I apologize for that alarmist headline. I do not know if in fact the sea lion was racist. Although it could have been. I mean, did anyone see it NOT sieg heil?

Anyway, Shakira was almost killed by a sea lion while visiting Cape Town, South Africa. Okay, maybe not killed, but she was almost almost bitten by one of these soulless beasts.

Shakira and her brother were on a tour in Cape Town last Sunday afternoon when they spotted these gentle aquatic creatures (hence the name sea LIONS). They thought it’d be a good idea to get up close and take a picture. Because this is always the first thought that comes to mind when you see a wild animal.

“Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me,” she wrote on Facebook. “I was paralyzed by fear and couldn’t move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother ‘Super Tony’ jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast.”

Shakira believes the sea lion was confused by the shiny reflection of the Blackberry she used to take pictures. “It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it,” she said, adding that she and Tony suffered minor scratches on nearby rocks as they tried to escape. Sea lions have interacted well with humans throughout history, and attacks are rare and usually tied to territorial aggression. PEOPLE

Well, those two paragraphs could have been summed up to simply:

Sea Lion:  ”COME AT ME, BRO!”
Shakira: “Ahhh!” *runs away* *falls on rocks*

Shakira debuted her new short hair via Twitter on Tuesday. PEOPLE says she spent more than six hours inside Jordi Ripoll Salon in Barcelona to have it done. Which seems excessive for what’s basically some guy taking scissors and chopping your hair in half. I’ve seen open heart surgeries take less time than this.

Shakira performed in Monterrey, Mexico earlier this week and as she walked through the crowd while singing, she shook hands with a fan who slipped a ring off her finger. The whole thing was captured on film and the guy still didn’t get caught. Probably because based on all the stereotypes of Mexico, it’s a lawless land where you can pay off cops to look the other way. The guards following her were probably in on it. I bet if Shakira said anything, her security would have punched her.

Shakira and her boyfriend/manager of 11 years, Antonio de la Rua, separated back in August. An unknown fact until they announced the breakup on Shakira’s website.

Dear Friends,

During our almost 11 years together we have loved each other deeply, taken care of each other and stood by one another. They have been the most wonderful years of our lives, and thanks to that love and the respect that we share for one another we have been an exceptional couple and partners.

However, since August 2010, we made a mutual decision to take time apart from our romantic relationship. Throughout this time we have continued to work together hand in hand, have remained close and have kept the details absolutely private until now.

We view this period of separation as temporary and as a time of individual growth as we continue to be partners in our business and professional lives.

Antonio continues to oversee and conduct my business and career interests as he has always done. We move forward as partners, developing projects together, working hand in hand and in close communication. Our friendship and understanding of one another is unwavering and indestructible.

We would like to advise that we will not be giving interviews or making more statements with respect to this matter and we appreciate in advance your understanding and respect during this sensitive time in our lives.

Shakira and Antonio

This begs the question, if no one knew anything about it until they put out a statement, does anyone care? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound? If I slap Kim Kardashian on the ass and her bodyguard has his head turned, will I still get my ass kicked? The last one is a really important question.

Regardless, the two were spotted in Paris yesterday “maintaining their business relationship.” By which I mean, they totally got a hotel room and “did it.”

Shakira was filming her latest music video and almost shook her ass out of her pants but the only thing the The Daily Mail focuses on is her stretch marks.

They go into a lot of detail too. “Her low-slung trousers unveiled a trail of silvery marks around the top of her hips. Stretch marks, or striae as they are known medically, are a form of skin scarring. They appear when the skin is rapidly stretched through weight gain or growth spurts.” Thanks, Dr. Boner Killer.

They also talk about Kelly Brook’s breasts at the premiere of Piranha 3D and instead of pointing out how awesome they were, they point out her stretch marks. What a bunch of queers.

Shakira hit up Ibiza, Spain to do a photo shoot and to show everyone that while she may have the chest of a 12-year-old boy and be only an inch taller than a leprechaun, she more than makes up for it by being able to put her legs behind her head. While standing up. Having sex with her would be nerve-racking because every two minutes when you twist her into a new position you’d think you broke and killed her.

[Bauer]

Shakira released a video for her single “She Wolf” and it is absolutely the most amazing thing ever. If the Three Wolf Moon shirt ever needed a companion song, this would be it.

The video begins with her pulsating her body in someone’s rectum. This is what people fear they don’t find when they go in for a colonoscopy. Thankfully the sexiness moves outside of the glittery anus and into a club.

The dancing in this video can best be described as a really hot chick awkwardly trying to get your attention. You think that stuff only happens in cliched comedies, but here it is, happening in real life. It’s fascinating in the same way car accidents are fascinating.

A sex tape featuring a threesome with Shakira, her boyfriend Antonio de la Rua and singer-songwriter Alejandro Sanz on a yacht could very well exist. The tape is rumored to be in the possession of prosecutors evaluating the case against ex-employees of Sanz Carlos González and his wife, Sylvia Alzate, who were accused of extortion.

In a recent interview, Javier Ceriani, host of the radio show “Zona Cero”, said “there’s word of a private video taped in a yacht, which could involve Alejandro Sanz, Shakira and Antonio de la Rúa, but this material is in the prosecutors’ hands”.

He stated that, according to the prosecutor, “if some of this tape’s content would be made public, it could seriously threaten the singer and couple’s private life”.

I don’t know what the rest of the article said because I was too busy imagining Shakira being double penetrated. Then I realized Shakira is only 4’11” which basically makes her a midget. Which begs the question. Could this mixture of fetishes — celebrity, little person and DP — be the holy grail of celebrity sex tapes? If a boulder begins chasing you through a temple as you gleefully flee with the video, then I would venture to say that yes, it is indeed.

Update: April Fool’s my ass. Don’t play with my heart like that.

Faith Hill was kind of mad about losing to Carrie Underwood at the CMA Awards last night. The murderous rage that filled her can be seen at 43 seconds. Her PR is playing it off as her being playful. Right. And my wanting to knee Kevin Federline in the face is just me being flirtatious.

Paris Hilton and Travis Barker greet each other by tongue kissing. That’s the excuse they made up for being two whores.

Office Space re-cut. Horror has a new name. I’m not joking when I say I would be there on opening day to watch this.

Shakira and Roger Waters bought an island together where they will build a luxury resort. Shakira can still be considered a midget because she’s so damn short. I’m not sure how that relates to anything. Oh well.

Anna Nicole sells her C-section video. Something is seriously wrong with this girl. She’s one step away from animal porn.

Petra Nemcova with Russell Simmons. Your kidding me. For the sake of the people, get your eyes checked Petra. You might need a really strong prescription.

Here’s Carrie Underwood at the CMA’s.

Even though Shakira makes a living off of shaking her ass, she does not like frequenting clubs. She made an exception when Wyclef John invited her to come to Suite on Saturday. Shakira demanded that a space be made for her free of glass so she could walk barefoot and also requested eight bottles of Herradura tequila.

Shakira hit mainstream about five years ago and showed everyone that 5ft midgets could be erotic. Now it’s not so cute anymore. Total buzz kill. And you thought your dad getting wasted in his underwear and deciding he wanted to get in on the Jello wrestling was bad.