The good news is Eli Roth really likes Selena Gomez and wants to be friends. The bad news is we won’t know how the date went until we find her body a week from now.

[via Instagram]

This week in shoots we have Abigail Clancy in Cosmo UK, Beatrice Charity in swimwear, Catherine Bell for Felix Kunze, Dakota Fanning in Elle UK, Joanna Krupa for Me in My Place, Julianne Hough in Prestige, Kate Beckinsale in Angeleno, Lady Gaga topless in Vogue, Paris Hilton in FHM and Selena Gomez doing a shoot for Dream Out Loud.

Also, follow me on Twitter because you sometimes you get tweets like this and this. Don’t forget to follow us on Facebook too. Begging is not beneath me. Please, please, please? Why won’t you love me?!

Selena Gomez was set to welcome a new sibling when tragedy struck over the weekend. Her mom had miscarried. This was to be mom Mandy and stepdad Brian’s first child together. The two married when Selena was 5.

Selena has canceled two appearances over the holidays to spend time with her family. Hopefully Justin Bieber doesn’t show up while she’s at home. There’s no need to pile on the misery by reminding everyone Selena is dating that dork.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were in Washington, D.C. the other day and politics must make Justin aroused because he goosed Selena.

Like they say on Capitol Hill. A little grab-ass never hurt anyone. Until that whore opens her big mouth.

Of course Selena Gomez showed up at the AMAs with her boyfriend Justin Bieber who’s looking more and more like a skinny Chaz Bono every day. What’s up with that velvet tux Justin is wearing? He looks like raided Hugh Hefner’s closet. Anyway, Selena looked great. Nothing like her wax figure. And luckily, god invented hands so you can use one of them to cover up Justin in all of these pictures.

Madame Tussauds unveiled Selena Gomez’s wax figure the other day and, what the hell happened? Were they working off of memory? It’s like they said F it half way through and started drinking. This looks nothing like Selena Gomez. It’s so different that this may be the only time I would not have sex with a celebrity’s wax figure.

I’ll get to Justin Bieber’s paternity suit in a moment but first, here’s Selena Gomez’s inaugural upskirt. This is a rite of passage among young female celebrities. You always remember your first. Selena’s was while leaving a salon in West Hollywood while wearing a short silver dress. Aww, our little baby is growing up.

These screen caps are from a behind the scenes video for the promo Selena Gomez did for the MTV EMAs coming up. The one where she dressed like a ghetto girl which meant wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt over a bra and baggy jeans. Which is pretty cool. More celebrities should adopt this style.

On another note, how lame are the MTV EMAs that they need a behind the scenes look at the shooting of a 40 second promo? A promo for a promo? It’s like the biggest star next to Selena Gomez at the EMAs is an American Idol contestant who got fifth place and a dog who can bark the alphabet.

Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber went to Winnipeg animal rescue D’Arcy’s A.R.C. and ended up picking up a puppy. Selena already has five rescue dogs but misses them since she’s on tour so, hey, why not pick up another one to keep her company.

“I wasn’t expecting her to adopt a dog while she was on tour and has a busy schedule,” Johnston says. Gomez went through the standard screening process and was able to leave with the puppy, which she named Baylor, that day.

“Baylor probably would have had a bad life or a very short life,” Johnston says. “But he got rescued and brought to our shelter and is now going to live a very good life.” PEOPLE

It’s good to see that celebrities weigh the pros and cons before going through with something. She already has five dogs, what’s one more? Not like she has to take care of them anyway. That’s what housekeepers are for.

Selena Gomez filmed a promo for the MTV EMA’s and went full chola. According to legend, this happens when you utter the enchanted phrase, “Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the most stereotypical latina of them all?” Also, I’d be remiss not to point out the obvious cleavage flashing.

In related news, a 46-year-old stalker by the name of Thomas Brodnicki told his shrink he was going to kill Selena Gomez as per God’s orders.

According to the declarations of Selena and her lawyer, Blair Berk … Brodnicki told the shrink he traveled from Chicago to L.A. to meet her, visited her workplace at least 3 times and has told people he had conversations with God about killing her. Selena says she is in “extreme fear,” believing he will carry out his death threat against her if he isn’t stopped. TMZ

I know the fact that Justin Bieber being all up in Selena’s business has ruined her for all of us, but don’t you think this is going a little too far, Brodnicki?

Days after announcing “Mistletoe” as the first single off his Christmas album, Justin Bieber performed an impromptu rendition of the song for fans in Rio.

“This is the first time anywhere in the world that I’ve sung this. So, this is special,” he said.

Oh whatever. Justin Bieber could have flung monkey poo into the crowd and they’d have screamed with just as much enthusiasm.

Rio was in for another surprise as Selena Gomez made a guest appearance and did a duet version of “Who Says” with Beiber.

Disappointing. I heard not one request for her to show her tits. Is this a concert or a prayer circle?

Justin Bieber must still be trying to get into Selena Gomez’s pants because he took over the entire Staples Center in LA over the weekend for a screening of Titanic for just him and her.

Sources say Bieber got the idea from watching Mr. Deeds where Adam Sandler surprises Winona Ryder with a date at Madison Square Garden. That pretty much tells you all you need to know about this dork. Not only does he watch terrible movies but he gets his date ideas from them.

Anyway, for those who care, here are the details. Justin and Selena went to the Demi Lovato concert at Nokia Theater and Justin told Selena to “come with me,” taking her underground to the Staples Center to watch the movie.

I’m amazed Selena didn’t run away like all my dates who I coerce into an underground tunnel. Then again, I’m no J.Biebs.

Reportedly, Justin didn’t have to spend a dime for the arena. Since he sold out the venue three times and it was empty, they let him have it for free. *Looks at half-eaten sandwich on the ground* *Cries*

Before I forget, Selena Gomez won Celebrity I’d Most Like to Do at the VMAs on Sunday. What devil did he have to promise his soul to for this? Because I’d like their name and number. Do I contact them by standing in a pentagram, saying their name three times in the mirror or what?