If you hadn’t heard, a bunch of actors and actresses gathered around The Shrine Auditorium in LA on Sunday for a gigantic circle jerk called the Screen Actors Guild Awards. Apparently there aren’t enough awards show where people tell celebrities how awesome they are so they had to make their own. It’s pretty cool actually. Don’t take my word for it though, take it from Dick Van Dyke (up top) who said, “The SAG Awards are better than crack! I would know because I’m on it! He-yeeeeeeah!”

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt hit up the 18th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards in LA on Sunday. Angelina was wearing a black dress which looked more like a piece of cloth hanging off a coat rack than anything. Hey, why don’t you just take that off and make yourself more comfortable.

In related news, Brad and Angelina won’t let their kids Google them and have blocked their names on all their computers. That’s good news. Otherwise, those kids are going to find a lot of sites talking about how hot Angelina Jolie is and how I’d like to sneak into her bedroom every night and watch her sleep.

Tracy Morgan was on Inside the NBA last week where the hosts gave him a mic and he ended up telling everyone on live tv that Sarah Palin is good masturbation material.

Looks like other networks caught on realizing this would be a good way to make their video go viral. Hence, on the red carpet of the SAG Awards last night, E! interviewed Tracy Morgan and put a mic in front of his face. He was behaving depressingly normal and then, like magic, Tracy Morgan starting shouting, “Peace! Peace!,” before calling Sarah Palin “the hottest MILF in the world.”

If he keeps going on like this, Sarah Palin better consider filing a restraining order. Or get engaged to him like Katy Perry did to Russell Brand. Apparently publicly declaring you’re stalking a girl is very endearing.

Side note: Did he say “doner my kidney to me”? Silly man. It’s “donering!”

Speaking of breasts. Here’s Sofia Vergara at the SAG Awards. She’s way funnier, more talented and smarter than Kim Kardashian. Mostly due to her boobs. I base the intelligence of women on their breast size. The bigger they are the better they must be. I’m very sexist. If you don’t know, that means I judge women by how sexy they are.

Note: That guy behind her is taking a picture of the wrong side.

There’s no reason for Kim Kardashian to be at any awards show unless they wanted a famous seat filler. Hold any sort of prestigious award in front of Kim’s face and she’d hiss at it and slink back in fear. Being recognized for excellence is Kardashian kryptonite. She did dress alright though. *Cups hands in front of chest*

And here’s Natalie Portman’s counterpart Mila Kunis, the Black Swan. She didn’t win anything at the SAG Awards yesterday but at least she wasn’t pregnant. So, in essence, she was the real big winner that night.

Natalie Portman picked up a Best Actress Award at the SAGs yesterday for her performance in Black Swan. Portman thanked her castmates and Darren Aronofsky and told everyone to not be assholes.

“I’ve been working since I was 11 years old, and SAG has taken care of me. They made sure that I wasn’t working too long and made sure that I got my education while I was working. I’m so grateful to have this union protecting me every day.”

Portman also thanked her parents. “My parents who taught me to work my hardest and never be an asshole. It’s never acceptable.”

I had to read that in between sobs because of how pregnant she looked. Ugh. This is really happening. I hoped it was just a big joke. Now she’s going to be waddling around like a duck for 7 months. Benjamin Millepied should have taken Natalie’s advice and not been such an asshole.

Some believe the “loose and flowy vintage Hermès dress” Angelina Jolie wore to the SAG Awards indicates that she’s pregnant with twins. I, on the other hand, think that’s just their subtle way of calling Angelina Jolie fat. You guys are so mean. Aww, don’t cry Angelina. Come, let me comfort you. First, let me take off my pants. It’s hot in here.