Following news that Lindsay Lohan has finally been confirmed to play Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime’s original movie, Rosie O’Donnell, who was on the Today show with Matt Lauer and Donny Deutsch, raged with enough spittle flying out of her mouth to fill a kiddie pool.

Rosie said Lindsay has no business playing Liz and isn’t capable of the role because her life is still a disaster.  ”I feel very sorry for her… I think she needs a lot of time away… She’s had a lot of trouble doing every single movie, including SNL. She was out and not in rehearsal. I think she’s not in a place to work.”

Deutsch put on his troll hat suggesting, “She’s our generation’s Elizabeth Taylor,” which made Rosie go crazy. “You’re out of your mind! You’re a crackhead! The last thing she did good, she was sixteen. I don’t think she’s right for the role and I don’t think she’s capable at this point to portray that character.”

Naturally, Michael Lohan responded telling TMZ, “Who the hell is Rosie O’Donnell to judge anyone, especially Lindsay, who has far more talent than Rosie ever had?” Michael goes on to mention Rosie’s two failed talkshows and failed marriage. “He/she who is without sin. May they cast the first stone,” Michael said no doubt ironically.

Know how Rosie O’Donnell knows Tom Cruise isn’t gay? Because he drives race cars. Think about it. Gay people HATE race cars. Appearing on Piers Morgan Tonight on Sunday, Rosie explained:

A lot of people have said to me oh you know so and so…are they gay? I personally don’t know a star who I have come to know and become intimately friendly in my life with who is living a false reality. I don’t, I really don’t. People say to me all the time “Tom Cruise is gay.” I’ve been around Tom Cruise a lot. Tom Cruise drives race cars. I do not think Tom Cruise is gay. BuzzFeed

And that’s about the point John Travolta put in his order for 4 race cars. “The fastest ones you got! With v16 engines and really loud and leave off the tassels and little bell this time.”

Rosie O’Donnell was personally invited to Sean “Diddy” Combs’ New Year’s Eve party on Miami’s Star Island but when she showed up casually dressed with six people behind her — for a total of 12 chins! — Diddy’s security turned them away.

Rosie and friends had to take a walk of shame while Rihanna, Vivica Fox, Nelly, Matt Kemp, Robin Thicke and Paula Patton partied inside. Much like Monday through Friday, she went home to eat her sadness away.

Diddy’s rep confirmed the incident but said he was “completely unaware” but now the he thought about it, it all made sense considering they still had leftovers.

Rosie O’Donnell and I don’t often see eye-to-eye on healthy living. We’re polar opposites when it comes to how one lives a life without coronary diseases or adult onset diabetes. For example, I enjoy a nice quiet candlelit dinner when I’m out on a date. Rosie enjoys six buckets of KFC topped off with items 1-10 on the drive-thru menu. I stay in shape by going to the gym or playing sports. Rosie stays in shape by chasing the chipmunk who stole her toffee coated peanuts. Today, however, Rosie sets out on the fast track to a healthier lifestyle with the announcement that she’s quitting alcohol. Beer to be precise. Her reason?

cause i was drinking too much
cause i didnt want to anymore
cause it is hard to lose weight wen drinking
cause i can never have only one

I can never have only one either. But, that’s not because I’m an alcoholic, it’s because I’m always striving to be better. Last time I had six beers in under an hour. Next time I’ll go for eight. With that kind of attitude, how can I lose?

MSNBC has come to their senses and decided not to put Rosie on the air. Executives came to the decision when they realized they weren’t the Food Network.

Rose has more in her blog. Don’t expect any substantial explanations though. Just a bunch of haiku. Does she write this in between bites of food? That might explain why each line is only a couple of words. Chew, chew, chew, scribble, chew, chew, chew.

I would love to see Martha Stewart v. Rosie O’Donnell. Former talk show queens do battle. Who can be more annoying? More smug? Martha would probably make a rolling pin out of leftover chicken scraps and beat Rosie with it. Rosie would then eat it. Advantage: Rosie. – Captain Swarthy

Former talk show host and current butterball, Rosie O’Donnell, revealed her exclusive tete-a-tete with President Bill Clinton. Supposedly, Clinton called her some years back to apologize for Lewinsky-gate. This man must have some swami-like effect on people. Their conversation turned O’Donnell into a bawling mess and more importantly, locked down the lesbian vote for years to come.

“And I said, ‘You know, listen, here’s the deal, dude. I’ve been disappointed by men my whole life. I loved JFK, my mother loved JFK, and you were the JFK to me. And you let me down, man. You killed me and that hurt me a lot, and when you hurt me, I don’t know, I didn’t expect that out of you and I thought you could do better for your wife, for the country and just in general.”

What’s amazing is that a former President, with all his responsibilities and duties, would initiate contact with Ms. Pillow Butt. Even lesbians look at each other and say “do we HAVE to keep her?” Does the gay vote hold that much power? Who’s next on Clinton’s list? Ellen Degeneres? At least, Ellen has a hot girlfriend. Ohhh.. I get it now. I’m onto you Mr. Clinton! A little girl on girl for you eh? Gonnna tap that booty and make it sleep! Uh huh! – Captain Swarthy

When Bill made Rosie Weep [Page Six]

Rosie O’Donnell went on another spiel Wednesday night as usual. She pretty much admitted Barbara Walters fired her and that Barbara Walters uses Astroglide. Wait, what?

Rosie claimed onstage that Walters and other “View” couchmates wear earpieces through which producers tell them what to say, which she refused to do.

Rosie also confided that she and the veteran newswoman were actually so close early on in her tenure as moderator that Walters recommended Rosie use Astroglide, which, she added, took her by surprise.

Imagining Barbara Walters using lube is gross. Rosie O’Donnell saying it makes it even more gross. But, I’m not surprised. Barbara’s vagina must be drier than the Sahara. If you want to know what having sex with Barbara Walters is like, all you have to do is rub your penis between two pieces of sandpaper. If you want to know what a threesome with Barbara and Rosie is like, keep the sandpaper, but also dump 4 buckets of KFC original recipe onto the floor and roll around in it. Don’t forget to vomit either because that’s what you’ll be doing well after it’s over.

Rosie O’Donnell found time to transition from writing nonsense on her blog to writing nonsense in a book. Her new memoir, Celebrity Detox, set for release in October, talks about her life or something. Most notably, she writes of her tumultuous stint on The View and suggests Barbara Walters retire.

“Barbara Walters is almost twice my age. At some point it becomes necessary to step back. Everyone has to go. Going is part of the gig.”

“I would be less-than-honest if I were to say that there is no trouble between Barbara and I. I mean, our differences are obvious.”

O’Donnell writes that during commercial breaks on The View, audience members would sometimes shout out, “I love you, Rosie” – “and Barbara politely tells them in a schoolteacher tone, ‘It is impolite to say I love you to one person when there are four of us up here.’ “

Whatever. Rosie telling Barbara Walters to quit is laughable. I’d rather listen to Barbara describe how she performed oral on Thomas Jefferson than listen to the verbal diarrhea that comes out of Rosie’s mouth. No one really loves this angry lesbian. It’s all an act. People feed Rosie’s ego because they don’t want to be eaten. Nobody wants to be just another statistic.

A picture of Rosie O’Donnell’s daughter, Vivienne, dressed as a child soldier has caused quite the controversy among her readers proving they’re just as batty as Rosie. Posted to her blog yesterday, the image is coupled with a video featuring the line “Last Year a Princess” which turns into “This Year a Soldier.” One astute reader wrote,

“Do you think it is right to use your own daughter in such a manner to further your own political agenda? Are you really so hungry for public attention that you’d stoop to such a low level?”

To which Rosie responded, “art provokes.” Bravo you cow. It’s readily apparent all Rosie is is an attention starved manatee and that most of her readers have too much time on their hands. If Rosie really wanted to make a statement, she’d chop her arms off and then run into the ocean. I don’t know what that statement would be for exactly, but we can figure something out.

Stemming from the recent blow-up between Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Rosie quit The View three weeks earlier than anticipated. The president of ABC daytime issued this statement:

“We had hoped that Rosie would be with us until the end of her contract three weeks from now, but Rosie has informed us that she would like an early leave. Therefore, we part ways, thank her for her tremendous contribution to ‘The View’ and wish her well.”

While Barbara Walters said,

“I brought Rosie to the show. Rosie contributed to one of our most exciting and successful years at “The View.” I am most appreciative. Our close and affectionate relationship will not change.”

Upon her exit, her ass got stuck in the doorway. Three maintenance men and a candy apple on a rope later, she was free and waddling her way into the sunset like David Carradine to the next batch of free donuts.

Janette Barber, Rosie O’Donnell’s chief writer, was escorted out of the ABC building after she was caught drawing mustaches on pictures of Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

The Post’s Adam Buckman reports ABC confirmed in a statement only that “photographs at ‘The View’s’ offices were defaced. Rosie O’Donnell was not in the building. ABC Legal and Human Resources are investigating the matter.” Barber is an old friend of O’Donnell who worked with her years ago on “The Rosie O’Donnell Show.”

Janette Barber would make a great super-villain. While Janette’s peers are out there searching for a superhero’s one weakness, she’ll leave a flaming bag of poop on the doorstep of her arch-nemesis, ring the door bell and run. Then when Batman or somebody comes to stomp it out, their shoes will smell like poop. Next time he saves a hot chick, she’ll think he has really bad b.o. and won’t even give him a hand job. Evil.

The video above is of Alicia Silverstone snubbing Elisabeth Hasselbeck during that fateful day on The View.

Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck clashed once again on The View. The debate was over Rosie’s position on the troops in Iraq where she insinuated they were terrorists. They began going at it like hungry badgers after Rosie called Elisabeth cowardly.

As the two squared off, the other cohosts – Joy Behar and guest Sherri Shepherd – were trapped uncomfortably in the middle, and Behar repeatedly attempted to change the subject or distract the sparring women. “Who is directing the show?” she asked. “Let’s go to commercial.”

Later on, Rosie made a blog post alluding to the fact that she may have been fired.

like it or not
tomorrow kelli turns 40
i will not be at work

This is about as thrilling as sticking a fork into my pee-hole. Given the chance, I’d rather kiss an airplane propeller than watch The View. At least then, death would come quick.

After Rosie O’Donnell announced her departure from The View, Roseanne Bar is rumored to be the top choice to replace her.

Among them are Joan Rivers, Whoopi Goldberg, Kathie Lee Gifford and Connie Chung. Out of all of them, Roseanne seems to be the best fit.

“It’s going to be hard for them to follow Rosie,” says an industry insider. “Roseanne could be the only one capable of pulling it off.”

They’re replacing a bear with a hungrier bear. This time no one is safe. Not the muffins, not the cinnamon rolls and especially not the donuts. Uh oh, you guys sure picked a bad time to glaze yourselves. Beware the bear!