In early December, while Kristen Stewart was filming Snow White and the Huntsman in England, Robert Pattinson left La Poubelle restaurant with actress Sarah Roemer and was seen… STROKING HER HAND IN THE BACK OF A CAR! Uh oh. Twi-hards, assemble!

An insider tells OK!, “Rob’s one of the world’s biggest heartthrobs and Kristen’s never been able to relax the whole time she’s been with him. This was, like, her worst fear realized.”

Of course, Rob says nothing happened. Though why he would admit something like that is beyond me. Regardless, Rob is scared Kristen might get all pissy when she comes home and be all *makes constipated face* and now he’s trying to save their relationship by… buying her a diamond ring? What? I’m sure there are 20 other ways to look less guilty than proposing marriage. If I was Rob, I’d just laugh it off. But try not to do a forced laugh for 5 minutes straight because then it gets suspicious. And, frankly, sort of awkward.

Hey, Twilight forum member Robsten257. You better hold off on your plan of marrying your internet boyfriend on the same day as Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s wedding day or on the same day as the final Twilight release because he was seen leaving a Los Feliz bar with Sarah Roemer (Disturbia, The Event) which is not a pseudonym for Kristen Stewart.

It’s claimed that Pattinson and Roemer had spent the evening with friends in the bar, before the group made their way to Soho House in West Hollywood.
The pair are then alleged to have left Soho House together in a car driven by Roemer.
Robert is likely to know Sarah through girlfriend Kristen, who worked with the actress on her 2007 film Cutlass. Daily Mail

Oh no. Cue the irrational outrage at rumors and the hysterically crying fans asking their desktop wallpapers how RPatz could do this to KStew. *Tears up Twilight wedding dress*

Naturally, Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner showed up to the Twilight premiere as well. Kristen supposedly stole the show wearing a split dress which showed off her pale legs.

For her premiere look, Stewart (with her tresses pulled up) donned a long, sequined J. Mendel gown with a sexy, thigh-high slit that accentuated her legs and towering Jimmy Choo heels. Finishing up the look was a dazzling Neil Lane ring — amethyst, diamonds and platinum — worth $38,000 Us

Hubba hubba said the fake vampire to the other fake vampire.

Promoting Real Steel, Hugh Jackman talked about the time him, director Baz Luhrmann and Twilight’s Robert Pattinson karaoked together in a bar in Tokyo. The only thing is is Robert Pattinson didn’t want to dress up like a Japanese school girl with Hugh while doing karaoke. What’s up with that, Robert Pattinson?!

“I actually did karaoke with Rob. That’s random, isn’t it?” he said. “We were on our way to Japan, and he was promoting ['Twilight'] and I didn’t talk to him at all on the flight, because he’s this really tall guy with a hood over his head literally, and every time I’d go to the bathroom, I’d be like, ‘Man, that guy takes some serious sleeping pills,’ because this was him [slumps over] the whole time.”

But the twosome quickly went from strangers on a plane to friends at a bar. “When he got out, I was like, ‘Hey, man,’ and Baz Luhrmann was also on the flight because we were promoting ‘Australia.’ So we went out to this Japanese karaoke bar, and we invited Rob, and he came,” he said. “And it was so much fun. Man, he’s got a voice. Really soulful.”

Jackman expanded a bit on the night’s debauchery, revealing what really goes on at a Japanese karaoke bar, for the uninitiated.

“The first thing you do is you get inside this room, the doors are closed, and there’s, like, eight of you,” Jackman explained. “So it feels a little weird. And then all of a sudden, they open, and they bring in these boxes, which are basically [full of] dress-up [clothes], and it’s all girls’ clothes. I was a schoolgirl, Baz got dressed up, and Rob did not. He was too cool for school.” MTV News

I wonder if these bars are designed specifically for famous celebrities like Hugh Jackman. First they dress up like Japanese schoolgirls for an innocent night of crooning and the next thing you know, a video of them ends up in an obscure fetish shop in the Red Light District. It’s like the new tentacle rape.

It’s common knowledge that Kristen Stewart is dating Robert Pattinson but you wouldn’t know it by talking to her because she’s not very forthright about it. Mostly because it’s so obvious.

The actress remarks during her cover photoshoot that she is hoping to explore the UK more during her time here for filming of Snow White and the Hunstman, ‘because my boyfriend is English.’

When the writer comments on the remark the following day during their interview, the famously coy star replied, ‘I never would have said that if I knew you were interviewing me.’

But when it is pointed out that all their fans know about the long-term relationship by now, as her goings-on are so easily monitored in the press, Kristen offers an unexpectedly frank reply.

‘Yeah, I know it is,’ she tells the magazine. ‘So much of my life is so easily googled. I mean, it’s like, come on guys, it’s so obvious! The Daily Mail

This is just like Twilight, you guys!

Interviewer: “Say it, say it!”
Stewart: *pauses* *looks at interviewer* “V-v-v-ampi, er, I mean, R-r-r-obert Pattinson.”

If you hadn’t swooned yet today then obviously you didn’t make it into Hall H for the Twilight panel featuring such stars as Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Robert Pattison’s retarded haircut.

I wasn’t there either because I’m not a lunatic. Consequently, I have no idea what questions were asked but I expect every other person wanted to know about the sex scene (it was very true to the book according to Kristen Stewart). But was there sparkly penis?! Someone answer me. Stop pretending the string cheese I’m shoving in your face isn’t a mic!

Fine. Whatever. On to more pressing matters. Namely Robert Pattinson’s hair. What. The. F**k. It looks like he had second thoughts in the middle of shaving his head. Let me guess. His new stylist is Team Jacob.

It’s for a new movie he’s doing called “My Hair Dresser Has Parkinsons”. Just kidding, it’s called “Cosmopolis.”

Movies! They’re just like real life. While Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart wouldn’t give the public what they’ve been yearning for, a kiss on television, they did do it backstage. E! says they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. A source describes, “it was during the commercial breaks when the cameras weren’t rolling and the lights were dimmed that Robert got fully comfortable with each other.”

“After they presented an award, Rob and Kristen stayed on-stage where they held hands and he kept drawing her closer to him,” an MTV attendee tells us. “But as soon as the lights went up, they scurried off stage.” Like two horny jackals, I’m guessing.

This affection spilled over to the MTV Movie Awards afterparty at Soho House in West Hollywood. The two kept walking away from the crowds to have “private moments” with each other. “Kristen was showing Rob something on her cell phone and the two were laughing about it. He couldn’t keep his hands off her, and she was smiling the entire time. They were definitely enjoying themselves at the party.” I hope she was showing Rob Tubgirl. That always heightens the mood.

“Rob and Kristen seemed really comfortable with each other and with showing their affection in public,” adds our eyewitness. “At one point, they sat down at a table with Emma Stone and her friends and kept playfully touching each other and stealing quick kisses throughout the convo. Both were in great spirits.”

E! also mentions Kristen changed from her fancy awards dress (above) to the regular outfit she loves wearing, “checkered sneakers, black skinny jeans and a ripped white T-shirt that exposed her black bra.” Because nothing says “take me now” more than a girl who looks like she just got raped at a truck stop bathroom.

Good news, gay Twilight fans. It seems you haven’t been left out of the franchise as last night at the MTV Movie Awards, Robert Pattinson ditched Kristen Stewart to make out with Taylor Lautner. LOLZ!

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson won Best Kiss at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday and instead of giving every Twilight fan a nerd boner by kissing, Pattinson ran through the crowd to plant one on co-star Taylor Lautner. Mass giggling ensued. You know Cindy will be talking about this today in homeroom.

Hottest. Llama. Makeout Sesh. Ever.

Last month while promoting Water for Elephants, Robert Pattinson sat down with Matt Lauer and told him that he was at a circus once when he was kid and watched as a clown car exploded causing one of the clowns to die. It was a very relevant story. Maybe a little too relevant.

In Germany for the film’s premiere, Robert Pattinson admitted to a presenter that he lied. Pattinson said, “I had nothing interesting to say, so I told him ‘the clown died.’”

There you have it Twilight fans. You no longer have to grieve for Robert Pattinson. So take that prayer shrine out of your locker. He’ll be just fine.

Robert Pattinson was interviewed by Matt Lauer on Today where he explained his completely rational fear of clowns which is actually related to Water for Elephants which he was promoting.

Pattinson said the first time he ever went to a circus, he watched a clown die. He told Lauer, “The first time I went to a circus, somebody died. “One of the clowns died.”

Lauer pressed Robert for details and he explained, “His little car exploded. The joke car exploded on him. Seriously! Everybody ran out. It was terrifying. And that’s the only time I’ve ever been to the circus.”

The other clowns running around the car flailing their arms and honking their noses while giggling maniacally will haunt him forever.

While filming Water for Elephants, teen vampire Robert Pattinson wore period pants. Probably to keep his sandy vagina from leaking. I think. Well, maybe he can explain it better.

“Every single thing which built the world was all totally real,” says Robert. “I even had authentic period underpants. They do actually help, as well. I actually wore them every single day. Jacqueline West, the costume designer, was unbelievable. Almost everything was real. It was crazy.”

The director said diva-like behavior was down 80% after Pattinson donned the period pants.  It worked so well, American Idol producers ordered a pair for J.Lo with double padding.

Summit Entertainment released a hi-res version of a still from the much anticipated Edward/Bella sex scene in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1. Is it as beautiful as you imagined, Twilight fans? Don’t worry, I’ll give you 5 minutes to finish your shrieking before you have to answer the question.

Also, I never imagined vampire sex would be so calm. Bella must have been lying about being a virgin. What a whore.

Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner seem to be very friendly on set. Pattinson even makes Lautner’s nipples hard. He fondly recounted to Now Magazine:

‘I liked the tent scene because I have to grab Taylor’s chest and his nipples get hard really easily,’ laughs Rob, 24. ‘We had to re-shoot the scene basically for that reason!’

‘It seems like I’m always picking on Taylor, but the funniest moment was when he was in this little grey Spandex suit he sometimes had to wear for the CGI,’ Rob reveals.

‘Taylor quite frequently out-mans me, so seeing him in that little Spandex outfit made me feel much better about myself.

‘He looked great in it, though. Very sexy!’

Wait. So are these two gay for each other or what because I don’t giggle like a schoolgirl about it when I have to rub my friend’s nipples. I usually cry and beg them to stop and to let me go and that I won’t tell the cops.