No one tell Salma Hayek the Golden Globes isn’t actually an awards show for best tits in Hollywood because I really want to see how much more cleavage she shows off next year.

Salma Hayek’s husband, Francois-Henri Pinault, owner of Yves Saint Laurent, Gucci and other brands, got Linda Evangelista and Salma Hayek pregnant at almost the same time in 2006. Linda was pregnant in early 2006 when Francois was on a break from Salma while Salma was pregnant later in 2006. They now both have 4-year-olds by Pinault.

Thing is, he got both women pregnant that same year, resulting in the two sex sirens now having 4-year-olds by the French luxury brand owner—except that Evangelista had kept her baby daddy’s name secret this whole time.

Until, that is, she was spotted in a New York court arguing over a child support agreement she made with Pinault. According to public records at the court, there are ongoing proceedings between her and Pinault.

Evangelista played the January Jones game, keeping her baby daddy’s name mum, then even lying to protect Pinault when she claimed in interviews the father was a “New York architect.” New York architect, French luxury brand owner, potato, potahto.

There had been previous murmurs of Pinault being the father of her son, Augustin James Evangelista. Page Six fingered the businessman in 2007, though Evangelista’s rep denied it. But the leggy beauty’s longstanding cover was blown yesterday when she appeared in Manhattan Family Court to hash out a custody agreement with Pinault.

The 46-year-old supermodel has been to the court at least three times now, with no agreement being reached on their custody plans, which means a support trial is likely. Pinault was not present yesterday at the hearing, but the Manhattan magistrate’s court action confirms to the New York Post that he is in fact the father. [E!]

All those rumors of Pinault being the father, Salma Hayek had to have guessed so it’s probably no big surprise to her. This story is pretty boring actually. Yawn. I’m going to go make a sandwich.

Salma Hayek showed up in red leather Gucci for the Puss in Boots photocall at Cannes. It went swimmingly. Mostly because a 7 foot tall giant pointed his camera downwards at Salma’s chest.

Salma Hayek hit up Madeo’s on Tuesday. She celebrated the occasion by squeezing her huge breasts into a leather top. In Salma’s defense, her breasts would have done the same thing in a trash bag. Not one of those small ones either but the 10 gallon Hefty ones.

Here’s Salma Hayek at the “Grown-Ups” premiere. In a white… uh, yea. I know nothing about what the hell dress she’s wearing. I only know it’s pretty kick-ass because it could barely hold her large breasts. If that dress had a button, it would have popped off by now and blasted through the wall like a .50 caliber bullet. Her dress must be made from a mixture of titanium and hardened steel. If I had to guess, I’d say it was designed by NASA.

Salma Hayek freaked the hell out when a snake made a cameo during an interview with her and her co-stars in Grown Ups. Salma jumped up on her chair and started screeching for someone to do something. As a show of solidarity, Maria Bello did the same thing. To note, one brave soul did do something. He manned the camera and kept recording. Us describes the incident:

The actress, 43, jumped out of her seat and climbed on her Grown Ups co-stars when she spotted the serpent on set while doing an interview with Extra to promote her newest flick (in theaters June 25).

“Somebody do something!” she shrieks. “Nooo!”

Assures Maria Bello, 43, “It’s OK. It’s going away.”

A frightened Hayek was then carried away by a member of the production team before she left the set altogether. “Thank you so much,” she said, her voice trembling. (Ironically, Hayek seductively danced with a python — while dressed in a skimpy bikini — in 1996′s From Dusk Till Dawn.)

“It was like a python. It was thick,” Bello said after the surprise encounter. “Its head was like this like a cobra!”

When pressed, Maria Bellow continued to deny that she was describing my penis and insisted she was in fact describing the snake. Aww, don’t be shy, baby.

Double entendre! Here’s Salma Hayek at the closing ceremony of the 63rd annual Cannes Film Festival where I’m pretty sure organizers made her walk up a set of stairs alone so everyone can look at her ass. Way to be obvious, Cannes. You guys might as well have told her to jump up and down. As a goof, you see!

To celebrate the 10th anniversary of Dora the Explorer, Salma Hayek read one of the books to a bunch of kids in Burbank yesterday.

I’m not exactly sure what Salma is trying to hear, but my guess is it’s the sound of everyone trying to hide their painful erections.

Salma Hayek has enormous breasts and she’s very pretty so it makes sense that she’d try to fit her amazing rack into the tightest dress possible at the Ein Herz Fuer Kinder charity gala. You can see why this makes sense when you realize the charity is for kids. Kids get bored easily. That is unless someone tosses two ginormous boobs in their faces. That Salma Hayek. What a hero.

Are you a celebrity? Are you trying to get seated at the Chateau Marmont or a similarly trendy restaurant without reservations on a busy night? Do you know more than one language? Then you’re in luck. With Salma Hayek’s patented system, you may not get seated right away, but you will definitely move to the top of the reservation list.

Just follow these three easy steps. 1) Freak out when the hostess says she can’t seat you because no tables are available. 2) Make a scene by yelling in another language. 3) Ignore the hostess trying to calm you down until she acquiesces and promises you the first table available. Success! Radar reports:

The beautiful actress was with a couple of girlfriends and when she realized the patio was full and the hostess wouldn’t seat her – Salma freaked out! She created a scene, yelling Spanish.

Radar says no translator was on hand, but

…we’re pretty sure she wasn’t yelling how happy she was and how much she loved the restaurant. The hostess tried to calm her down and said she could have the first available table. Even her girlfriends tried to calm her down. But Salma was steaming and then switched to complaining in English and didn’t stop until a party left and she was seated.

Please note. Salma’s System will not work with non-celebrities because they are not to be respected in civilized society. Any attempt to duplicate these results without first being in the pages of PEOPLE or Us will result in the manager telling you to calm down before he calls the cops and then tasering you anyway. Salma will not be held liable for any injuries incurred when police come by to beat you with a baton.

If for whatever reason you needed a reason to marry Salma Hayek, look no further than these pictures of her on her honeymoon in the early months of May. She’s 42 and just had a baby. Yet, her body is still so amazing that it makes Tara Reid cry.

Woops. Corrected. This one is of her and her husband on their honeymoon.

Just like Spencer and Heidi, Salma Hayek also held a second wedding on Saturday to her French billionaire Francois-Henri Pineault. The ceremony took place at Venice’s Teatro La Fenice opera house. 150 guests showed up (50 less than at Heidi and Spencer’s), but as you well know, it’s quality not quantity.

In stark contrast to Heid and Spencer’s almost D-listers, Hayek’s wedding included stars such as Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem, Ed Norton, Woody Harrelson, Charlize Theron, Stella McCartney and Ashley Judd who serenaded the bride and groom with a Hawaiian version of Over the Rainbow.

While guests danced to a 14-member band inside the opera house, Theron and companion Stuart Townsend, along with designer McCartney, took a break outside. At one point, the two women sang “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” from Evita, before Hayek – who had exchanged her Balenciaga wedding gown for a knee-length fuschia dress– joined them for the Rolling Stones’ “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.”

Asked for comment, Salma Hayek’s breasts said they were very happy with the way things turned out. They especially loved the dress which allowed for both breathability and heavability. Oh and Salma Hayek said the wedding was pretty cool too or whatever.

A, I assume, masked stranger from 4chan hacked Salma Hayek’s MobileMe shayek@mac.com account and posted screenshots of all her emails. Well, some of her emails. Turns out, America Ferrara is throwing a 25th birthday party, Salma buys iPhone apps, AMEX has given her a new gold card, she’s thinking about booking a spa appointment and she’s incredibly boring. Where are all the swinger party e-vites I sent her?!

The “hackers” are said to have guessed her birthday (Sep 2) and most famous movie role (Frida) in order to reset her password. Now her phone number is out in the wild. Damn. I guess I won’t be the only one leaving voicemails of myself breathing heavily for two minutes then hanging up. How am I supposed to seduce her now?