Denzel Washington was getting uppity while filming Safe House in South Africa so Ryan Reynolds punched him in the face and gave him a black eye. Just kidding. Denzel said the black eye Ryan gave him was clearly accidental.

“I’ve never had a black eye in my life!” Washington, 57, told reporters Saturday while promoting the film, which hits theaters Feb. 10. “There’s a scene where I reach over to try to choke him while I have handcuffs on. We were flying around in the car. It just happened that as I was reaching forward he was flying back … and POW.”

Reynolds joked that this punch was a highlight of his career. “That was my early retirement,” he said. “I’ve given Denzel Washington a black eye and I should probably go home.” But Reynolds admitted that he was a little embarrassed after the incident, saying, “It was weird to feel my face on fire.”

Regardless, said Reynolds, “I’m glad I was your first. If it had to be anyone, it was an apologetic Canadian.” PEOPLE

Oh, I’ve heard it all before. Ran into a door. He’s only like this when he drinks. He really loves me, I swear. I was trying to choke him in handcuffs and he accidentally punched me. Someone take Denzel to a woman’s shelter.

Scarlett Johansson divorced Ryan Reynolds a year ago and, soon after, started making the covers of all the weeklies by dating that jackass Sean Penn but now she’s mad Ryan moved on and moved in with his now girlfriend Blake Lively. This makes complete sense.

“Scarlett is pissed that he’s not under her spell anymore,” the source tells Us. “She realized what a great catch Ryan was.”

“Ryan would have gotten back with her. He was so totally in love,” says the insider,” but then she flaunted Sean right after their split, and he was done.” Us Magazine

Well, that’s disappointing. If I were Ryan Reynolds, my first thought would be, “So… no chance of a threesome then?”

Here’s Blake Lively on the set of Gossip Girl presumably with a hickey she got from Ryan Reynolds. Or a shadow.

My imaginary girlfriend Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are allegedly shopping for apartments together. The two were spotted checking out a three-bedroom, $4,35 million penthouse in Madison Square Park the other day. Being rich must be nice.

“When they were done, she left the building first, wearing tall boots, jeans, coat and fedora, and got straight into a Town Car, and then Ryan exited into the same car. Her little dog was waiting with the driver in the front seat.” Things seem to be happening fast for Lively, who lives in Chelsea, and Reynolds, who have been officially dating for about a month. Page Six

Wherever they decide to live, they should let me know first. That way I can make sure the place is safe and follows all the rules and regulations. I also need time to figure out where to put the hidden cameras. Wait, pretend I didn’t say that last part. Can I have that stricken from the record?

Blake Lively was seen leaving Ryan Reynolds’ apartment in Boston early Saturday morning with their dogs. So if you wanted to know if Ryan Reynolds was banging Blake Lively, I think you have your answer. And if you’re still unsure, a source says they’re seeing each other casually.

Their budding romance has been milling since Lively, 24, parted ways with her beau of five months Leonardo DiCaprio earlier this month. (Reynolds officially divorced Scarlett Johansson in July.) The Gossip Girl actress has been spotted visiting Reynolds for three weekends in a row now in Boston, where the 33-year-old is currently shooting action flick R.I.P.D.

In addition to a sushi date, the pair was also spotted at Beantown’s South Station, where Reynolds was seen giving Lively an affectionate goodbye.Us Weekly

Ryan Reynolds seems like a good rebound after Leonardo DiCaprio. It’s way better than mine which was basically a mop with lipstick on it. That may sound pathetic, but may I inform you that moppy never talked back. Jealous?

According to an insider, Blake Lively broke up with Leonardo DiCaprio because things were moving too fast. Leo was ready to start a family while Blake, 24, wasn’t ready to settle down.

Sure it could be that or it could be Blake Lively wanted to bang Ryan Reynolds. A different source says Blake isn’t fazed by the breakup at all. They say she hooked up with Ryan Reynolds at his apartment in Boston and making out when he took her to her 5am train.

“When Ryan took Blake to catch her train back to NYC they were making out and looked really happy together. Blake was wearing a big hat and it fell off as she made out with Ryan on the escalator at the train station. It was really early and he was even wheeling her suitcase for her! He wanted to make sure she caught the train so he waited until she got on.”

Ryan and Blake reportedly ran into each other at the Radiohead concert in NYC. When they both realized that they needed to be in Boston for the weekend they decided to take the ritzy Acela train together. Ryan is in Boston shooting his upcoming flick R.I.P.D. and Blake needed to be at a cooking event at upscale sushi eatery O Ya. Ironically Ryan’s ex-wife Scarlett Johansson was reportedly with Ryan at the concert when he ran into Blake.

“They kept kissing on the platform and looked like they were a couple,” our source says. “It’s clear she’s over Leo, but as for how serious she is with Ryan? Who knows.” Hollywood Life

If Blake doesn’t want to settle down, it’s a good idea to ditch Leo and go with Ryan Reynolds. He just got out of a marriage with Scarlett Johansson so he’s not looking to add another failed marriage to his resume. It’s not like she’s trading down either. Ryan Reynolds is on track to be a big star too and he’s way more muscular than Leo. And that’s what I’m told women look for in a man. *Flexes bicep* Grrr.

Scarlett Johansson promised Ryan Reynolds he could put a baby in her if they got back together but Ryan didn’t take the bait and is instead taking Sandra Bullock into the woods with her adopted baby and boning her. At least that’s what I infer from these pictures posted on TMZ of them hiking together in Wyoming. What else would they be doing? No one hikes for fun. Anyone who says otherwise is a filthy liar.

A source tells TMZ the two are vacationing in Jackson Hole with a few friends. I’m guessing their names are Pinot and Noir.

Scarlett Johansson wants Ryan Reynolds back and has been calling incessantly trying to see or meet up with him or just to ask how he is. She’s even promising him babies in the hopes he’ll take her back.

Yea, that ALWAYS works. Listen, you can’t just solve a problem by throwing babies at it. Believe me, I’ve tried. The mess is a bear and they always leave a stain.

Even though a friend close to Ryan and Scarlett says that “he still loves her,” he’s keeping her at arm’s length because “he does not want to get played again. … He feels she just quit on him.”

Once of the biggest strains on their relationship was that Scarlett didn’t want to have a baby, but now she’s suddenly changing her tune.

“She’s doing everything possible to get him to take her back,” another source tells Star magazine. “Even saying she’s ready to have a baby.” [Hollywood Life]

“Eight months of a fat Scarlett Johansson? Thanks but no thanks,” Ryan Reynolds probably said.

Ryan Reynolds was spotted at dinner with his ex, Scarlett Johansson, last Friday in LA but they’re probably not getting back together because sources tell Us that he and Charlize Theron have been “dating” for months. They’re exclusive and on the down low.

A witness noticed Ryan’s motorcycle at Charlize’s house the entire morning of June 5 then saw him leave at around 3 p.m. and her leave minutes later.

“They’re both career-focused,” explains the source, “but not in a crazy way.”

For instance, don’t expect to see the stars side-by-side on a red carpet. “She won’t go to an event with him,” the insider says of Theron, who split with love of nine years Stuart Townsend in 2010. “That’s not her style.”

If you’re keeping score, it’s Ryan Reynolds – 1, Scarlett Johansson – 0. Bouncing from Ryan to Sean Penn is like downgrading from a Lambo to a VW. Going from Scarlett to Charlize Theron is more of a lateral transition.

Ryan Reynolds was on Conan Thursday to promote Green Lantern (which is obviously poised to be number one at the box office come Monday). He told Conando that he wasn’t always so ridiculously good looking. At least not to women. Ugh. Another one of those I didn’t used to always be good looking stories.

“Up until I was like 18, I looked like a Vietnamese girl,” said Ryan. Unfamiliar with that stereotype, I looked up “Vietnamese girl” on Google image search and, except for a couple of pictures, he sounded pretty hot. I bet all the guys wanted to do him. Especially his principal who he described as looking “like an online predator who lost his computer.”

Ryan also admitted to accidentally falling on a girl he liked during volleyball practice just to get close to her. “And just a few years later, that’s illegal. That’s straight up inappropriate.” Wait, what? *Gets up off girl on the ground, pulls up gym shorts, runs away*

He also admitted to being suspended and ultimately expelled. He smirked, “As though sitting at home all day masturbating to Spanish soap operas is supposed to teach me a lesson.” Wow, Ryan Reynolds. He’s just like us! Or like me yesterday afternoon at least.

Footage of The Green Lantern starring Ryan Reynolds was shown during WonderCon and it was enough to make into a four minute trailer. This looks fairly awesome. But Ryan can’t work the green body suit like I can. Kind of sad actually.

Sandra Bullock did an interview with Today’s Al Rocker and cleared up a rumor about her dating Ryan Reynolds. She says it’s not true.

“I think there will be a collective sigh amongst women across the united States when I say he’s not my lovah,” Bullock, 46, says on the red carpet before Sunday night’s Golden Globes. “He’s just an amazing friend for 10 years … but I don’t get his loving after dark.”

Whew. I was just about to hang up this Sandra Bullock piñata and whack it with a bat because I was so angry.

According to the National Enquirer, a friend of Scarlett Johansson said she felt betrayed that Ryan Reynolds was already dating Sandra Bullock so soon after their divorce. She screamed, “You’re a man-hungry tramp!” Sources say Scarlett still has feelings for Ryan and “feels Sandra isn’t respecting that at all.”

“Sandra may be known as ‘America’s Sweetheart,’ but she’s NO sweetheart to Scarlett,” declared the friend. Mm hm, girlfriend. *Snaps fingers in air*

Note that this is from the National Enquirer who’s been sometimes right lately but everything sounds made up most of the time. If this had more confirmation, it would be on Radar. Maybe it was just a homeless girl that looked like Scarlett shouting at a magazine that had Sandra on the cover. Homeless Johansson, I believe she’s called.

Ryan Reynolds has filed for divorce from Scarlett Johansson meaning my dream of marrying her has taken one step closer to reality. The documents were filed on Thursday in Los Angeles Superior Court. Johansson filed her response simultaneously. Neither filed for spousal support.

The two rumors for their marriage’s demise include Ryan cheating on Scarlett and Scarlett not putting the effort into their marriage. Another not as widely spread rumor is that Scarlett was so intoxicated by my bulging biceps and well-defined abs that she dumped Ryan to run away with me.