Don’t be confused. When I say, “Dat ass!,” while looking at Serena Williams in a bikini, I say it in a scared, frightened sort of way.

• Kendall Jenner gets her swirl on. [Bossip]
• You won’t believe what Coco is doing in Hawaii. Hint: Showing off her ass. [Celebslam]
• Kat Von D is a dude in leather shorts. (Site NSFW) [Drunken Stepfather]
• Matthew McConaughey popped the question to his hot girlfriend. [IDLYITW]
• It may come as a shock to you, but Rihanna breaks a Billboard record. /Sarcasm [Celebs]
• I still think bald John Travolta is the best thing to happen in 2011. [The Superficial]

I really wish someone other than Serena Williams would usher in bikini season. It’s never a good sign when I open up a picture and scream at my monitor for five minutes.

And, dear lord, her thighs are terrifying and somewhat amazing. I’ve seen T-Rexes with smaller quads.

Not only did Serena Williams suffer from a foot injury that kept her out of tennis for the past 8 months, but earlier today it was reported that on Monday, Serena underwent emergency surgery for a pulmonary embolism.

Doctors say a blood clot that developed in her leg traveled up to her lungs. After giving her blood thinners, they also had to treat her for a hematoma. According to analysts, she may be out for one year.

“The first think is for her to get her health back,” ESPN analyst Pam Shriver said. “And I’m sure that’s what she’s focusing on. You can’t say that this is uncharted, because Monica Seles was No. 1 when she was stabbed [in 1993] and forced to leave the game. Justine [Henin] surprisingly retired [in 2008] as the No. 1 player. We’ve seen that abruptness before.

Aw, man. And I loved listening to Serena grunt while hitting the ball. Who will grunt for me now, I ask you? Who will grunt for me now?!

The first thing that came to mind when I saw those pictures of Cassie at the beach was “I wonder if that hot bitch Serena Williams was also in a bikini.” I said this jokingly of course but then a joke became reality and a reality became a nightmare!

If this monster popped out of the ocean and started chasing me, I’d have the same reaction. It’d be like a horror movie with me tripping every few steps and scrambling back up in fear. Serena should have said, “Imma eat you little girl!” to scare her even more.

Serena Williams looks like she could kick my ass in three seconds. Those thighs are frightening. She’s like a T-Rex. If I jogged past her, instinct would kick in and she’d probably chase me and beat me down. Like she did to this guy.

[Images: Fame, Bauer-Griffin]

Serena Williams was in Barbados on Monday stomping around in the ocean when her breasts popped out of her swimsuit. May I be the first to say, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” If you need me, I’ll be curled up in the corner rocking back and forth. NSFW photos below. Thankfully you can’t see much in the thumbs.

Update: Had to take them down so here’s Minka Kelly instead.

Turns out you can’t just go around telling line judges, “I swear to God I’ll fucking take this ball and shove it down your fucking throat! Do you hear me? I swear to God. You better be glad–you better be fucking glad that I’m not, I swear,” during a semifinals game at the US Open. I mean, you could, but you might be fined and lose the match like Serena Williams did.

Williams battled Kim Clijsters during a semifinal match on Sunday when she blew up after being called for a foot fault which resulted in a double fault. A point penalty was given for the outburst which gave Kim the win. Serena was also fined $10,000 and an investigation has been opened to look into her “threatening manner.” In addition, another $500 was taken away for Serena smashing her racket after the first set of the match.

People just don’t understand. Sometimes you get emotional during a tennis match. Like last week when I was losing to this 13-year-old, I got so mad I smashed the racket over my knee. Apparently rolling on the floor clutching your knee and crying isn’t as intimidating as you think.

Look, whatever I’m planning to say about this dude will most likely result in me getting my ass kicked so I’m just going to shut my mouth and leave it to you guys. Wait, did I just call… Oh crap!

Also, please tell me Serena isn’t wearing a sex chain. *shivers*

Serena Williams hit Miami beach yesterday after defeating Jelena Jankovic to win her fifth Sony Ericsson Open title . Lucky for us she didn’t wear a bikini. Oh, she did? You mean you actually looked at the picture? Sucks for you, dude.

Wish granted!

More details as to why Paris Hilton would give up sex have come out. Apparently it wasn’t just for the betterment of herself, it was to win a bet for the single girls club she created. Another member of this club is Serena Williams.

Yea, you read that right. Someone actually allowed Serena Williams in a GIRLS club and let her in on this bet. Paris Hilton may not be the best looking gal in the world, but when you’re up against Serena there has to be some sort of handicap. I’m not saying Serena is ugly. I just can’t envision men beating down her door to get at her vagina no matter how unused it is compared to Paris’ and when you’re up against a girl who has penis for breakfast, it’s kind of unfair.

Here’s Paris trying to be sexy. Look at her left eye in that one pic and tell me you don’t want to go “Yarrrr matey”.