Demi Moore was too caught up in chasing young tail and smoking dubiously legal synthetic weed so producers let her go from Lovelace and replaced her with Sarah Jessica Parker.

Here’s Parker yesterday on set in full Gloria Steinem costume. As you can see, she’s much more believable as a feminist than a sex symbol. Just don’t film her scenes in HD. I’d rather watch it in old school black and white where you have to bang the tv to get a signal.

Sweet baby jesus, no. Six seasons and two movies later, Sarah Jessica Parker still wants to soldier on with the depressing Sex and the City franchise. From Us,

“I would go back,” the 45-year-old actress told the L.A. Times from the set of her new movie, I Don’t Know How She Does It. “I think there’s one more story to tell. I know there is.”

“I’d definitely tell that [third] story, and I know Michael would do it right,” she says. “But maybe not now. Maybe in five years, you know?”

Why the wait? “It’s not that I want to get away from it,” the mom of three explained. “In a million years, who could get away from it?”

The actress also balks at reports claiming the next Sex and the City installment could be a prequel — one which would reportedly enlist Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively as a young Bradshaw.

“I was like, ‘Wha-a-a-a-t?’” Parker said. “There are a lot of important and interesting stories that 21-year-olds can tell. I don’t begrudge any 21-year-old the opportunity to tell their stories. They prove to us on an everyday basis that they’re interesting. Even their narcissism is interesting. Even their inertia is interesting. Even their tonal speech patterns are interesting.”

Did she seriously say in five years? Oh how I hope HD doesn’t get HD’er if this is true. But how is Kim Cattrall going to star in this? Is she going to be behind a table in every scene so we don’t see her walker? This is a terrible idea. This is like trying to keep a horse with a broken leg when you should be putting it out of its misery. The horse in this case is the Sex and the City series, not Sarah Jessica Parker, just in case there was any confusion.

Jesus christ. Has this chick been doing roids? Last time She-Hulk went out, her arms were all sinewy and gnarled like she discovered Madonna’s secret to being gross. Today her arms look like Hulk Hogan’s. Veiny and muscley. I’m too scared to even make fun of her anymore. She might find me and punch through my chest to rip out my still beating heart and raise it above her head while a booming voice in the background yells, “FATALITY!”

[Pacific Coast News]

The new Sex and the City 2 poster is a lot like Prince of Persia: Sands of Time but more FAAABULOUS! (If you read that in a flamboyant tone, it’d make more sense.)

Holy crap. Madonna better watchout because Sarah Jessica Parker is coming for her crown for freakiest arms. What the hell happened? It looks like she should be ripping phone books in half and bending frying pans. I wonder if it hurt when she was bombarded with gamma radiation. Do all her clothes rip off when she gets angry or do her pants turn into cutoff jeans like Bruce Banner?

[Pacific Coast News]

At times like this I really wish my tv had an HD filter. Through facial recognition, it could sense when Sarah Jessica Parker shows up and switch to standard def. Better yet, it could be like the old days where you’d have to squint really hard to see through the static. Then when she moseys on off the screen, HD would turn back on. This would stop me from having to explain why I’m screaming at the tv,

In the December issue of Elle, Sarah Jessica Parker reveals an utterly disgusting favorite scent of hers. And no, it’s not the smell of dried lubricant left on Michael Broderick’s taint by his secret boy toy. Parker shares,

“I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm like a baked good.”

While this may be unsettling information to the general public, handlers have known for years that horses love the smell of urine and often confuse it for freshly baked baguettes. Parker’s horsing around aside, this statement has left me curious. What level of dehydration do I need to reach to have my pee smell like hot cross buns? Allow me to pour myself another glass of Crown for further research. Stay tuned.

Sarah Jessica Parker also filmed a few flashback scenes yesterday. Here she’s dressed as the Material Girl caked in makeup to hide her leathery skin. Some may argue the copious amount of makeup used was merely to have her appear “youthful.” Others may just solemnly cry into their hands.

Sarah Jessica Parker filmed scenes for Sex and the City 2 yesterday. It was probably a flashback judging by the 80′s attire and the fact they made SJP ten times uglier. Is that possible? Clearly it is.

Hopefully these photos will tide you over until the movie is released because I know you’re all waiting with breathless anticipation for opening day when you’ll get to see 2 million women who’ve synced their cycles walk out of the theatre crying followed by the only two men in the theatre walk out wondering if what they just saw was really Christopher Nolan’s Inception. Honestly, nothing like the previews at all.

Matthew Broderick may have had enough of Sarah Jessica Parker or vice versa. Nine MSN says they’re living apart despite only recently bringing home newborn twins. Sarah Parker is rumored to be moving out of their New York home and into a nine-bedroom home she bought in Brooklyn.

“It would be a surprising decision to make so soon after the arrival of their twins,” a source was quoted as saying by Hollyscoop.

“Having the babies born healthy and happy was a dream come true, so it’s strange that they might have to spend some time apart at this stage.

“No one can quite believe it, but it’s clear they’re making the right decision for all the right reasons.”

Thus ends this saga of equine love. That guy who wanted to marry his dog had high hopes for these two. This has set inter-species relationships back a few years.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick released a family portrait of them with their son James Wilke and new twins Marion Loretta Elwell and Tabitha Hodge. They’re all staring at the one on the left for some reason. Maybe it threw up on itself. That stuff is cute when you’re a baby, but in adulthood, it’s just sad and pathetic. What’s up with that double standard?

Also, why do their kids’ names sound serial killers or murderers. For some reason, Tabitha Hodge sounds like Lizzy Borden, James Wilke is like James Wilkes Booth and Marion Loretta Elwell sounds like a shut-in who thinks god speaks to her through her cats and tells her to burn things.

WTRF has a classy webpage with scrolling marquees for headlines. For a second, I felt like I was back browsing Geocities pages.

Anyway, WTRF reports that Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s surrogate gave birth to twin girls on Monday night. Parker and Broderick are expected to make an announcement before leaving the hospital.

No word on if there were complications during the birth or whether the babies came out as humans or foals. Expect to find out soon. Although, don’t expect to hear any wacky names. Parker and Broderick are boring. They’ll probably name them Jill and Sally. Why can’t celebrities ever pick cool names. If it were me, I’d call them a roman numeral like XXCVC or an unpronounceable word with no vowels like XyyXyWF. I’d like to confuse the hell out of their teachers.

Two police chiefs are under investigation for planning to break into the home of Sarah Jessica Parker’s surrogate to get info for a tabloid. Several computers have been seized and investigators allege the two were trying to take pictures of the inside of the house to show the living conditions. According to WTRF TV:

Martins Ferry Police Chief Barry Carpenter and Bridgeport Police Dept. Chief Chad DoJack allegedly were behind a plan to burglarize the surrogate’s home in Martins Ferry, Ohio and then sell info to a tabloid reporter.

There must be a mistake. Are we talking about the same Sarah Jessica Parker? The one that when she goes to kid’s birthday parties, she gets confused for a pony? They must mean some other Sarah Jessica Parker. One that people don’t find incredibly annoying and unattractive.