The Blemish » shakira Better than a slap to the face Fri, 27 Feb 2015 18:50:38 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Shakira Enjoys Being Owned By Her Boyfriend Tue, 11 Mar 2014 19:29:04 +0000 Shakira told Billboard that she can no longer do videos with men because her boyfriend, Gerard Pique, won’t allow it. She even had to ask Pique permission to shoot “Forget You” with Rihanna. She enjoys this and thinks it’s charming.

“He’s very territorial, and since he no longer lets me do videos with men, well, I have to do them with women,” she says with a laugh. “It’s more than implied in our relationship that I can’t do videos like I used to. It’s out of the question – which I like, by the way. I like that he protects his turf and he values me, in a way that the only person that he would ever let graze my thigh would be Rihanna.”

If protecting your girlfriend from men like a hungry lion protects its meat from other predators isn’t romantic, then I don’t know what is. Like I always tell my girlfriends. You’re chained to the basement because I love you and I don’t want to lose you. Not to another man, the state police or the FBI.

]]> 2
Rihanna and Shakira Can’t Remember to Forget You Fri, 31 Jan 2014 11:08:05 +0000 The video for Shakira and Rihanna’s “Can’t Remember to Forget You” went up last night. There was a lot of ass shaking and grinding up on walls. My god, the walls. Do you think the PA snuck back on set after the shoot and licked them? No? Haha. Uh, me neither. Because that would be weird, right?

]]> 0
Shakira’s Pregnancy Is Changing Her Body Fri, 01 Mar 2013 23:05:05 +0000 One of the negatives about pregnancies is how big you get on account of another human growing inside you and stealing all your nutrients. One of the positives is if you’re 5’2” like Shakira, no one can really tell you were pregnant. Unless they look at your chest. And keep looking. And keep looking. And keep looking some more until it gets a little creepy and you have to take a restraining order out on them.

Update: Made it clearer so people don’t think she’s still pregnant.

]]> 1
Shakira Definitely Pregnant Thu, 17 Jan 2013 10:04:12 +0000 Shakira posted a picture of her pregnant belly on Twitter saying she and Gerard Pique would like to share the imminent birth of their first child with us. Um, I have a couple questions. I sort of get why she’s in a bikini top but why is his shirt off? Is it for symmetry or did he just wander here from a Calvin Klein commercial? To be honest, it’s kind of weird. But not as weird as Shakira’s swollen belly. God, pregnant women are so creepy.

]]> 0
Shakira Did Not Give Birth Fri, 28 Dec 2012 19:15:31 +0000 You can stop running around flailing your hands over your head with excitement. Shakira did not give birth to a baby boy. But what about her boyfriend, FC Barcelona star Gerard Piqué’s, tweet which read in Spanish, “Our son has been born! We’re very happy! Thank you all for your messages!”

It was a joke as part of Dia de Los Santos Inocentes in Spain, a long winded way of saying, “December Fools’! Haha, you suck!” December 28 in Latin America is similar to April 1 in America. Which is confusing. They should just  make April 1 the de facto standard because U-S-A! U-S-A!

]]> 0
Shakira Is Pregnant Thu, 20 Sep 2012 08:36:38 +0000 The Voice fat curse continues. Shakira has confirmed that she’s pregnant. This will be her and Gerard Pique’s first child.

“As some of you may know, Gerard and I are very happy awaiting the arrival of our first baby! At this time we have decided to give priority to this unique moment in our lives and postpone all the promotional activities planned over the next few days.

“This means I will not be able to be a part of the iHeartRadio Music Festival, but I’m sure this weekend in Las Vegas will be spectacular and I will be closely following everything that happens there!

“I’d like to thank Clear Channel and my fans for their constant love and understanding.

“Big kiss! And will see you very soon! Shakira.”

Great. This is just what I need. To watch another hot chick balloon up while on The Voice. You might as well just stomp on my erection while you’re at it.

]]> 0
Shakira Sex Tape Being Shopped Around Thu, 06 Sep 2012 17:26:28 +0000 Though reps for Shakira deny it, Spanish and Latin America have been reporting that a sex tape starring Shakira and Barcelona star defender Gerard Pique is being shopped around. Spanish mag Intervieu claims a Barcelona talent agent was offered the tape which was allegedly filmed by a former employee of Shakira who’s now using it to blackmail her. This rumor comes amidst new reports that her ex and former manager is suing her for $250 million.

“The video lasts about 15 minutes….it’s filmed with a cell phone, which I guess, belonged to Shakira’s employee who was at the helm of the boat that night. The images are not steady and it’s out of focus.”

Shakira is 5’2” and Gerard Pique is 6’4”. There’s a good chance the tape is out of focus because Gerard was spinning her like a top.

]]> 0
Shakira Attacked by Racist Sea Lion Tue, 14 Feb 2012 20:08:26 +0000 I apologize for that alarmist headline. I do not know if in fact the sea lion was racist. Although it could have been. I mean, did anyone see it NOT sieg heil?

Anyway, Shakira was almost killed by a sea lion while visiting Cape Town, South Africa. Okay, maybe not killed, but she was almost almost bitten by one of these soulless beasts.

Shakira and her brother were on a tour in Cape Town last Sunday afternoon when they spotted these gentle aquatic creatures (hence the name sea LIONS). They thought it’d be a good idea to get up close and take a picture. Because this is always the first thought that comes to mind when you see a wild animal.

“Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me,” she wrote on Facebook. “I was paralyzed by fear and couldn’t move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother ‘Super Tony’ jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast.”

Shakira believes the sea lion was confused by the shiny reflection of the Blackberry she used to take pictures. “It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it,” she said, adding that she and Tony suffered minor scratches on nearby rocks as they tried to escape. Sea lions have interacted well with humans throughout history, and attacks are rare and usually tied to territorial aggression. PEOPLE

Well, those two paragraphs could have been summed up to simply:

Sea Lion:  “COME AT ME, BRO!”
Shakira: “Ahhh!” *runs away* *falls on rocks*

]]> 1
Shakira Got a Haircut Fri, 09 Dec 2011 08:12:12 +0000 Shakira debuted her new short hair via Twitter on Tuesday. PEOPLE says she spent more than six hours inside Jordi Ripoll Salon in Barcelona to have it done. Which seems excessive for what’s basically some guy taking scissors and chopping your hair in half. I’ve seen open heart surgeries take less time than this.

]]> 3
Shakira Robbed in the Middle of Her Concert Thu, 14 Apr 2011 23:40:32 +0000 Shakira performed in Monterrey, Mexico earlier this week and as she walked through the crowd while singing, she shook hands with a fan who slipped a ring off her finger. The whole thing was captured on film and the guy still didn’t get caught. Probably because based on all the stereotypes of Mexico, it’s a lawless land where you can pay off cops to look the other way. The guards following her were probably in on it. I bet if Shakira said anything, her security would have punched her.

]]> 0