Shauna Sand wore her daughter’s skirt to the pumpkin patch last week and then flashed her panties to the cameras. Her kids are probably used to her being an unapologetic fame whore by now. The only way Shauna could embarrass them is if she made a sex tape with a horse. And even then they’d be only slightly embarrassed.

If everything my mother did turned out to be sexually suggestive, I’d kill myself. Shauna Sand’s kid must whine, “Mooooom. Moooom! Stoooop! Moooom!,” at least twice every time she’s out in public with her. I bet she secretly lines her mom’s bras with superglue to make sure her fake tits didn’t fall out.

Dr. Frank Ryan was the plastic surgeon who molded a 100 pound ball of wax and silicone into the Heidi Montag you see today. Sadly, he passed away yesterday afternoon after he and his dog were in a car accident.

Ryan was driving down the Pacific Coast Highway at around 4:30 PM on Monday when his Jeep went over the side landing on rocks. Ryan was trapped inside and suffered from major head injuries. After firefighters tried lifting Ryan with a helicopter to no avail, he was pronounced dead at the scene. Ryan’s dog was found in the ocean seriously injured and taken to a local hospital.

Before the accident, Ryan tweeted, “After 25 years of driving by, I finally hiked to the top of the giant sand dune on the pch west of Malibu. Much harder than it looks! Whew!” His last tweet was, “Border collie jill surveying the view from atop the sand dune.” Ryan posted the picture below with his Tweet. Law enforcement tells us the dog was injured but survived.”

Among Ryan’s patients were Gene Simmons, Shauna Sand, Vince Neil and Adrianne Curry. Janice Dickinson, smelling an opportunity for publicity, released a statement through her rep saying “Janice is deeply, deeply anguished!  She is stunned and wants the world to know what a genius Dr. Ryan was.”

To celebrate Dr. Frank Ryan’s work the only way one can, here’s Shauna Sand at the beach yesterday. Ryan did amazing work transforming Shauna into a living wax figure. Suck it Madame Tussaud.

Shauna Sand went to Miami beach with her boyfriend, Alexandra Berardi, and her kids. She and her kids all wore big, ridiculous sun hats into the ocean. If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, she started making out with her boyfriend in the middle of the ocean. I’m surprised none of the kids threw up from the unsettling imagery. Their stomachs must be made of iron.

[Fame]

Remember when Shauna Sand wanted to sue, sue, sue Vivid Entertainment over the alleged stolen sex tape of her and her boyfriend? And remember how everyone looked at her sideways because they knew she was behind it? Well, it looks like Shauna has given up the charade.

Shauna was in the streets of LA over the weekend waving around a poster of the DVD cover trying to promote it. The day probably went like this: “Have you seen my sex tape?” “AHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I don’t even feel right calling that thing a nipple. That’d be an insult to nipples everywhere. But I’m not sure how else to describe it. Frankentits perhaps? It’s like her surgeon stole the nipples off a cadaver and stitched it onto her implants. Regular people probably have normal experiences during their breast enhancements. Shauna’s was probably filled with a lot of rusty tools scrounged from the trash and maniacal laughter.

What day is today? Thursday? Okay, just wanted to remember the day that I lost my eyesight. IDLYITW has a preview clip of Shauna’s sex tape where she walks around naked on a balcony. Might I say, it’s NSFW. You will see boobies. You will see a naked “woman”. Then, you will see darkness after you pass out and bang your head on your keyboard.

Oh wait, you want to see to more. Well..I can grant your wish. Download clips here and here. They are risque to say the least. Obviously, don’t download at work. Your co-workers don’t want to hear you chanting “MILF! MILF! MILF!” at your cubicle. You freak.

Vivid Entertainment acquired a hardcore sex tape featuring the plastic Shauna Sand and plan to release it October 19. Shauna admits she in fact made several sex tapes with her Miami boyfriend, but did not “sign off on this.” Obviously not too thrilled, she has summoned the power of her attorney.

However, Vivid founder Steven Hirsch isn’t too worried claiming they legally obtained the tape from a third party.

“We were approached by a third party, who brought us footage of Shauna having sex with her current boyfriend and we were immediately interested in acquiring it … We’re comfortable with our legal position in releasing this footage.”

If in fact this tape gets blocked and you really want to see it regardless of your stomach warning you not to, just watch someone have sex with a life size Barbie doll with big, fake Barbie breasts in ten-inch heels. It’ll be the exact same thing except the girl will be way hotter.

Update: Now with preview video here. Site is very NSFW and staring at her nipples may cause dizziness, vomiting and possibly blindness.

Lorenzo Lamas and the ridiculous Shauna Sand divorced in 2002. Now Star claims the reason he left her is because she was having sex with his then 18-year-old son A.J. behind his back.

“Shauna came on to A.J.,” a friend of Lorenzo’s tells Star in the July 20 issue, on sale today. “It was the ultimate betrayal. Lorenzo had no idea; he was in the dark about the whole thing.”

But Lorenzo is no longer in the dark, and the public will get a chance to see his reaction on a new reality show the Lamas family is currently filming for E! According to Lorenzo’s friend, the secret romance carried on for months before soap star filed for divorce in 2002.

“He thought Shauna was acting like a mom to A.J.,” the friend continues. “He had no clue that she was his son’s lover!”

I had nothing to do with this and it sounds like it happened 7 years ago, but I still feel like I have to take a shower to scrub the dirt off me. If you think about it, it’s almost like A.J. was kissing his dad’s penis. I don’t think he thought that one through. Plus, Shauna Sand is so plastic that he could have have f’d that Barbie doll he hides in his closet and it wouldn’t have been any different. Having sex with Shuana Sand is like lying on top of a bunch of jagged rocks. In fact, mountain climbers could make the argument that they’ve had sex with Shauna Sand too.

Shauna Sand and her franken-tits hit up Miami beach over the weekend. In fact, she decided to go topless despite laws prohibiting this. You could spray Windex in your eyes and have a more pleasant feeling. The silver lining in all this is that this is perfect for if you’ve been meaning to toughen up your gag reflex. I lasted almost two minutes before I threw myself out the window.

The surgeon that did her nipples should really think about going back to school. It looks like they lasered it off and then used Elmer’s glue to put it back on.

Topless NSFW photos in the gallery.

Wow. Even when fully clothed, Shauna Sand is offensive.

There are more important questions here than just “Why is Shauna Sand shopping for shoes virtually topless?” For example, where can I get those darling snakeskin boots behind her? Do you have them in my size? Can you check in the back? It’s ok, I don’t mind waiting.

Shauna Sand was walking down wherever with her daughters when she started telling the guy behind the camera how they have fond memories of the Playboy mansion. They do the Easter egg hunt every year and once had dinner with Hef!

A short while later, things got really awkward when Shauna asked her 9-year-old daughter if she wanted to do Playboy. To her credit, she said they’d revisit that question when she turned 18 which, according to the cameraman, was in a couple of years. Anyway, her daughter’s awesome sarcastic response to all this was, “Yea, a little girl on a magazine with stripper shoes and a bathing suit.”

Aww, snap. Where’d this kid get that wit from? There’s no way she could have inherited it. Shauna probably wanted to smack that sass right out of her and tell her that that Playboy spread she was mocking will pay for her state education.

When I think of what might have happened in Shauna Sand’s plastic surgeon’s office, I imagine her with sparkles in her eyes begging him to, “Make me beautiful, doc” and the doctor, turning around in his high-back leather chair to reveal a pair of crossed-eyes, goofily replying, “Will do!,” and hurriedly strapping her to a table and haphazardly jabbing her perfectly normal body with silicone-filled needles.