Jokingly, of course. Matt Damon sat down for an interview to promote his new movie We Bought a Zoo and was told that when asked what kind of animal he would most be like, Scarlett Johansson said it would be a baby hippo.

“I would be a baby hippo?” Matt asked me. “That is sweet. If Scarlett were an animal, what would she be … Uh, a baby hippo — bitch!” HuffPo

I would have compared Scarlett Johansson to a unicorn that gave out hand jobs. But that would be more wishful thinking than anything else.

Ugh, this is a slow news day.

Last night was the premiere of We Bought a Zoo in NYC and among the attendees was Scarlett Johansson who stood in front of a mirror beforehand and asked herself, “How can I look like a complete non-sexualized version of a girl?” Thirty minutes later, ta-da! If you must know, her dress is made by famous designer “What the Hell?” and her hair was styled by “Seriously?” If I was gay, I would have already snapped my fingers and issued a “nuh-uh girlfriend.”

Scarlett Johansson divorced Ryan Reynolds a year ago and, soon after, started making the covers of all the weeklies by dating that jackass Sean Penn but now she’s mad Ryan moved on and moved in with his now girlfriend Blake Lively. This makes complete sense.

“Scarlett is pissed that he’s not under her spell anymore,” the source tells Us. “She realized what a great catch Ryan was.”

“Ryan would have gotten back with her. He was so totally in love,” says the insider,” but then she flaunted Sean right after their split, and he was done.” Us Magazine

Well, that’s disappointing. If I were Ryan Reynolds, my first thought would be, “So… no chance of a threesome then?”

Here’s Blake Lively on the set of Gossip Girl presumably with a hickey she got from Ryan Reynolds. Or a shadow.

Scarlett Johansson was spotted on the set of Under the Skin in Scotland on break from filming and was caught smoking a funny looking cigarette. If you can’t read between the lines, I’m saying she was smoking weed.

Being an actor is great. You get paid millions of dollars for a few months of work and can even get high while shooting. The only other jobs that let you do that are dishwasher and pizza delivery guy. The only difference is instead of living in a mansion, you live in your parent’s basement and the most exotic locale you get to go to is the pool at the YMCA.

Scarlett Johansson finally opens up about her leaked nude pics which ignited a manhunt for the guy who hacked her and other celebrities. Hey, FBI, sucking up to Scarlett won’t get you laid. Anyway, in the new issue of Vanity Fair, she says the pictures were meant for her then husband Ryan Reynolds.

Scarlett Johansson does not seem the least bit ashamed when discussing her recent nude-photo scandal with Vanity Fair contributing editor Peter Biskind. “I know my best angles,” she says with her trademark insouciance. “They were sent to my husband,” now ex Ryan Reynolds. “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like I was shooting a porno.” She adds saucily, “Although there’s nothing wrong with that either.” Vanity Fair

What I got from this is Scarlett Johansson would be up for shooting a porno with the right guy. Hot damn. *Puts on assless leather chaps* *Shimmies over to Scarlett’s house*

Us via Lainey reported that Scarlett Johansson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt were out on a date in New York. This elicited an “aww” from everyone. Joseph seems like a great guy and Scarlett has a fantastic personality (cups hands under breasts).

Anyway, Celebuzz had to be the buzzkill and ask Joseph’s rep about it. Joseph’s rep pretty much killed the rumor saying “Joseph wasn’t even in NYC the night that Us Weekly is reporting they were spotted together.”

I’m telling you, it was probably Carlos Gordon-Levitt. *Puts finger above lip again*

Scarlett Johansson lost out to Rooney Mara for the role of Lisabeth Salander in David Fincher’s American remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo because she was too sexy. Coincidentally, that’s why I never get picked for anything either.

“We flew in people from New Zealand and Swaziland and all over the place,” Fincher explained to Vogue. “Look, we saw some amazing people. Scarlett Johansson was great. It was a great audition, I’m telling you.”

So why didn’t Johansson, 26, nab the part? “But the thing with Scarlett is, you can’t wait for her to take her clothes off.”

Indeed, Johansson is probably too voluptuous for the edgy role as it is written in the book. Brilliant, socially freakish computer hacker Salander is a “a pale, anorexic young woman who had hair as short as a fuse, and a pierced nose and eyebrows,” author Larson wrote of Lizbeth, who is covered in tattoos.

“I keep trying to explain this,” Fincher said of his hunt for the protagonist, played by Noomi Rapace in the original Swedish-language trilogy.” Salander should be like E.T. If you put E.T. dolls out before anyone had seen the movie, they would say, ‘What is this little squishy thing?’ Well, you know what? When he hides under the table and he grabs the Reese’s Pieces, you love him! It has to be like that.”

He added: “I had seen a lot of actresses. I was beginning to get to the point where I was thinking, ‘Maybe conceptually you are talking about a person who doesn’t exist’.” Us Magazine

Aw, damn you god for making Scarlett Johansson so voluptuous. You suck. This is like if a blind guy owned the Mona Lisa or if I forgot to turn on that hidden camera I meticulously hid in Ashley Greene’s bathroom.

Here’s Rooney Mara in the latest edition of Vogue.

In an investigation dubbed “Operation Hackerazzi,” the FBI have arrested a Florida man suspected of hacking into the phones of Scarlett Johansson, Vanessa Hudgens, Ali Larter, Jessica Alba and Emma Caulfield and distributing the pictures.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ the FBI has known about him for months but the US Attorney didn’t take action until now.

Sources say the Floridian made no money off the leaked nudes. He only hacked celeb phones and distributed the pictures for the thrill of it.

Whew. America’s most notorious cell phone hacker has been apprehended. I no longer have to live my life in fear. Thanks, FBI. Now maybe you can help me track down the person who stole my iPhone? Have I ever been on the cover of PEOPLE? Um, no? What does that have to do with any… oooh.

The trailer for the upcoming Avengers movie finally debuted on the web so now all the superheroes in those so-so movies you watched this year will be teaming up to give you even more mediocrity. The only thing I ask from this movie is Robert Downey Jr. not dial it in and more shots of Scarlett Johansson clad in leather standing in front of explosions for no reason at all. It’s just so cool, man! Even Michael Bay got an erection.

Here’s Scarlett Johansson looking like a badass in a scene from the upcoming Avengers movie. The only thing that would make this cooler is if her zipper was down more and she was doing the splits and putting her hand to her ears like a phone and mouthing “call me.”

Not a word has been said by Scarlett Johansson about her leaked nude pics since it happened but that all changed in an interview with CNN (via Reuters). Johansson said celebrities are just like us! When it comes to the right of privacy. Other than that, celebrities are nothing like us.

“Just because you’re an actor or make films or whatever doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your own personal privacy … if that is sieged in some way, it feels unjust. It feels wrong,” said Johansson.

The actress said life in the spotlight — and in this case, asserting herself in instances where her privacy has been invaded — can be a struggle.

“It’s an adjustment, but I think there are certain instances where you give a lot of yourself and finally you have to kind of put your foot down and say, ‘Oh wait, I’m taking it back.’” Reuters

For the most part, I agree but Scarlett has to realize, being paid millions of dollars to do something as simple as reading lines off a script makes you inaccessible to regular people and causes a social divide which in turn makes others curious. Especially when you’re hot. Because tits. I swear I had something going there until I searched for pictures of Scarlett Johansson.

Not only is Scarlett Johansson rumored to be hooking up with Justin Timberlake, but now also Kieran Culkin (Scott Pilgrim vs the World). Scarlett and Kieran, who went to the same high school together, the Professional Children’s School, were recently seen strolling through Paris’ Champs-Elysees together after midnight.

They were photographed again the next day at the airport boarding a flight to the US but only after visiting Crazy Horse, the erotic burlesque venue.

So is she dating Kieran, JT, both or neither? What? Don’t look at me. All I know is that young lady has some explaining to do when she gets home tonight. *Taps foot impatiently*

Here’s Scarlett posing with the dancers of Crazy Horse.

If all that whispering is true and Bradley Cooper is gay, then his people have done a damn fine job making it seem otherwise. Cooper and Scarlett Johansson, who co-starred in He’s Just Not That Into You back in 2009, were spotted at Provocateur nightclub in NYC.

Bradley and Scarlett arrived with some friends including model Cheyenne Tozzi around 2 a.m. A few drinks later, Bradley stopped flirting with Cheyenne and turned his attention to Scarlett. “The duo were hand in hand and more than flirty by the end of the night!,” says Life & Style.

“They were here with a group of friends and ordered champagne,” says a second eyewitness. “The group was having a good time together.”

A rep for Johansson maintains that the pair are “just friends and have been for years.” — NYDN

Bradley Cooper is a handsome, charming actor who speaks fluent French. Of course he’s going to bang Scarlett Johansson. Having ovaries and trying to resist that would be like trying to resist the gravitational pull from Christina Aguilera’s new found mass. It’s just not going to happen.