A day or so ago, news came out that Simon Cowell had an affair with X Factor co-judge Danii Minogue. An affair he didn’t go to great lengths to hide. It was also said he was sleeping around on his then fiancee with two other women. This was part of a story about how he got robbed by a one-night stand.

Anyway, Sharon Osbourne has some theories as to why Simon sleeps around so much. Actually, only one theory. On The Talk, she hypothesized, “I think he is a victim of small-penis syndrome.”

So there you have it. Sharon Osbourne says Simon Cowell has a small penis. Granted, that doesn’t change the fact that he bangs models in his hotel room every other day but at least it’s some consolation.

Megan Hauserman has filed suit against Sharon Osbourne for attacking her during a taping of a Charm School reunion show. Hauserman alleges Sharon punched and grabbed her by the hair and refused to let go and scratched her for good measure. The fight started when Megan called Ozzy brain dead.

The suit seeks damages for battery, negligence and infliction of emotional distress. So, pretty much the same stuff you’d list for a class action suit against reality tv. Also, it’s not like Megan’s not used to being degraded. She lives for this stuff. In addition to Rock of Love, she’s been in Beauty and the Geek, I Love Money and Trophy Wife. She’s like the ambulance chaser of the reality tv world. You could make a show about punching contestants in the face with different objects like a shovel or a concrete block and she’d probably apply.

Last month at the taping of Rock of Love: Charm School Reunion, Sharon Osbourne attacked cast member Megan Hauserman. On Sunday, VH1 aired the footage. Finally. “Real” drama.

You could tell that as soon as Megan walked on stage, tension started to build. The guy host asked if Megan was drunk, but Megan shrugged it off and rhetorically asked why she would be drunk, “It’s the afternoon.” I know, right? Get a life, dude, it’s not even 4 yet.

Anyway, the altercation began when Megan started talking about her dog having her “female purse” removed so she couldn’t procreate. Sharon retorted that Megan should have the same operation. Taking a bow, Sharon added “I do not think you should be allowed to breed, my dear. I figure one of you is enough for any country.” That firecracker Megan shot back, “The only thing you’ve managed to do as a ‘celebrity’ is watch your braindead husband’s career.”

That didn’t sit too well with Sharon so she picked up a glass of wine (?) by her chair and dumped it on Megan. Then she charged at her while security broke it up.

This was planned, right? It was pretty convenient having that drink there and all I saw was Sharon rushing Megan with no real fighting. She didn’t even smash the glass and use one of the broken off shards as a knife.

Still, scripted or not, it was pretty touching for Sharon to defend her husband like that. I asked Ozzy if he was as deeply moved as I was and he said, “Mmmdhglfffnfh whrrr.” Indeed.

A not so sexy catfight erupted Saturday at the Rock of Love: Charm School reunion taping. Contestant Megan Hauserman says host Sharon Osbourne ran across the stage, grabbed her hair and pulled and scratched at her after she said Sharon “was only famous for managing a brain dead rock star.” Security managed to break it up. Boo! Megan was sent to the hospital and called the LAPD. What a party pooper. The LAPD says Sharon is a suspect in a minor battery.

I know what you’re thinking. Of all places, Rock of Love? The cornerstone of elegance and grace? I’d understand if this happened at a taping of Inside the Actor’s Studio, but I expect more from you, Rock of Love. You are the glue that binds this country together.

And Sharon. Unbelievable. Words cannot describe my disappointment. When I read a report about you being in a physical altercation, there should be a major emphasis on eye gouging and throat punching.

[Image via Splash News]

Kelly Osbourne told Britain’s Grazia magazine that her mother, Sharon Osbourne, used to make her and her brother poop in a box which she would then wrap and send to journalists she was mad at. Judging by the hefty nature of Kelly, she must have unleashed 10 lbs. of shit as opposed to her usual 15 lbs of shit comprised of her singing / acting. Wouldn’t the mailman wonder why the package they have smells like ass? Oh, whatever, they’re Osbournes.

Kelly goes on to call Paris, Lindsay and Britney attention seekers (this girl is bright, really). She also tells us she won’t be hanging out with them wearing matching outfits just to get her picture in the papers. Oh yes, Christmas came early for everyone because who wants to see Kelly Osbourne flash her baby maker? Hey sicko, put your damn hand down.