According to reports, girl who was famous because she was banging Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson, was popped for DUI Monday morning outside Baker, California, home of the world’s largest thermometer and delicious gyro pit stop. Ronson was on her way back from Vegas at 10:30 AM in her Porsche when she was pulled over for speeding.

She failed a field sobriety test and refused a “roadside blow.” Hey officer, don’t you know she isn’t into dudes? Oh, TMZ says a “roadside blow” is a less-scientific breathalyzer which isn’t mandatory. Um hm. Sure, it’s not mandatory, but if you put your mouth on it, it couldn’t hurt. C’mon baby, it don’t bite.

Anyway, once at the Baker substation, Ronson blew over the legal limit. She no doubt had to sober up there. Which sucks because have you ever been to Baker? The only thing there are the two things I already mentioned. A giant thermometer and a place that sells Greek food. I’d rather live inside Paris Hilton’s womb than go there.

If you’re wondering what Lindsay Lohan has been up to since her release from rehab, the answer is not much. She’s been shopping and living the celebrity lifestyle she’s been accustomed to. Must be nice.

On Monday though, sources said Lindsay has sworn off clubbing and that she’s “completely over the club scene.” Lindsay believes cutting out clubs completely will help her remain sober. Lindsay will also be cutting off her friends who only used her to party. It’s always the innocent who suffer.

In related news, Lindsay and Samantha Ronson might be friends again because they showed up at a horror-themed birthday party last Thursday. People there wore blood and special glasses that flashed lights to the beat of music creating a “tripped out effect.” I have no idea that that means but it sounds like a real step down from cocaine.

Samantha Ronson was visibly upset when she found out Lindsay Lohan was moving out of rehab and right next door to her. Asked for comment, Ronson just said, “Dude, I”m way too pissed off right now.”

A source claims Lindsay had no idea that the house she rents was next door to Sam’s and that she’s been eyeing the area even before Sam moved in.

Naturally, to prove she’s not a crazy stalker, Lindsay is going to build a giant privacy fence between the properties as a peace offering so neither of them can see into the other person’s home.

That’s a great idea. If only this plan wasn’t defeated by simply walking outside and looking into Sam’s house from the street, it would make a lot of sense. But that’s Lindsay for you. Always coming up with a scheme to seem less insane but which makes her seem more so. She’s like the Wile E. Coyote of Los Angeles.

Now that Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab, she’s moved right next door to her ex, Samantha Ronson, into an identical house. This is the same Sam Ronson whose doorstep she would show up on and whose door she would incessantly bang on at 4 AM the morning. Knowing this, people may think Lindsay was stalking her.

But that’s not true, says a source (coughDinaLohancough). They say Lindsay has had her eye on the condo even before Sam and has wanted to move to the area for quite some time.

It just so happened that the only condo available in that area was right next door to Sam’s. A total coincidence. And those binoculars Lindsay uses to stare at Sam’s house with? Birdwatching. It’s her new hobby.

Also, isn’t this chick broke? Who’s paying for her $7,100 per month rent. It sure as hell isn’t her job because the only way she’d have one is if someone was looking for an unreliable screw-up with no discernible talent.

Lindsay Lohan would only stay in rehab until her new house was furnished. Luckily, that was done on Monday and, what a coincidence, her new place is right next door to Samantha Ronson’s, her ex.

Samantha was naturally pissed telling cameras in no uncertain terms, “Trust me, it wasn’t planned.” Asked for comment, Sam said, “Dude, I’m way too pissed off right now.”

One reason she was pissed was the fact Lindsay’s moving vans were blocking her garage and she couldn’t get out. Another reason is a cyclone of death and destruction moved next door to her. I’d be pissed too if the value of my home just dropped 50% and I had to live next to this screw-up and have my house surrounded by paparazzi for the next few years.

Sometimes I wonder if The Sun makes things up just to see what they could get away with. Like they have staff meetings on what would be the most outrageous but believable thing they could post and they come up with stuff like Samantha Ronson says Christina Aguilera was “horny as a college freshman.” This according to Ronson’s music producer Marlon David,

“Jordan was never comfortable with Xtina liking girls but he thought it would make the marriage work.

“Sam said she had a threesome with Xtina in Mexico last month, that’s when she realised she was a ‘hot piece of ass’. Sam said Xtina is ‘horny as a college freshman’.” Marlon also Xtina gave Sam a Skype peep show.”

I like how all of these quotes are from a 15-year-old’s fantasy sex novel. However, I am impressed The Sun showed restraint and didn’t throw in that “one time Lindsay Lohan walked in with a strap-on and nailed each of them until they came.”

Radar earlier claimed that Christina Aguilera had an open marriage with Jordan Bratman and frequently hit up gay bars to find women to play with. Jordan didn’t mind, of course. He probably got frustrated because Christina wouldn’t let him join in and kept his cage locked.

Now Radar claims Christina is hooking up with Lindsay Lohan’s ex, Samantha Ronson. A source says “they’ve known each other forever and they’re good friends.” As Christina’s marriage fell apart, she and Sam grew closer and neither of them needed Jordan anymore.

Holy crap. Samantha Ronson must be magic because she looks like Smigel but manages to convince girls they’re lesbian. Her tongue must vibrate like a guitar string.

Someone called 911 at 11 AM on Monday claiming a “pit bull” attacked a small Maltese and then attacked its owner. Sources later confirmed that it was Samantha Ronson’s bulldog, Cadillac. Officers arrived on scene to find the small dog, Tiger, dead and the female owner with minor injuries. Animal control came but left without Ronson’s dog.

No word on whether charges will be filed or what prompted the attack but I suspect its because the Maltese called the bulldog a “big queer”. Probably said it in a Boston accent too. Little known fact: Malteses are not only known for their silky white hair, but also for their bigotry.

Although Samantha Ronson is denying this ever happened, Lindsay Lohan drunk Twittered this morning that Samantha Ronson spat on her face. Lindsay wrote, “Fun @coachella but tonight @ my friernds bday party, @samantharonson spit in my face and left w/ @mileycyrus ‘s ex”

Samantha responded, “Guess what didn’t happen tonight…”

Oh, oh! Let me guess. Um… neither of you found your dignity? Wait, no. That’s too obvious. Neither of you were able to overcome your crippling mental disabilities? Aw, crap. Too obvious again. This is hard. Can someone give me a clue? Am I even on the right track because I think I am.

[Bauer-Griffin]

Prepare for a sexy revelation. Lindsay Lohan tells The Sun (in part 2 of her candid interview) via PEOPLE that her love of women crept up on her prone, sexy body like a bi-curious succubus. I don’t know what I just wrote. Anyway, Lohan sets the scene for the perfect woman in prison movie:

“I never really thought about women before, it kind of just happened with Samantha. It surprised me.”

“If I wasn’t with Samantha, I would probably be with a boy next. She’s the only woman I’ve been attracted to. We love each other. We might reconcile the relationship, maybe.”

Now that Lindsay and Samantha live in the same apartment building in LA, it will be hard to avoid each other. Not only that, it should make Lindsay’s plan of seducing Samantha much easier. First it’ll start with a chance meeting at the mailboxes. Next it will escalate to giggling at something Samantha said followed by a light graze of Lindsay’s fingers on Sam’s arms as she rasps, “Oh, you’re so funny!” Finally, Lindsay will ever so casually mention she’s not wearing panties and slightly hitch up her skirt. All the while the mailman, sweating profusely, nervously tries to finish sorting the mail as fast as he can before having to witness a full on Gollum-Ash Tray makeout session.

You may have thought Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up, but you would be very wrong. Sort of. While reports say they have split, they still show up to the same clubs and they both live in the same building which raises a few eyebrows. Now Radar says their relationship has turned violent and that Lindsay throwing a drink in Ronson’s face wasn’t an isolated incident. A source says:

“One time I saw her [Lindsay] and she had a large welt on her head,” the source told RadarOnline.com. “She told me that Sam beat the (bleep) out of her.

“She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.”

“It’s so twisted. They’re not together, but they are,” said the source. “I never thought I’d ever say this, but I really do feel sorry for Lindsay. She is just lost. She’s alone. She has no friends to turn to.”

It’s scientifically proven that 90 pound emaciated girls hit with about as much force as a down stuffed pillow so can this really be considered domestic violence? Lindsay had a welt on her head and that’s considered beating the shit out of her. Compare that to Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna. Sam probably didn’t even touch Lindsay. Sam probably swung at Lindsay and in the 20 seconds it took for her loosely clenched fist to reach her face, Lindsay had enough time to back away. Lindsay probably slipped on the ground and hit her head. A clash between Lindsay and Sam would be about as dangerous as a snowball fight with plastic bags instead of snow.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson crossed paths at Crown bar Wednesday night where they got into a cat fight. Sam was DJ’ing as she usually does and Lindsay showed up drinking vodka straight out of the bottle and popping Adderal. Lindsay then tried to make Sam’s taco pop by grinding on some girl. When that backfired, Lindsay threw a drink in Sam’s face.

“Lindsay was trying to get Sam’s attention, but she was working and studiously ignored Lindsay. You could see Lindsay getting more and more worked up the more Sam didn’t pay her any attention. At one point Lindsay was dirty dancing with this really pretty girl right in front of Sam, obviously to try and make her jealous.

“Sam just got sick of it all in the end though and started taunting Lindsay about her being all drunk and messed up. She said to Lindsay, “Why don’t you just have another drink?” and even told her, “You’re a disgrace”.

“That made Lindsay just totally flip out on Sam. She picked up a drink and threw it straight in her face! Sam was absolutely furious and picked up some DJ equipment that was by her and threw that at Lindsay. It was crazy!

Lindsay’s friend eventually pulled her away. Radar says Sam was pissed too. She went to H.Wood which she was kicked out of when she pushed their DJ aside and put on a mix tape. Turns out Sam took the audio cables when she left so the they couldn’t play music for the rest of the night.

Radar got this all wrong. This wasn’t a fight. This was the mating ritual of crazy bitches. Just like certain birds puff out their chests and display their plumage, drunk attention whores do this. I’m pretty sure the only reason Sam left was because she got all turned on and hot.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson both hit up Butter in NYC on Monday and it only took a gigantic oaf like John Mayer to get them on speaking terms again. He’s like cupid if cupid had a cro-magnon head and shot cliche love songs instead of arrows.

“Lindsay looked upset that Sam hadn’t come over to her, and she started whispering to John, who looked like he was trying to calm her down,” says the snitch. “She looked pretty angry. Then John got up and went to talk to Sam.”

“Lindsay seemed happier than she has in ages,” the spy says. “Sam eventually got up and deejayed for a while, and Lindsay kept standing up and looking over to the deejay booth, smiling.”

That’s just what people need. A reunion of the enabler and the psychotic bitch. Lindsay used to show up at Samantha’s door and pound on it at 4 AM in the morning not realizing Sam wasn’t home. If they end up getting back together, things might be worse. Instead of loud banging, Lindsay will just stick a note to the door with a hunting knife that reads, “Missed you. Catch you later. XOXO.”