Sheryl Crow, who has apparently slowly transformed into a variant of Sarah Jessica Parker, was in Maui yesterday in a two piece. She looks good for 50 but way different than I remember her. Damn you, father time. Why are you such an asshat?

You guys hear about that Sheryl Crow? She adopted another son, Levi James. On her website today she wrote, “I have some exciting news to share with you guys. Wyatt has a new little brother.”

I wonder how the family dynamic works with two adopted sons. When is she going to tell them they’re adopted? I think it’d be funny if Wyatt always teased Levi about being adopted only to find out he’s adopted as well. They should make that into a Disney comedy and call it, “What the hell is wrong with your damn ovaries?!”

[Bauer]

Lance Armstrong’s ex, Sheryl Crow, voiced her disapproval of Lance and Ashley Olsen’s relationship. When she was asked for her thoughts on the matter,

“Sheryl rolled her eyes and said, ‘That’s pathetic. Ashley’s a kid.’ “

Lance is 36, Ashley is 21, Sheryl is 45. Um, shouldn’t Sheryl spend more time deciding between cremation or burial and less time judging Lance’s decision to bang a 21-year-old? You’d think with death quickly approaching she’d be focused on making the necessary arrangements.

Singer /song writer Sheryl Crow just announced on her website that she’s adopted a baby boy.

Hey Everybody,

I am so excited to share with you guys that I’ve adopted a little boy ..he was born 2 weeks ago.

His name is Wyatt (after my dad) Steven (after my little brother and Scooter) and we are enjoying some very private family time.

Just wanted you to be the first to know.

Lots of love,

Sheryl.

Unknown is where this baby boy came from. If I had to fathom a guess, it would be he was surreptitiously ripped from the plastic housing that bore an ominous “Mattel” sticker. Nevertheless, congrats go to the lucky Wyatt Steven who will no doubt be reared by Sheryl’s music. You’ll grow up to enjoy the company of a plethora of women. Sadly, they’ll all be 35 – 40 years old and you’ll be gay.

On a environmental tour of US college campuses, Sheryl Crow came up with a couple of idiotic ideas to help Mother Nature. The singer proposed people regulate the amount of toilet paper used during a visit to the bathroom.

“I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.”

After those two or three squares are used up, I guess we should just start wiping our asses with our hands or do what Sheryl Crow does and have our underwear mop up the rest. I’d love to see the reaction of the next guy she sleeps with. Until this crazy chick comes up with a useful idea, I’m just gonna do it the normal way. By unhooking the roll of toilet paper and scrubbing my butt with it like a loofah and then putting it back.

At a recent Sheryl Crow concert, John Mayer flustered Sheryl by coming out on stage in a bear suit. Sheryl recently returned the favor at a John Mayer concert by prancing around on stage in a bikini. Sheryl Crow is 40 something, but has the body of a 20 year old and that’s the only reason why this prank is acceptable. I don’t even know why this is considered a prank unless the idea was to give John Mayer an erection, in which case, congratulations Sheryl you failed to grasp the purpose of a practical joke.