Sienna Miller is pregnant and it’s surprisingly not Jude Law’s baby. Her family “had had it with Jude Law and his cheating and all the back and forth.” They broke it off for good back in February.

Now Sienna is with Tom Sturridge and she’s pregnant. Us Weekly reports she and her boyfriend are expecting a child but “don’t have plans right away to marry, if at all.” Friends say the age gap of four years doesn’t make a difference because “he’s mature and he’s a good guy.”

I have a feeling that people said that about Mel Gibson one point in his life. Before all the threatening to bury his girlfriend in the rose garden if she didn’t give him a blowjob before going to the hot tub comments.

For the umpteenth time, Jude Law and Sienna Miller have split up. Most likely recently as they were seen together in the summer and vacationing together after Christmas.

A friend tells PEOPLE, “It is mutual and amicable and they are still friends.” They added that it happened several weeks ago and that, “It was an entirely an end-of-the-relationship decision. It had run its course.”

Whatever. You know once Jude starts dating some other girl, Sienna is coming in and having an affair with him. Sienna likes being the other woman as much as Khloe Kardashian loves raw cookie dough.

Being a celebrity must be amazing. Half your life is spent lying on a gigantic yacht in the middle of the ocean while the other half is spent reading words off a piece of paper. The hardest part about all this is being photographed by paparazzi. Illustrating this disheartening fact is Jude Law and Sienna Miller.

Although you’ll be glad to know things aren’t always as perfect as they seem. For example, in this picture Jude and Sienna look happy as Jude gets frisky but then in this picture (the header pic) things take a turn for the worse when Sienna shows Jude how big my dong is.

Bad decisions. Jude Law and Sienna Miller are full of them. The latest being reported by OK! is that Jude and Sienna are getting engaged again.

“Sienna was always the one. And now she is back in his life he never wants to let her go again.

“Jude did some serious thinking over Christmas in Britain with his ex-wife Sadie [Frost] and the kids. And he realises just how important family life is to him.

“He needs a good woman to look after him. Sienna’s fed up of the single life and wants to be with Jude for good.”

The bad news is we’re going to have to put up with months and months of “Jude Law cheats on Sienna Miller!” headlines. The good news is that Sienna will be off the market and wives won’t have to lojack their husbands penises anymore.

Sienna Miller says she doesn’t go to the gym and she doesn’t keep a strict diet which is why she’s been getting a little doughy lately. But that could also be because of all that chocolate cake she’s been eating. She told OK!:

“I’m not a gym person. I used to be very sporty at school and I loved competitive sports, but it’s hard for me to go to a gym and just run.

“I get bored very easily, so I have to find things that are more interesting. I could do with being more toned. It’s small, but it’s not firm.”

“I think I’ve reached an age now where it’s time for me to start working out a bit. I can’t get away with it any more. I used to be able to get away with it.

“I was quite firm and quite tiny and as I hit 25, things started to change. Now I’m noticing more changes. You know, a top and bare legs at the back is not a pretty sight! I’m lazy and if I wear clothes, it’s hidden well.”

“I do [try and resist] and then I make a joke that I should just stick it on my bum because that’s where it’s going. But I will then eat the chocolate cake and then I have definite insecurities about my body. I’m small but I’m not firm any more.”

Sienna Miller is plain but her body used to be pretty awesome (NSFW evidence here and here). She should start working out and toning up. If not for herself, then for me. I mean, it’d be nice for Sienna to stop being so selfish and consider how her saggy flesh makes me feel.

Riding high off his box office Sherlock Holmes success, Jude Law and Sienna Miller hit up Barbados over the holidays to frolick on the beach and play with Jude’s three kids. Jude’s fourth is still somewhere in the US locked in a basement. I’m not even sure he remembers he had a fourth.

Last we left these two, Jude and Sienna broke up when Jude slept with the nanny and then Sienna started sleeping with married men to break-up their relationships. Now they’re back together and wives and wombs alike can rest easy.

Sienna Miller gets a bad rap. In a girl next door way, I actually think she’s sort of cute. If she’d stop sleeping with married men and breaking up their marriages, maybe everyone wouldn’t be so down on her. Just like I’d be considered a good guy if I stop moving out of state and changing my name every time a model I sleep with gets pregnant. My point is, why can’t people just let me and Sienna Miller be? Underneath the lies, treachery and deceit, we’re really nice people.

Rumors are flying (they aren’t. I’m making this sound more exciting than it really is) that Jude Law and Sienna Miller are back together again. They were celebrating Thanksgiving at Emporio in NYC where they got a private table, ordered pizza, a $350 bottle of wine and started making out. Turns out the private tables at Emporio aren’t actually private and that pizza is a wonderful aphrodisiac despite girls telling you otherwise.

“They had no problem flaunting their love right in the middle of the restaurant. They definitely looked like they were head-over-heels for each other.”

“They came in holding hands and kept touching each other and kissing throughout the entire meal,” says the insider. “They only had eyes for each other!”

The thought of them sticking their tongues into each other while pepperoni and tomato sauce fall out of their mouths is really sexy. I may have to go masturbate. Also, Sienna is probably pregnant now.

A “spy” spied Jude Law and Sienna Miller hanging out on Thursday night after their respective Broadway performances. Jude stars in Hamlet and Sienna stars in After Miss Julie. The two hit up The Box at 1 a.m. where they got a table with a few friends, got drunk, laughed, possibly whispered sweet nothings in each others ear and left together at 3:30 a.m. Naturally, we’ll jump to the conclusion that they’re hooking up again.

“Jude’s a regular at The Box and a lot of people know him there,” the source said. “So he had a ton of people coming up to say hi to him, many of them female, but he really only seemed interested in Sienna.”

So much so, in fact, that at one point he brought the actress to meet another group of friends, and led her through the crowded club by the hand.

“It looked like he wanted people to see that they were together,” the partygoer dished.

I’d hate to be Jude and have all these people swarming around me when I’m trying to get some chick drunk. That must be annoying. Having witnesses.

Good news: Sienna Miller finally found a guy who isn’t married. Not so great news: He calls himself Slinky Wizard. Sad news: This means he’s legally retarded. Better news: Sienna Miller is in a bikini. Even better news: Since he’s legally retarded, he might drown if he falls into the ocean leaving Sienna single and horny. Best news: She might let me have sex with her.

This story turned out to be quite the emotional roller coaster, didn’t it. I had to fan myself to keep from fainting while typing that. Thankfully it ended with the possibility of a celebrity sleeping with me as I think most stories should.

Here’s Sienna Miller vacationing with the still married, but separated Balthazar Getty. I like the way Sienna relaxes. A cigarette and drink in one hand, a book in the other and sitting semi-spread eagle in a bikini at a coffee table. Very classy. Celebrities have it good. Not like us. We do this one time at Starbucks and then we have to show up to court on the 15th.

Sienna Miller showed up at the Montblanc/UNICEF dinner in Hollywood and had a quickie with a “short, straggly haired gent” in the men’s bathroom. Because why wouldn’t she? Asking why she did that is like asking why the sky is blue or why rainbows are pretty or why she asked the guy to stuff her panties in her mouth.

You know you’re drunk when you walk out of a club and your eyes don’t even line up right. If Sienna Miller’s eyes were open, it’d probably look like they were trying to escape out the side of her face. The guy next to her probably didn’t mind being her leaning post though. 9 out of 10 date rapists agree. This is the perfect time to take a girl home.

[Image via Splash News]