Fresh from being dumped by Lindsay, Riley Giles went to the News of the World to talk about his relationship with the Mean Girl. The site verbally jerks “extreme daredevil” Riley off as he describes the first time they met in rehab and shared an against the rules kiss in a corridor. Then upon leaving the center, they shacked up in a cabin and “went at it like rabbits.” Riley insists Lindsay would have “worn out most guys” and explains why Lindsay replaced drugs with sex with a reading from his rehab handbook.

“When you orgasm, your endorphins shoot up and it becomes a massive natural high. If you have an addictive personality like Lindsay you need that to replace the highs you got from taking drugs all the time. Sex became a key part of her recovery. And we didn’t get out of bed for days. It was the perfect place—roaring fires with amazing views over the Sundance ski resort. The first time we had sex I couldn’t believe I was looking down at Lindsay Lohan naked. We’d barely gotten through the door when we just ripped each other’s clothes off. Lindsay is so hot. She has a great body. Her backside is fantastic, perfect, all plump and round.”

Lindsay is back in L.A. and Riley says he’s afraid she’ll go back to her old ways. Aww, see how much Riley cares for Lindsay? He cares so much that he exploited her for money. This story would be a lot better if Lindsay’s new addiction was kicking Riley Giles in the nuts because that’s what I feel like doing and having Lindsay do it would save me some hassle.