Somehow Sacha Baron Cohen made his way onto the Oscar red carpet on Sunday, despite being dis-invited unless he promised not to promote his movie, and did what everyone assumed he would do which was shamelessly promote The Dictator by coming in character.

His interview with Ryan Seacrest started out innocently enough. Until he started joking about sprinkling Kim Jong Il’s ashes on the red carpet and over Halle Berry’s chest. When Seacrest bent down, Cohen tipped the urn he was carrying and spilled ash all over Ryan’s tux. Security came and took Cohen away but not before he spilled even more ashes on the carpet.

Ryan got flustered so he kept trying to cut to commercial but no one at E! would let him because they were having too much fun laughing at him. With good reason too. It’s always fun to ridicule the dork. I was half-expecting one of the E! staff to push him into the mud while he was wiping ash off his jacket and taunt, “Baby gonna cry? Baby gonna cry?”

You figure Ryan Seacrest would have just rolled with this though considering he’s usually the butt of most jokes. The words “Ryan Seacrest” could really be a punchline to most anything.

Madonna made a career off of being wildly inappropriate. She even released a book called Sex in 1992 which included softcore porn. But now she’s 53 and she can’t do that anymore because it’d be gross so her new thing is all about love and peace and being not controversial.

That all changed, however, during the Super Bowl last Sunday when M.I.A. flipped the bird. Screams of horror were heard everywhere. One of which belonged to Madonna who was none too pleased with M.I.A. diverting attention away from her assisted cartwheels. She called in to On Air with Ryan Seacrest to discuss the incident,

“I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity, it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager … irrelevant thing to do … there was such a feeling of love and unity there. What was the point?”

Madge added, “It was just out of place.” TMZ

I believe the point was that they told M.I.A. to censor “sh*t” so she just gave the finger instead. Madonna should have just come out and said what she was really felling. That why wasn’t anyone talking about her 15 minute self-indulgent performance? She didn’t break or hip or anything!

According to John Stamos, Ryan Seacrest is a big fairy who prances around in pretty dresses and high heels every night. Just read between the lines, man.

Stamos was on Jimmy Kimmel last night to promote an upcoming production of Hairspray which he’s in and he described his role as a straight Ryan Seacrest. “I play Corny Collins, he’s sort of a DJ, he hosts a music show,” Stamos said. “Sort of like a straight Ryan Seacrest! “Ryan’s a friend, we’ve kissed.”

That whore! He said I was the only one he’s kissed!

Here’s Ryan Seacrest confirming he’s still dating Julianne Hough, who doesn’t look that great without makeup, after she was seen frolicking in the pool with her co-star Diego Boneta. Ryan probably got jealous when those pictures came out and in his little pipsqueak voice went, “Wise guy, eh?” Then rolled up his sleeves and booked it to the pool.

I don’t know why I imagine Ryan as one of the Three Stooges. Maybe it’s because no one takes him seriously.

This is really happening. Kim and Kourtney Kardashian went on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show today to debut Kim’s new single Jam, which I think is short for “Jam this sharpened pencil in my ear so I don’t have to listen to this terribleness anymore.”

The single, produced by The-Dream, features Kim’s monotone voice digitally enhanced by computers. There’s even one melody that sounds straight ripped from one of Rihanna’s songs. This should have been aborted. It sounds like she’s just talking into the mic. This might as well have been spoken word and at the end they could have added in sounds of fingers snapping to avoid any awkwardness from people who may feel obligated to clap after she finishes singing this.

It’s also amazing how she manages to stretch the song out for nearly 5 minutes. But that’s bound to happen when you repeat “turn me up, turn me up” 16 times at the end.

Seacrest out!

I’m not sure why any woman would voluntarily admit to this but Julianne Hough confessed to Ellen DeGeneres she’s dating Ryan Seacrest.

“Oh my gosh. He’s phenomenal. He’s really romantic. He’s not even in town and I got in my car and there are flowers everywhere. For my birthday, same thing – like flowers everywhere. I was almost embarrassed. You walk in and you’re like, ‘Is this my room? I don’t even know.’ I’m kind of embarrassed.”

Julianne better get used to the embarrassment because I suspect that feeling overcomes the majority of women when they make out with Ryan. He’s like the fat chick you take home when you’re drunk but don’t want any of your friends to see so you tell her your door is busted and push her out your second story window.

What’s that saying? Even though you win the Special Olympics, you’re still retarded. Well, in unrelated news, Ryan Seacrest and Jennifer Lopez are in an American Idol power struggle. A source says arguments range from who gets which dressing room to who gets top billing.

“Ryan was the one who first suggested Jennifer, but now he’s starting to regret it, because she’s acting like she’s a much bigger star than he is,” the insider says. “Ryan knows the diva behavior is likely to get worse before it gets better. Producers are trying to get them to make peace, but their egos are both pretty big.”

Let me guess. Is the insider Ryan Seacrest? Because that’s the only reason they’d say he was a bigger star than Jennifer Lopez. It’s like when I anonymously complain about how my co-workers are jealous of my big penis and bulging biceps. First of all, I don’t have co-workers. Second of all, I don’t have a big penis. Wait, where was I going with this?

Before you start nodding your head in agreement, let me get to the story first. Ryan Seacrest is currently dating Dancing With the Stars contestant Julianne Hough. Their relationship wasn’t a simple matter of his publicist calling her publicist. It took years of persistence starting from when she was 18 to systematically break her down to get a date with her. It was a challenge as he had many obstacles to overcome. The biggest of which was that Julianne thought Ryan was a big queer.

The “shocking” revelation was made the other day at a Morton’s steakhouse when someone asked Julianne how they met. Julianne said, “He was after me since I was 18 … he totally wasn’t my type … I thought he was gay. After a few years, he was persistent … so I went out with him on a date and I realized how much I liked him.”

Julianne is 22 now and Seacrest is 35. I have to hand it to Seacrest. He sets his sights high and doesn’t give up. That’s more than you can say about Jessica Simpson these days. The only sights she sets is on the triple chocolate meltdown at Applebees.

Ryan Seacrest sat in stunned silence for a brief second when he was cut off for the first time by Robert Pattinson’s publicist after asking about him and co-star Kristen Stewart. Seacrest was a little butthurt. That publicist might want to watch out after offending this media juggernaut.

“Robert Pattison is class act,” Ryan Tweeted after the incident. “However the rep he was with yanked him off the air and off the mic when when I asked about Kristen. Unreal!”

They’re both idiots. That question has been done to death. He got two to ask and one of them was that? He might as well have asked if the sky is blue today. The publicist was kind of a bitch too. By the way she acted, you’d think Seacrest just punched a baby in the face. On second thought, that would have been more entertaining than this. He should do that next time. Seacrest out!

Ryan Seacrest put down the concealer for five seconds to give his thoughts on Ellen DeGeneres becoming the new judge on American Idol. According to FOX Pop Tarts, he can hardly wait to have someone on the show coherent enough to teach him how to braid his hair.

“We love Ellen, she is a superstar. She will change the sexual tension,” Seacrest told us at the Emmy’s on Sunday night. “Simon and Paula had a specific sort of tension, but this will be quite different…”

Quite different in a sense that there is finally a judge on this show that prefers vagina. This way, Simon doesn’t have to deal with Ryan flying into a jealous rage and threatening self-harm every time Ellen looks his way or grazes his arm. I would say the commercial breaks could now be filled with friendly conversation instead of Ryan reapplying his runny mascara, but some things never change.

X17 via FOX News claims Lindsay Lohan and Ryan Seacrest partied into the night at Lindsay’s room at the Chateau Marmont in LA before moving on to his house.

The two were at Lindsay’s place at 8:30 PM before hitting up the clubs. Afterward at around 12, Ryan stashed Lindsay in his backseat and drove back to her place.

“Lindsay was obviously trying to hide from the paparazzi,” a photographer told X17. “Ryan didn’t seem to care. It was almost as if he were proud to be with Lindsay. Ryan was laughing while Lindsay ducked down behind the seat of the car .”

According to X17online.com, the music in Lohan’s room was so loud, the neighbors called the police. Two officers arrived 3:30am, and the pair “moved to Ryan’s house.”

“They were obviously partying inside at Lindsay’s, the music was so loud!” said the photographer. “I don’t think Ryan has any idea what he’s getting into.”

I don’t think Ryan Seacrest can handle Lindsay. He’s a newborn cub compared to her. She’s probably into crazy masochistic stuff. I can imagine Ryan Seacrest’s big smile disappearing when Lindsay starts dripping hot candle wax on his balls. He’ll probably be shrieking in the third person like, “Arrrrgh! Seacrest out! Seacrest out!”

Ryan Seacrest may not be as gay as everyone thought. Page Six says he was seen with a Megan Fox look-alike named Jasmine Waltz in Paris. A source says she’s a “cocktail waitress at Guys nightclub in LA and that’s where they met.”

Doing a Google image search gives a lot of pictures. Is that the same girl? She’s not really Megan Fox’s doppleganger. She looks more like Katharine McPhee than anyone else. Intrigued, I started doing some more digging, but then I asked myself why I cared so much about Ryan Seacrest’s rumored girlfriend. I couldn’t come up with a good answer so I stopped. Seacrest out.

Ryan Seacrest failed miserably at interviewing the kids from Slumdog Millionaire yesterday on the Oscar red carpet. Seacrest had the grace of a falling anvil.

First, he didn’t know how to pronounce their names, so he just held a piece of paper up to the camera that had their names typed on it. Then he tried to have them all shout their names out at once. That didn’t work out so well. Making it even more akward was when Ryan interviewed the one kid who didn’t speak English and then complimented a girl for speaking “good English.” A cougar could have mauled one of those children during the interview and it couldn’t have made it any more of a disaster.