Rolling Stone brought back Katy Perry again for no other reason than to take pictures of her breasts. This time in costume as two Hershey Kisses. Oh and here’s the requisite tit quote which is s a rehash from other interviews she’s done.

It took Perry a while to learn to embrace her body. “I started praying for [breasts] when I was, like, 11,” she says. “And God answered that prayer above and beyond, by, like, 100 times, until I was like, ‘Please, stop, God. I can’t see my feet anymore. Please stop!’ I was a lot more rectangular then. I didn’t understand my body. Someone in sixth grade called me ‘Over-the-shoulder boulder holder.’ I didn’t know I could use them. So, what I did was, I started taping them down. How long did I tape them down for? Probably until I was about 19. And, no, I don’t have any psychological pain because of it.” [Rolling Stone]

Taping down your amazing breasts until you’re 19 is a travesty. If only Katy Perry knew about the support group that teaches hot girls how to feel comfortable with their huge boobs which meets every Saturday in my bedroom. Don’t ask why they’re only allowed to be in their bra and panties. It’s part of the program. Look, do you want to be cured or not?

Sorry for the low quality pictures. Hopefully HQ ones make their way online soon.

Rihanna is in the latest issue of Rolling Stone and in the interview she talks about Chris Brown’s restraining order, being spanked and acting in Battleship, a movie about the board game. Hey, Hollywood. Go f**k yourself.

On easing the restraining order: “That’s my decision,” she says. “It doesn’t mean we’re gonna make up, or even talk again. It just means I didn’t want to object to the judge.”

On how the Chris Brown incident changed her: “I put my guard up so hard,” she says. “I didn’t want people to see me cry. I didn’t want people to feel bad for me. It was a very vulnerable time in my life, and I refused to let that be the image. I wanted them to see me as, ‘I’m fine, I’m tough.’ I put that up until it felt real.”

On being spanked: “Being submissive in the bedroom is really fun,” she says. “You get to be a little lady, to have somebody be macho and in charge of your shit. That’s fun to me…I like to be spanked. Being tied up is fun. I like to keep it spontaneous. Sometimes whips and chains can be overly planned – you gotta stop, get the whip from the drawer downstairs. I’d rather have him use his hands.” She goes on to recount a recent trip to a sex shop in Sydney called the Toolshed, where she left with two full bags of whips, blindfolds and dildos. The takeaway? “Don’t go to a sex store tipsy.”

On Skype sex: “When you’re not with the person you want to be intimate with, a picture is the next best thing. Well, Skype is safer. But a picture lasts a long time. When you’re alone, and those horny moments come up, pictures can be very handy.”

On sexting: “I haven’t gotten a d*ck picture in a long time. I think people are a little afraid. It can turn out bad.”

On filming for Battleship: “There were times I would walk up to her like, ‘Are you really handling this?’” says Battleship director Peter Berg. “She would just laugh at me. She said she was really enjoying not having to drive the ship – not having to be running this huge Rihanna machine.”

On being a victim of abuse: “I do think I’m a bit of a masochist,” she says this evening. “It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I noticed until recently. I think it’s common for people who witness abuse in their household. They can never smell how beautiful a rose is unless they get pricked by a thorn.” She thinks it explains her attraction to tattoos (14 and counting, including a skull with a pink hair bow on her left Achilles, a pistol on her right rib cage and the words Never a Failure, Always a Lesson on her collarbone), as well as her “love-hate relationship” with the media, and the fact that the darkest moments of her life are out there for public consumption. “When I think about it, I really do take some pleasure in the negativity,” she says. “I don’t want to say turned on by it – but I’m turned on by it.”

Excellent. My checklist for meeting Rihanna is complete. When I first introduce myself, I’ll tell her there are no restraining orders against me. Then I’ll spontaneously whip and spank her. Then I will text her a picture of my d*ck. This is pretty much a fool proof plan for getting her to fall in love with  me. How can it fail?

File this under: Never going to happen, you pickle eating Oompa Loompa. Jersey Shore’s Snooki, real name Nicole Polizzi, did an interview with Rolling Stone and gave a bunch of quotes that makes her seem out of touch with reality. Firstly, if you’re wondering, she does realize she looks like a drunken mess half the time.

Polizzi says that she always watches Jersey Shore, but she rarely likes what she sees. “If I do something stupid, which is pretty much the whole time, I hate it,” she says. “I just hate it. Obviously, they’re only going to put the good stuff in, and the good stuff is us drunk, so all I’m seeing is me drunk and falling down. That’s how I am when I party, but some of the stuff I do is, like, ‘Really, Nicole?’ I look like a freakin’ alcoholic. I’m like, ‘You’re sweating, your makeup is running, you look gross.’ I just look like shit.”

Secondly, she plans on turning herself into a brand like Jessica Simpson did. How she’s going to do this without talent or good looks is beyond me.

Polizzi has big plans for her future. “When Jersey Shore ends I’m going to do more spinoffs,” she says. “If MTV doesn’t want them, another network will be, like, ‘What does Snooki do now?’ or ‘Snooki’s getting married!’ What I’d like is to turn out like Jessica Simpson, with her whole brand. She makes millions…I’m trying to build an empire, because after this I can’t get a normal job. I mean, how do I go and sit behind a desk?”

I’d be surprised if she even got her face on a jar of pickles. Although she may have already struck a secret deal with Starbucks. This might be hard to hear, but no one is going to wonder “What’s Snooki doing now” unless they’re VH1 and out of ideas for new I Love the [insert decade here] shows. Even then, that would be a simple question to answer. Face down on the floor in the men’s bathroom at a club.

Later on in the interview, Snooki claims to have only slept with one person on the show. Her boyfriend.

Despite the endless parade of men in her bed, Polizzi rarely goes all the way with her smush partners. “The only person I’ve had sex with on Jersey Shore is my boyfriend,” she says. “The guys you see me bring home, we’re only cuddling and making out like any other person would do, but we’re on camera and the whole world’s seeing it, and it does look like I’m having sex.”

I hope this is true. The less chance Snooki has to procreate the better. We don’t need mini-Snookis slithering out of her vag running around looking for people to smush.

On Wednesday, a Rolling Stone released an interview with Justin Bieber where they asked him serious questions that required him to think for himself. One of them was about abortion and whether or not he thought rape victims should be allowed them. Bieber said he didn’t agree with abortions and that everything happens for a reason. Rolling Stone since edited the original quote claiming it was incomplete due to an editing error. New quote below:

“I really don’t believe in abortion,” Bieber says. “It’s like killing a baby.” How about in cases of rape? “Um. Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.”

Contributing editor Vanessa Grigoriadis says the quote is being misconstrued.

“I think he meant that God has a plan,” she told PopEater. “Even for the most die-hard Christian, it’s hard to justify rape as part of God’s plan, and harder to justify rape that leads to pregnancy and abortion. I think he was wrestling with that in his answer, which I found to be solid and logical. I think it is being widely misunderstood. He did not say that rape was part of God’s plan.”

I think the real struggle happened when he regurgitated what he’s been taught and then realized how it might offend a few of his fans. This controversy could have all been avoid if he’d just put his finger to the reporter’s lips and said, “Shh. Let’s talk about my hair.”

Why anyone would ask a 16-year-old for their opinion on anything is beyond me. Kids are all idiots at that age. Rolling Stone, however, thought it’d be a great idea to get Justin Bieber’s opinion on various topics such as politics, rape and sex. Guess how that turned out?

Rolling Stone asks Justin about abstinence before marriage. He’s a little wishy-washy in his response.

“I don’t think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them. I think you should just wait for the person you’re…in love with.”

I guess he really, really wants to or already has nailed Selena Gomez.

Bieber was also asked if ever planned on becoming an American citizen. He said no and described America as evil because of the non-Canadian health care system.

“You guys are evil,” he says with a laugh. “Canada’s the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don’t need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you’re broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard’s baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home.”

Of course he’d love it. With the amount of times he’s going to get his ass-kicked, those bills add up.

Asked what political party he’d support once he’s old enough to vote, he shrugged his shoulders and said not Korea. It’s at this point we realize he’s an idiot.

“I’m not sure about the parties,” Bieber says. “But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”

Wait. North or South Korea or both? Whatever the case, what the hell does that have to do with voting in Canada? That’s like being asked, “Who would you rather have sex with: Scarlett Johansson or Kelly Brook?,” and answering, “Not Sherri Shepherd. She’s ugly.” That’s great but that wasn’t the question.

The topic then moves on to abortion which Justin Bieber says he’s against. When asked about cases of rape he says everything happens for a reason.

“I really don’t believe in abortion,” Bieber says. “It’s like killing a baby?” How about in cases of rape? “Um. Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.”

I don’t know guys. How is a baby made? Can someone tell Justin. He seems unsure.

Alexander Skarsgard tells Rolling Stone that he’s not a big believer in the cock sock other actors wear when filming nude scenes. He prefers thwacking people in the head with his dong. Skarsgard says, “I don’t want a sock around it, that feels ridiculous. If we’re naked in the scene, then I’m naked. I’ve always been that way.”

Anna Paquin, on the other hand, wears a patch, “a thong-like attire with the sides cut off – while filming nude scenes as her character Sookie Stackhouse.”

Stephen Moyer also wears a sock. He says it’s out of consideration for others. “I’ve got nothing to hide,” he says. “I just think it might be embarrassing for the crew.”

That’s the exact explanation I give to people when I wear pants at an orgy. That and I don’t want girls pointing and laughing at me again.

True Blood does torture porn right. Alexander Skarsgard, Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are all on the cover of Rolling Stone naked and covered in blood.

In the issue, show creator Alan Ball offers up reasons why vampire sex is so great. Ball says it’s because no orifice is spared. Uh huh. Basically it’s this mathematical proof. If Sex = Win and Vampires = Win, then Vampires  + Sex = Double Win.

The idea of celibate vampires is ridiculous, True Blood creator Alan Ball says. “To me, vampires are sex,” he says. “I don’t get a vampire story about abstinence. I’m 53. I don’t care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed.” On his show, every available orifice is used for intercourse: gay, straight, between humans and supernatural beings, and supernatural being on supernatural being, whether he be werewolf, dog or an enormous Minotaur-looking being called a maenad. None of the sex is quite as good as vampire sex, though, which can happen at the astonishing rhythm of 120 bpm while simultaneously devouring one’s neck and making your eyes roll back into your head.

Stephen Moyer, who plays Bill Compton, then continues that they’ll even make new orifices to f-ck.

“If we go from a base level, vampires create a hole in the neck where there wasn’t one before. It’s a de-virginization — breaking the hymen, creating blood and then drinking the virginal blood. And there’s something sharp, the fang, which is probing and penetrating and moving into it. So that’s pretty sexy. I think that makes vampires attractive.” He laughs a little. “Plus, Robert Pattinson is just hot, right?”

Well when you put it that way I guess having someone neck f-ck me with their fangs is pretty sexy. I don’t know why I didn’t realize this before. Maybe I was distracted by all the pain, blood and pissing of my pants.

Katy Perry is looking hot on the cover of Rolling Stone. She’s finally stopped wearing those damn spanx or whatever it was that rode halfway up her chest. Now she’s in oh so glorious bra and panties. Plus, there’s finally more than just one photo from the shoot which merits it’s own post which is slightly unnecessary because you probably heard all the quotes from the article by now. Mainly:

- “Speaking in tongues is as normal to me as ‘Pass the salt.’ It’s a secret, direct prayer language to God. A lot of religions use meditation or chanting. It’s a secret, direct prayer language to God. My dad speaks in tongues and my mom interprets it. That’s their gift.”

- “Sometimes we ate from the same food bank we used to feed our congregation and I was very embarrassed by that.”

- “I wasn’t ever able to say I was ‘lucky’ because my mother would rather us say that we were blessed, and she also didn’t like that lucky sounded like Lucifer. Deviled eggs were called ‘angeled’ eggs. I wasn’t allowed to eat Lucky Charms, but I think that was the sugar. I think my mom lied to me about that one.”

She’s so unique! Listen here, missy. Just sit there and look into the camera. We didn’t pay you to come here and talk about how you were raised a freak. Bisexuality and how you lost your virginity, sure, but speak in tongues on your own time. We won’t stand for that. This here is America and we speak American and we speak it good.

Quick update: She just released her new video. I’m pretty sure the first part of the song is about penis and sex. Check it after the jump.

Lady Gaga is on the cover of Rolling Stone in just panties and a machine gun bra. She’s so provocative! What will she think of next? How about an outfit made of dried dog poop. Or a dress made of raw meat. That way we can push her into the lion exhibit.

John Mayer is a douchebag. He could be pulling Haitians from the rubble or saving babies from burning buildings, but you know he’s eventually going to do or say something that brings his karma level back down to “douche”. Anyway, his interview with Rolling Stone is out.

John Mayer on relationships: “All I want to do now is fuck the girls I’ve already fucked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, ‘But you’re John Mayer!’ So I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else. Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn’t it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren’t we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there,too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?”

John Mayer on Jennifer Aniston: “I’m the asshole. I burned the American flag. I basically murdered an ideal. I’ve never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life. I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is fucking fantastic, if I said to her, ‘I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.’”

John Mayer on masturbation: “I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week. I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It¹s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”

John Mayer on being gay: “I don’t care about anything other than energy. That’s why people think, ‘Is he bi? Is he that?’ I’ve never slept with a man. But I get it. I’ve seen pictures of men on the Internet that are sexier than pictures of most women.”

John Mayer is the new Courtney Love. Whatever he says never gets filtered in his brain before it leaves his mouth. Talking to him is like talking to a perverted six-year-old. And did he say he inserts a tampon into his ass? Between you and me, I don’t think that can soak up all the douche.

Also, comparing dumping Aniston to burning the American flag is a little extreme. It’s more like running away from a ticking time bomb before it ends your life with an explosion of ugly Aniston babies.

People kept on telling me Adam Lambert is gay, but I didn’t see it. I thought he just had really dark eyelashes and an eclectic fashion sense. It seems I was mistaken. Adam is gay and he even comes out in the upcoming issue of Rolling Stone.

Lambert says, “I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay.” Well, it is to me, Adam! It is to me!

Wondering why he waited all this time? Because he thought coming out in Rolling Stone would be “cool”.

“Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, ‘I’m going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler,’ ” he tells us. “I didn’t want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context.

Oh my, what a shocking revelation. I had to sit down and fan myself with a magazine after reading this. Next you’ll be telling me fire is hot, ice is cold and Brooke Hogan has a scrotum.

Damn these laws. Why can’t we at least once have a fully nude supermodel chained to a tree and not be called perverts or charged with kidnapping?

This is Australian model Miranda Kerr tying herself to a tree on the cover of Rolling Stone to raise awareness of the environment, “specifically koalas.” “I feel strongly about the need to protect our natural environment because it supports our life – it really is that simple,” Kerr says.

Girls always pick the cutsey stuff. You never see a hot chick chain themselves to a dark, dank cave to save the bats. If you brought an endangered one over to them for a shoot, they’d probably take off their heels and start stabbing it.

Blake Lively and Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl fame did a photo shoot for Rolling Stone. It was possibly the greatest shoot ever considering they posed for shots like this where they’re sharing an ice cream cone which will inevitably turn into a penis when any guy sees it and this of Meester sucking Lively’s thumb.

I, for one, am glad Terry Richardson, the Renaissance man who shot this, is as big of a perv as me and not like those other photographers who would shoot them in fancy New York clothes with a jacket slung over their shoulder.