Rob Lowe, as Drew Peterson, is untouchable, b*tch. The opening and closing of the garage door about 5 times is for added dramatic effect. Spine. Meet chills.

Rob Lowe’s former nanny, Jessica Gibson, finally went public with her claims on Tuesday’s Today show. Jessica alleges Rob “placed his hand inside her pants” on more than one occasion and grabbed her ass without her consent. The suit also alleges Rob’s wife, Sheryl, walked around the house naked, made vulgar comments and talked about her sex life with her. Asked why she would keep working for the Lowe’s if this was going on, Jessica explained, “I love the children. I needed the job. I thought it would get better, and I was scared.” Lowe’s attorney said,

“Ms. Gibson’s older sister worked for the Lowes for 7 years. Ms. Gibson worked for the Lowes on and off for 7 years. She left at least 2 times, to pursue other jobs, and returned each time asking for more hours. She sent 2 emails the day after she left, both saying she loved the Lowes and her leaving had nothing to do with them but her heart wasn’t into being a nanny anymore.

One time I hired a maid to clean my house. She handcuffed me to a chair, stripped me naked and did a lap dance for me. Oddly enough, it turns out she wasn’t a maid at all and it also turns out that $5,000 I found in my housemate’s drawer was actually his life savings. Whoops, sorry man. But if it’s any consolation, the lap dance was freaking awesome.

One of Rob Lowe’s former nannies is trying to extort him out of $1.5 million. She told him to pay up by the end of the week or she’ll accuse Rob of sexual harassment, infidelity and accuse his wife Sheryl of abuse. Yesterday, Rob went public with her threat and revealed two SMS messages that refute her claims.

Today, Rob Lowe has filed suit against two of his former nannies and a former chef. He is saying the nanny’s [Jessica Gibson's] claim that he had sex with her is defamatory. He is suing the chef Peter Clements because he regularly had sex on their bed with strangers, stole prescription medication, broke security cameras, stole food, stole their mail and operated a catering business on the side. Rob also claims Clements conspired with other ex-employees to spread “malicious lies.”

See, this is why I got out of the personal chef business. Too much cooking and not enough sleeping with strangers in celebrities’ beds like I was promised. Sure, I got a few panties, but eventually they lose their scent and then I’m just the “weirdo with Kate Beckinsale’s underwear in my drawer.” The judge’s words, not mine.

Here’s a guy who hasn’t been in the news for a while. Rob Lowe has gotten approval to build his dream home on his $8.5 million Montecito lot. His neighbor is complaining that this will obstruct his panoramic view of the ocean. This isn’t only because the house is going to be massive, but also because of the 24-foot high privacy headge he’s planning on building.

Lowe’s proposal is to build a 9,860-square-foot home with a 2,000-square-foot basement, an 800-square-foot guest house, an 800-square-foot second-story cabana with an 800-square-foot garage below. There will also be a swimming pool, spa and tennis court.

Usually when you move into a new house, you want your neighbors to like you instead of mumbling stuff at you everytime you pass by. Believe me, answering the door at 4 AM in the morning and finding a dead cat reeking of urine with a note saying “U R Next” stapled to its head is a little unnerving.