One of the negatives about pregnancies is how big you get on account of another human growing inside you and stealing all your nutrients. One of the positives is if you’re 5’2” like Shakira, no one can really tell you were pregnant. Unless they look at your chest. And keep looking. And keep looking. And keep looking some more until it gets a little creepy and you have to take a restraining order out on them.

Update: Made it clearer so people don’t think she’s still pregnant.

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Shakira posted a picture of her pregnant belly on Twitter saying she and Gerard Pique would like to share the imminent birth of their first child with us. Um, I have a couple questions. I sort of get why she’s in a bikini top but why is his shirt off? Is it for symmetry or did he just wander here from a Calvin Klein commercial? To be honest, it’s kind of weird. But not as weird as Shakira’s swollen belly. God, pregnant women are so creepy.

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You can stop running around flailing your hands over your head with excitement. Shakira did not give birth to a baby boy. But what about her boyfriend, FC Barcelona star Gerard Piqué’s, tweet which read in Spanish, “Our son has been born! We’re very happy! Thank you all for your messages!”

It was a joke as part of Dia de Los Santos Inocentes in Spain, a long winded way of saying, “December Fools’! Haha, you suck!” December 28 in Latin America is similar to April 1 in America. Which is confusing. They should just  make April 1 the de facto standard because U-S-A! U-S-A!

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The Voice fat curse continues. Shakira has confirmed that she’s pregnant. This will be her and Gerard Pique’s first child.

“As some of you may know, Gerard and I are very happy awaiting the arrival of our first baby! At this time we have decided to give priority to this unique moment in our lives and postpone all the promotional activities planned over the next few days.

“This means I will not be able to be a part of the iHeartRadio Music Festival, but I’m sure this weekend in Las Vegas will be spectacular and I will be closely following everything that happens there!

“I’d like to thank Clear Channel and my fans for their constant love and understanding.

“Big kiss! And will see you very soon! Shakira.”

Great. This is just what I need. To watch another hot chick balloon up while on The Voice. You might as well just stomp on my erection while you’re at it.

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Though reps for Shakira deny it, Spanish and Latin America have been reporting that a sex tape starring Shakira and Barcelona star defender Gerard Pique is being shopped around. Spanish mag Intervieu claims a Barcelona talent agent was offered the tape which was allegedly filmed by a former employee of Shakira who’s now using it to blackmail her. This rumor comes amidst new reports that her ex and former manager is suing her for $250 million.

“The video lasts about 15 minutes….it’s filmed with a cell phone, which I guess, belonged to Shakira’s employee who was at the helm of the boat that night. The images are not steady and it’s out of focus.”

Shakira is 5’2” and Gerard Pique is 6’4”. There’s a good chance the tape is out of focus because Gerard was spinning her like a top.

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I apologize for that alarmist headline. I do not know if in fact the sea lion was racist. Although it could have been. I mean, did anyone see it NOT sieg heil?

Anyway, Shakira was almost killed by a sea lion while visiting Cape Town, South Africa. Okay, maybe not killed, but she was almost almost bitten by one of these soulless beasts.

Shakira and her brother were on a tour in Cape Town last Sunday afternoon when they spotted these gentle aquatic creatures (hence the name sea LIONS). They thought it’d be a good idea to get up close and take a picture. Because this is always the first thought that comes to mind when you see a wild animal.

“Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me,” she wrote on Facebook. “I was paralyzed by fear and couldn’t move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother ‘Super Tony’ jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast.”

Shakira believes the sea lion was confused by the shiny reflection of the Blackberry she used to take pictures. “It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it,” she said, adding that she and Tony suffered minor scratches on nearby rocks as they tried to escape. Sea lions have interacted well with humans throughout history, and attacks are rare and usually tied to territorial aggression. PEOPLE

Well, those two paragraphs could have been summed up to simply:

Sea Lion:  ”COME AT ME, BRO!”
Shakira: “Ahhh!” *runs away* *falls on rocks*

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Shakira debuted her new short hair via Twitter on Tuesday. PEOPLE says she spent more than six hours inside Jordi Ripoll Salon in Barcelona to have it done. Which seems excessive for what’s basically some guy taking scissors and chopping your hair in half. I’ve seen open heart surgeries take less time than this.

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Shakira performed in Monterrey, Mexico earlier this week and as she walked through the crowd while singing, she shook hands with a fan who slipped a ring off her finger. The whole thing was captured on film and the guy still didn’t get caught. Probably because based on all the stereotypes of Mexico, it’s a lawless land where you can pay off cops to look the other way. The guards following her were probably in on it. I bet if Shakira said anything, her security would have punched her.

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Shakira and her boyfriend/manager of 11 years, Antonio de la Rua, separated back in August. An unknown fact until they announced the breakup on Shakira’s website.

Dear Friends,

During our almost 11 years together we have loved each other deeply, taken care of each other and stood by one another. They have been the most wonderful years of our lives, and thanks to that love and the respect that we share for one another we have been an exceptional couple and partners.

However, since August 2010, we made a mutual decision to take time apart from our romantic relationship. Throughout this time we have continued to work together hand in hand, have remained close and have kept the details absolutely private until now.

We view this period of separation as temporary and as a time of individual growth as we continue to be partners in our business and professional lives.

Antonio continues to oversee and conduct my business and career interests as he has always done. We move forward as partners, developing projects together, working hand in hand and in close communication. Our friendship and understanding of one another is unwavering and indestructible.

We would like to advise that we will not be giving interviews or making more statements with respect to this matter and we appreciate in advance your understanding and respect during this sensitive time in our lives.

Shakira and Antonio

This begs the question, if no one knew anything about it until they put out a statement, does anyone care? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound? If I slap Kim Kardashian on the ass and her bodyguard has his head turned, will I still get my ass kicked? The last one is a really important question.

Regardless, the two were spotted in Paris yesterday “maintaining their business relationship.” By which I mean, they totally got a hotel room and “did it.”

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Shakira was filming her latest music video and almost shook her ass out of her pants but the only thing the The Daily Mail focuses on is her stretch marks.

They go into a lot of detail too. “Her low-slung trousers unveiled a trail of silvery marks around the top of her hips. Stretch marks, or striae as they are known medically, are a form of skin scarring. They appear when the skin is rapidly stretched through weight gain or growth spurts.” Thanks, Dr. Boner Killer.

They also talk about Kelly Brook’s breasts at the premiere of Piranha 3D and instead of pointing out how awesome they were, they point out her stretch marks. What a bunch of queers.

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