Here’s everyone else at the 69th Annual Golden Globes from the despised Madonna to Kate Beckinsale and George Clooney and even Ben Kingsley’s hot piece, his fourth wife, who mounted him and who he made out with all night with.

While leaving Hyde nightclub at the Bellagio around 3 AM on New Year’s Day, a woman fell to the floor in clear view of Sofia Vergara. Sofia and her girlfriend, who had medical training, rushed over to check the woman’s pulse. The two waited by her side until security and medics arrived and took her to a hospital.

Oh, sure, when a woman collapses to the floor, it’s all, “Are you alright? Stay calm. Help is on the way,” but when I collapse to the floor, it’s all, “Stop trying to look up my dress. Security! SECURITY!” Double standards, I tell ya.

Sofia Vergara made an appearance on Extra! at the Grove on Tuesday. She looked great. Except for when she made that face. Then she looked retarded. Please don’t let that be her o-face.

Sofia Vergara is nearing 40 but she looks fantastic and her body is killer. Especially her 34DD’s. Everybody loves those. Except for maybe her jealous publicist who suggested she get a breast reduction so people would take her seriously. What the insanity?

Q: Was there a time you didn’t love how you looked?
A: Oh, of course! Not everybody’s confident their whole life. For a long time, I thought that my boobs were too big and I was, like, 14 years old, and I already had these huge boobs. I was very skinny also. And now that I’m almost 40—we always have our insecurities as women. We’re never happy!

Q: Can you remember the day you started realizing, “Wait a minute, I think I’ve got it going on!”
A: In Latin America we do learn to be more comfortable with our bodies. Women are not shy to be in a bathing suit, in a G-string. But I also did a TV commercial for Pepsi when I was 17 on the beach in a bathing suit. And after that, everybody was like, “Oh my god, that body.” And you know, you start to feel a little bit more confident if you have people thinking that you’re so fabulous! [Laughs]

Q: I guess it helps to have a cheerleading squad.
Of course, of course! When I moved to America, I was more voluptuous, and I felt a little different. And one time, years ago, I remember my publicist [at the time] told me, “I think you should just reduce your boobs because nobody’s going to take you seriously here.” My mother almost had a heart attack. She was like, “God is going to punish you! You can’t cut your boobs!” I don’t regret not doing it, because now it’s become a big part of Gloria. Health

Are you kidding? I almost had a heart attack too while reading this. Thankfully, they’re a now former publicist. But to be safe, she should tell everyone their name so we can shun them from Hollywood. Breast reduction? Why, if I had a white glove, I’d slap that publicist in their boob-ist face right now.

Sofia Vergara and Sarah Hyland of Modern Family tweeted a picture of themselves in bikinis. Well, Sarah Hyland was in a bikini, Sofia Vergara was in this flowy pool outfit. Pay attention, Community, this is how you win an Emmy. Or at least get nominated for one.

Sofia Vergara was at the One & Only Palmilla in Cabo with her boyfriend Nick Loeb and decided to have him take a picture of her in a little black bikini. And then she put the picture on the internet. Looks like someone has taken the Marketing: Boobs and Bikinis class at their local community college.

Here’s Sofia Vergara in Vanity Fair just in case you’ve forgotten how amazing this woman with a 19-year-old son looks. She’s bordering on 40 but makes Tara Reid look like a crack whore. Ha, who am I kidding. Richard Simmons could make Tara Reid look like a crack whore.

Sofia Vergara (Modern Family) did an interview in the new issue of Redbook where she talks about how hideous she was at 13 and how easy it is for her to alienate every woman in the world.

“I’ve had these ridiculously huge boobs since I was super young,” she reveals. “Like, 13. I was really skinny at that time, so it was weird to have those f–king boobs and be skinny. It was hideous.”

“Then after I had my kid, I got hips and everything started to come together,” she adds.

Skinny with big tits? Oh the horror, the horror! I think Sofia Vergara’s definition of hideous is a little different than our definition of hideous. Is this a cultural thing? Because, if so, I want to go to Colombia and bang a bunch of ugly chicks.

Take note, Jessica Simpson. This is Sofia Vergara actually getting out of a ticket by using her breasts. I hear her left one distracted the cop while the right one punched him in the face. It was pretty much like getting hit by Cupid’s arrow. Suffice to say, she was let off with a warning.

Sofia Vergara was on set to do another Diet Pepsi commercial in LA yesterday. In case you’re wondering, she’s still wearing the same swimsuit that pushes her breasts up to her chin. So naturally this will be the greatest commercial ever. By the time this spot finishes airing, guys will be lining up at the supermarket trying to stick their dorks in a can of Diet Pepsi.

Pepsi is taking a lot of flak for their new skinny diet Pepsi can campaign. An eating disorders group says they couldn’t care less about the shape of the can but take offense to Pepsi’s media campaign that celebrates skinny and suggests strong, confident women must also be skinny. Which is true. How many confident obese chicks have you seen. I mean, ones who haven’t given up on life and describe themselves as “all woman.”

Let’s be honest, no one wants to drink out of a fat, chode-shaped can. These guys should know drinking Pepsi is more a statement about who you are than what your soda preference is. People want to sip out of something skinny, elegant, sexy. Something that describes them and their lifestyle. Something that says, “I get mad pussy.” And this can is it!

Regardless, a bigger travesty is Pepsi’s new poster with Sofia Vergara. Can you believe they photoshopped her breasts to make them smaller? Why isn’t the eating disorders group talking about this? This is a way bigger issue. I don’t surf the web for brand adverts just to get cockblocked!

Speaking of breasts. Here’s Sofia Vergara at the SAG Awards. She’s way funnier, more talented and smarter than Kim Kardashian. Mostly due to her boobs. I base the intelligence of women on their breast size. The bigger they are the better they must be. I’m very sexist. If you don’t know, that means I judge women by how sexy they are.

Note: That guy behind her is taking a picture of the wrong side.

Was anyone else surprised that Sofia Vergara’s dress didn’t explode into a thousand pieces whenever she exhaled? Her dress must have been made of galvanized steel.