breaking codes
But I’m the password

These lyrics have led to a 21st century break-up and the ultimate sign that their relationship can’t be saved. The mutual unfollowing of each other on Twitter.

Rihanna tweeted, “Aw, poor dat #neaux1currrrr,” before unfollowing Brown. While Chris, tweeted, “Assumptions! I didn’t say any names so if u took offense to it then its something you feel guilty about,” before unfollowing Rihanna.

Granted, half of those lyrics are indecipherable. I’m pretty sure most rap songs are 50% what rappers want to say and 50% words that sound cool. It’s like the lyrical version of holding a gun sideways.

Rihanna is the latest celebrity to be tricked into posing for Terry Richardson. In this one, Terry told Rihanna to wear short shorts and pull them up real high into her ass crack. “Mm, just like that,” he said while rubbing his crotch. Oh, wait, sorry. Sometimes I get my Terry Richardson and John Travolta stories mixed up. To be fair, they’re interchangeable.

Producers and show head Lorne Michaels were a little pissed when Rihanna ditched final rehearsal for her Saturday Night Live gig on Saturday. She called in sick for dress rehearsal which is done live in front of a studio audience before the actual show. Rihanna’s choreographer danced to her songs.

Rihanna later showed up looking fine. Staff were shocked and felt she didn’t look sick enough to miss dress rehearsal. Of course, this is big star Rihanna so no one said anything.

According to our sources, once the live show got going, Rihanna was seen eating an apple and walking around in between songs … which bothered several staffers because she did not seem ill at all.

We’re told producers can’t even remember the last time someone has skipped the dress rehearsal.

Sources close to Rihanna tell TMZ she went through every rehearsal except the dress rehearsal (which she was in the building for) because she just felt too ill to do it. We’re told RiRi had a doctor come to her dressing room before the show and administer a shot of penicillin before she went on. TMZ

A rep said Rihanna was sick and needed to save her voice. Not like she needed to rehearse anyway. One of the songs she performed was Birthday Cake, which is a minute long, before heading into Talk That Talk and the only dancing she needed to do there was slap her vag over and over in case people didn’t understand the innuendo. Check out the videos after the jump.

Rihanna performs Where Have You Been

Birthday Cake and Talk That Talk

Well, not really, but close enough. Fresh off her role in Haywire, possibly retired-MMA star Gina Carano has signed on to be in the next Fast & Furious, number 6 if you can believe it, alongside Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez and Dwayne Johnson. Another star rumored to be in it is Rihanna.

Though just a rumor for now, Carano thinks the casting would be a great idea telling E!, “I would love to see me and Rihanna go at it. That would be hot.”

Let me repeat that. A MMA fighter wants to fight Rihanna. Chris Brown just got hard.

Rihanna hit up a strip club in NYC on Tuesday tweeting, “Best stress reliever= $tripper$. Kill it Tip it #Cake.”

Shoving a bunch of dollar bills into a girl’s g-string and then showering her with ones while her stripper friend simulates eating her out would relax anyone. It’s like being a philanthropist but instead of donating to charities, you’re actually donating to just Charity.

Rihanna posted the above photo of herself on Instagram of her at Coachella rolling a fat blunt off some dude’s head. She captioned it, “Memories don’t live like people do #coachella.”

The Mirror is stirring the pot asking whether or not the weed looked powdery white because of the light bouncing off it. Hint: yes.

The question they should be asking though is “how did it feel to have your dome used as a pothead’s cutting board?” Very degrading or just a little?

Rihanna uploaded more photos from her Hawaiian vacation from last winter onto Facebook. These include her lounging in a bikini, swimming in a bikini, horseback riding maybe in a bikini and doing other various activities in a bikini. To make your life easier, almost nipple slip here and taking top off here dancing near in a mini-waterfall and terrifying her friend with her ass here.

In an interview with Elle, Rihanna opens up about the Chris Brown incident. You know, the one where he punched her in the face a hundred times. Rihanna defends reconciling with Brown saying she’s gonna do what she’s gonna do. That’s the spirit! You show those fans who are sort of concerned for you.

“The bottom line is that everyone thinks differently. It’s very hard for me to accept, but I get it,” she said in the interview. “People end up wasting their time on the blogs or whatever, ranting away, and that’s all right. Because tomorrow I’m still going to be the same person. I’m still going to do what I want to do.”

Rihanna adds that the Chris Brown thing made her stronger. And not just because of the new found tensile strength in her face after those micro-fractures healed. “It gave me guns. I was like, well, fuck. They know more about me than I want them to know. It’s embarrassing. But that was my opening. That was my liberation, my moment of bring it. […] Now you know that, so you can say what you want about it. I don’t have anything to hide.”

Well good for her. Looks like she’s over it. No one should let a solid beating get in the way of a great friendship.

Rihanna finally went back to black. She tweeted a photo of her new/old color with just the caption “Cuz I’m black bitch.” That sentence is either missing an “a” or a comma. In these type of situations, just nod your head and say nothing in order to not sound racist.

In other Rihanna news, now that she has Battleship on her resume, she denied rumors of being asked to play Whitney Houston but said that she’d be honored to take the part if she was offered. “I didn’t get that call yet,” said the 24-year-old, adding: “That would be something that I would have to give my entire life to do because I would want to really pull it off. That’s a huge, huge role and whoever does it has to do a good job.”

“I met her at a Clive Davis party. I love her. She’s one of my big music icons, and I have always looked up to her,” she continued.

“My first song that I remember falling in love with was a Whitney Houston song – I Will Always Love You. All of her music actually was always played in my house, with Mariah Carey and Celine Dion. It was really inspiring and it made me develop a passion for music, so really she’s partly responsible for me being here in this industry.”

A bunch of studio execs just started drooling like Pavlov’s dog and are trying to greenlight this right now. Their pitch is basically, “Imagine this. Rihanna. Whitney Houston. Bags of money.” Then the studio head just said, “You had me at bags of money.” Though at least one person would say this is a terrible idea.

Clay Aiken hasn’t been relevant since American Idol. The only time he’s been in the news is when people ask why he looks so androgynous or when he’s on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen telling people Rihanna would never make it past the first round of auditions on American Idol.

When asked which pop singer today wouldn’t make it past the first round of auditions on “American Idol,” Aiken was taken aback … because, according to him, it’s too hard to pick just one!

“There’s too many, I’ve stopped listening to them because they can’t sing” he said, before ultimately deciding on Rihanna … because she has “some pitch problems.” Too Fab

Oh, snap. It’s on. Well, it would be if Rihanna had any idea who Clay Aiken is. If you asked Rihanna about this, she’d just be like:

Rihanna was at a press conference for Battleship in London when a reporter asked in the most long-winded way possible whether or not she was dating Ashton Kutcher. I think because asking questions about the actual movie which was named after an old board game but has nothing to do with the old board game because now there are aliens involved would be pretty inane. Anyway, Rihanna got all offended. You can actually see her expression change from a smile to utter disappointment in the video.

“Wow, how disappointing was that question,” she said. “I’m happy and I’m single, if that’s what you’re really asking.”

Oh, boo hoo. What did you expect when people saw you peel away from Ashton’s place at 4 in the morning. But whatever. If you want a real question, let’s move on and ask Liam Neeson how much he got paid to dial it in.