Here’s the trailer for Sean Penn’s This Must Be the Place where he dresses in drag and talks in a soft, creepy voice. IMDB calls him a bored, retired rock star. I call him the guy that has to stay 200 feet away from schools.

Anyway, he has to go home when his dad dies and finds out daddy was a Holocaust survivor. He then sets out on a journey to find the ex-Nazi persecutor. He probably kinks his breathing tube or something.

He probably doesn’t have to though. Sean Penn makes the ugliest woman. I’d just kill myself if I he came up to me and asked if I would f**k him.

Just because Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are broken up doesn’t mean they can’t be civil toward each other. Which they were last night at Spike TV’s Guys Choice Awards in LA. Scarlett and Seann even took a picture together backstage but left separate.

By the way, if you’re confused as to what the hell a Spike TV’s Guys Choice Awards show is, this was the other awards show. The one way more celebrities went to because they knew Twilight wouldn’t dominate every major category.

Someone sound the trumpets. Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are no longer dating, a source tells PEOPLE.

Speculation about the pair began after Johansson did not attend the Cannes Film Festival with Penn for his movie The Tree of Life. She has been working on The Avengers in New Mexico, reprising her role of Black Widow from Iron Man 2.

Last we saw the leathery-faced malcontent, he was in a glass elevator with two “super hot” women at Cannes. It stands to reason, Sean Penn isn’t too broken up about it. But if Scarlett needs a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be here. Waiting. Naked.

I hope this marks the demise of Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson’s relationship because seeing that 49-year-old pompous asshat with Scarlett Johansson makes baby Jesus sad.

According to reports from Cannes, Sean Penn was seen with two “super-hot” women, a blond and a brunette, in a glass elevator at the Hotel du Cap in Antibes at 4 a.m. on Friday. The three of them went to one of the three-story property’s higher floors. A source said, “They weren’t sharing the elevator. They were going up together.” Sean wasn’t going to his room either as he was staying on the ground floor with his 17-year-old son.

No joke. I went down on my knees and prayed “please don’t let this be a foursome with Scarlett Johansson,” because if it was, I’d have to slit my wrists. But only after beating off to the thought of Scarlett Johansson with two chicks.

Just the idea of Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson together creeps me out so you can imagine what it would be like for me hearing that Sean and Scarlett engaged in an intense makeout session at the White House Correspondents Dinner over the weekend.

After being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole by refusing to put his hand over his heart when everyone sang The Star-Spangled Banner, Sean and Scarlett were shoving their tongues down each others throats during the main course. “She [Johansson] plopped down in his lap, and they were kissing. It happened right as the main course of the dinner was being put on the table.”

They later went to the courtyard where Sean grabbed a smoke and kept making out. “Scarlett was pawing at Sean, holding on to his hip while he was smoking. She gave him a short kiss. But then they took a walk some 30 feet away, broke off from the group and kissed some more.”

Sean, ever the gentlemen, stopped Scarlett before leaving before 3 a.m. to put his jacket on her shoulders, saying, “It’s cold out there.”

Aw, gross. Not only is my stomach doing somersaults at the thought of Sean probing Scarlett’s mouth like it was an anal cavity at an alien abduction, but now I’m sickened at the sweetness. He probably went home, lit a bunch of candles and drew her a bath too, huh?

Because Scarlett Johansson is one of the hottest women in the world, Sean Penn seems to be pushing her into marriage to nail her down permanently to his bed. This according to the National Enquirer. If you think about it, this is a smart play and really the only one he’s got. However, Scarlett is a little wary after her “painful” breakup with Ryan Reynolds.

“Scarlett says every day with Sean is an education equivalent to a college course – he’s so worldly and knowledgeable,” reports a friend.

“She knows she married Ryan way too fast, but insists she’s a quick learner. Even though marriage seems to be on Sean’s mind and he’s pushing things a little fast, Scarlett’s doing her best to hold him off at the pass.”

Sean Penn needs to up his game. If I were him, I’d be more convincing. This gun should do the trick!

They made their relationship official by going to Reese Witherspoon’s wedding together and now Us Weekly says Scarlett Johansson has moved in with Sean Penn proving that life isn’t fair.

Relocating from her temporary digs at a West Hollywood hotel, the recently divorced 26-year-old “has essentially moved in over the last few weeks,” the source says. And now that the actress and Penn, 50, share the same roof after months of furtive sightings at hotspots in Hollywood, Mexico and beyond, “they just stay home” whenever they can.

Among their fave homebody activities? Eating in and hanging out with Penn’s kids with ex-wife Robin Wright, who are mere years younger than Johansson: daughter Dylan, 20, and son Hopper, 17.

Robin Wright must feel ecstatic to “hang out” with Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson. Some women would turn lesbian for Scarlett and Robin gets to see her all the time. Sometimes most likely even making out with her ex-husband. What a lucky lady!

When rumors of Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn dating started popping up, I dry heaved a little because all I could think of was Scarlett sticking her tongue into an old catcher’s mitt. When the National Enquirer ran this story about them groping each other at Madeo restaurant, I had two other feelings in addition to the queasiness. Jealousy and sadness. Otherwise known as Friday night.

Even though two pals were with them, the steamy duo groped, smooched and stroked – but when the meal ended, Sean suddenly wanted to change tables for dessert.

Why? Said My SpyWitness: “They were at the best table in the house, but it’s smack in the center, and Sean was annoyed by lookey-loo diners sneaking peeks. There wasn’t an empty table to be had – but Sean sent a hostess to tell three girls in a corner booth that if they’d switch tables, he’d pay for dinner.”

Giggling, the girls agreed! They trooped to Sean’s table as his party scrunched into the booth, which was a tight fit – but it didn’t cramp the lovers’ style.

“Sean and Scarlett kissed and petted like their pals weren’t even there,” said my source. “When the evening ended and the lovebirds exited, a waiter handed the three girls a check holder – but there was no bill inside; just a note from Sean that read: ‘Thank you!’”

It’s great they used words like “stroked” right after “groped” since the first thing everyone will assume is that it was his cock being stroked. Scarlett sounds fun.

Remember when TMZ posted that photo of Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson having lunch together and Scarlett was resting her feet in his lap and being all like “yo, I’m comfortable with this” and Penn was all like “hey, girl, how’s it going?” and then everyone was all like “OMG OMG OMG they’re totally doing it!”?

Well, that may not have been far from the truth because PEOPLE reports Scarlett and Sean jetted off to Cabo San Lucas on Tuesday morning and were spotted getting a lobster dinner that night.

The pair left on a private jet from Van Nuys airport Tuesday morning, then were spotted having dinner in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, that night, according to sources. Early Wednesday morning, they returned to Los Angeles where Johansson is shooting the film We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.

On the menu during their Mexican meal? Penn, 50 and Johansson, 26, reportedly enjoyed lobster and, of course, margaritas.

On Feb. 5, the couple raised eyebrows when they stayed unusually close to each other at a party celebrating Black Swan at the L.A. hotspot Sunset Tower Hotel, then reportedly left together. “They were flirting with each other all night, pretty much ignoring everyone else,” a source told PEOPLE at the time.

Sounds a lot like my date. Except instead of jetting to Mexico, we took a bus to Red Lobster and instead of a romantic meal, I jabbed an EpiPen into her thigh when she fell to the floor gasping for air as her throat swelled shut. I guess that’s what she meant by “allergic to seafood.” Huh. Go figure.

According to unverified internet reports, since her split with Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett Johansson has been blowing through Hollywood like a sex tornado. The most recent rumor is she’s been banging 50-year-old Sean Penn.

It all started when she was staying at the Chateau Marmont while filming We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon. An insider claims, “Their first hook-up was in Scarlett’ Bungalow.” Off topic, but a bungalow sounds like an awesome thing to have. It’d be so much easier to invite chicks to my bungalow instead of “that apartment with the eviction notice taped to the door.”

The source goes on to say that Scarlett gave Sean a raging boner by telling him she was “planning to visit Haiti with Oxfam.” She heard rumors that Sean was living there in a tent and wanted his advice. Naturally, she didn’t go but “Scarlett’s smitten with him.”

Reps for Scarlett says “There is no truth to this at all,” and I’m inclined to believe them. Mostly because Sean Penn seems like a dick. His tent in Haiti is probably better than a room at the Four Seasons. I won’t have my imaginary girlfriend dating a guy like that.

When Wyclef Jean announced that he wanted to run for president of Haiti, Sean Penn told Larry King that he hasn’t seen much of Wyclef in Haiti for the six months he’s been there (to be fair, Penn wasn’t in Haiti for six months so he could have missed him) and that he was suspicious of his intentions claiming Wyclef would just be a shill for major corporations.

Wyclef responded the other day by changing up the lyrics of his song, “If I Was President,” to call Sean Penn a cokehead.

“If I was president. I got a message for Sean Penn, maybe he ain’t see me in Haiti cuz he was too busy sniffing cocaine. I got a message for Praswell, even though you don’t want to support me, I got love for you. Even though you only kicked eight bars in the Fugees. If I was president.”

Sean’s spokesperson issued a denial right away explaining that it was physically impossible that Sean snorted the coke during his relief efforts. It’s just science!

“Mr. Jean is clearly unfamiliar with the physical demands put upon volunteers in Haiti. As aid workers there, the notion of depleting the body’s immune system thru the use of illicit drugs is ludicrous. More specifically, J/P Haitian Relief Organization (a.k.a. JPHRO) has a ZERO tolerance policy for any and all illegal drugs. As the leader of this organization, Sean Penn has not only set this policy, but adheres to it. That Mr. Jean would make such a false accusation is reckless and saddening, but not surprising.”

Yea, you corporate whore. Get your facts straight. Sean only snorts when he’s not helping out in Haiti.

Wyclef Jean recently announced that he’ll run for president of Haiti but having never really lived there and having no prior political experience, people like Sean Penn think Wyclef’s motives are a little suspicious.

Penn appeared on CNN yesterday to voice his concern about Wyclef’s bid for presidency. He brought up the allegations that Wyclef mishandled $400,000 in donations and suggested that big corporations are behind his run for office.

“I see in Wyclef Jean somebody who could well have been influenced by the promise of support of companies. I think Haiti is clearly vulnerable … There is a history of American interests coming in and underpaying people. This is a culture of one to two dollars a day, that they were making.”

Penn openly worried about American corporations and individuals “enamored” with Wyclef becoming “opportunists on the back of the Haitian people.”

“I haven’t seen or heard anything of [Wyclef Jean] in these last six months that I’ve been in Haiti. I think he’s an important voice. I hope he doesn’t sacrifice that voice by taking the eye off the very devastating realities on the ground,” Penn said. “I want to see someone who’s really, really willing to sacrifice for their country, and not just someone who I personally saw with vulgar entourage of vehicles that demonstrated a wealth in Haiti that, in context, I felt was a very obscene demonstration.”

Note that Sean Penn hasn’t actually lived in Haiti these last six months and also traveled around the place demonstrating his wealth but, you know, whatever. Jean replied:

“I just want Sean Penn to fully understand I am a Haitian, born in Haiti and I’ve been coming to my country ever since (I was) a child. He might just want to pick up the phone and meet, so he fully understands the man.”

It’s always nice to see two celebrities try to outdo each other in order to exploit a devastated nation in some sort of celebrity pissing contest. This is like in a divorce where each parent tries to out-nice the other one so they can say their kid likes them more.

Sean Penn recently slammed critics of his recent trip to Haiti and wished rectal cancer on all of them. Today he’s asking that journalists who in any way call Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez a dictator be jailed. Sean Penn is very obviously insane. Appearing on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday, Penn defended Chavez saying:

“Every day, this elected leader is called a dictator here, and we just accept it, and accept it” said Penn, winner of two Best Actor Academy Awards. “And this is mainstream media, who should — truly, there should be a bar by which one goes to prison for these kinds of lies.”

Fox News’ Judge Andrew says what Sean Penn is asking for is basically a communist-like regime.

Judge Andrew Napolitano, Fox News’ senior judicial analyst, said the same constitutional protection that applies to journalists also applies to Penn, who can say pretty much anything he wants in the “political arena” — aside from an immediate incitement of violence.

“What he is saying is protected, as wacky and weird as it is,” Napolitano told FoxNews.com. “But the substance of what he’s saying would be absolutely contrary to the First Amendment, which fully protects all political opinions. So if a journalist says Dick Cheney should go to jail, the journalist is privileged to say that.”

“Mr. Penn is calling for a communist-like regime in which journalists who criticize the government are sent to jail because of that criticism,” Napolitano added. “That is utterly un-American and hasn’t happened here since the Civil War.”

Actors like Penn are idiots. They think that by winning 2 Oscars, their opinion matters no matter how stupid or hypocritical it is. I’d rather listen to myself struggling to breathe after being punched in the sternum than listen to Sean Penn talk politics.