For whatever reason, Sophie Monk ended her engagement to her 50-year-old meal ticket a little while ago after a three month romance. She went on Sydney based 2DayFM to talk about the breakup saying, “I went too hard, too fast [ed. note: giggity], we both did… I don’t want to talk too much because I feel bad, he doesn’t have the microphone.” Oh and she also sleeps with her brother now.

She also said she had become closer to her brother since the split, and compared them to Angelina Jolie and her brother.
‘It’s hilarious, we’ve been watching movies in bed and fall asleep in the same bed and I think ‘this is very Angelina of us’.
‘No, he’s my best friend in the world,’ she said.

Sorry, that title was purposely misleading. I planned to make this a 12 paragraph story with 6 videos of Rebecca Black Friday parodies and only add that quote at the very bottom to see how long you’d read before giving up.

Sophie Monk and her 50-year-old meal ticket, French businessman Jimmy Esebag, were engaged six weeks ago. Now they’re not. Appearing on Chelsea Lately, Monk was asked about her recent engagement and broke the news.

Sophie shook her head, saying, “I’m newly single.” She even hinted that she might even “turn Samantha Ronson.”

No further explanation was given as to what went wrong but I’m pretty sure the word “prenup” had something to do with it.

Sophie Monk has an amazing body but it always looks like she has sort of a buttaface going on. I guess that doesn’t matter though because that’s why God invented plastic bags. Or was it paper bags? Oh, crap! I think it was paper bags. Excuse me. I have to check on that hooker in my room.

Sophie Monk is sad that her camel-toe is more famous than she is. Her camel-toe has been pointed out again in the tabloids, apparently. It was probably wearing a diamond studded outfit designed by Versace.

“I can’t believe it,” said Monk. “Another camel-toe! Everyone is going to think I have ginormous ***** because who gets more than one photo of camel-toe?

“I’ve got a small *****. I’m here trying so hard to work and all I get recognized for is my camel-toe. It’s more famous than me!”

Monk does have a disproportionately greater number of camel-toe pictures than any other celebrity. But, listen little lady. These claims of having a small vagina is just rumor and conjecture at this point. I’m going to have to see for myself. This isn’t me being perverted. This is me in the search of truth and justice. I’m like a modern day Atticus Finch.

Every girl out there should be worried because David Hasselhoff is apparently back on the prowl and no woman or man can resist his savoir-faire, stalker-like persistence or bad puns. His latest target is Sophie Monk. She’s doing a good job withstanding the charms of this silver-tongued devil, but sooner or later, she’s going to break. They all break.

Aussie actress Sophie Monk says David Hasselhoff has been bombarding her with calls since they met on the film Click. “I’ve been stalked by the Hoff,” she said, but called David a “sweetie-pie” for his support over a break-up.

She said: “He would say things like, let’s go get some ‘Hoff-ee’.” [Mirror]

That’s it. I’m turning gay. There’s no way I can compete with that.

I don’t want to point fingers, but I think these “candids” are a little disingenuous. How often does a photographer end up at the beach when Sophie Monk happens to be there sashaying around in a bikini? A little too often. I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I think these shots may have been… staged! Dun dun dun.

I still don’t know what Sophie Monk does for a living, just that people take pictures of her and she’s sometimes cute in them. Which is not a bad thing to be when you’re at the beach showing off your nipples for publicity. Having a nice rack doesn’t hurt either. In fact, it helps. A lot. Like, if fame-whoring was a foot race, having big tits would be like having bionic legs that could reach speeds of 80 mph. Pics NSFW by the way.

Sophie Monk hit the beach the other day to pose for some paparazzi pics. I never noticed this and it may just be the lipstick she’s wearing, but she looks like the Joker in most of these. I guess she distracts you with her body before shoving a pencil through your eye.

I’m positive Sophie Monk is famous for something other than being a sheath for Benji Madden’s penis. If not, then that’s too bad. I’d sooner be known for kicking babies than for having sex with Benji Madden. If you told me I’d make a million dollars if I had sex with him, I’d punch you in the face as soon as you said “Benji.”

So what if Sophie Monk can ride a bike. I can pee-pee standing up. Winner: Me!

If you’re into hot chicks in bikinis, then have I got a post for you. Here’s Sophie Monk in one all by herself. Now’s your chance to make your move. Don’t worry. I already asked and Sophie said she’s really into people reeking of desperation and devoid of any social grace. You’re golden. Heh heh heh.

Sophie Monk was at Malibu Beach the other day in a bikini. I’m sure she did some stuff involving a wet suit, but that’s meaningless because it’s not like you need an entire back story to whack off.

I wonder how many women at the gym know that when the bar falls on my chest while bench pressing 90 pounds, it’s not because I’m a klutz, it’s because I’m staring at them stretching for their workout. And that when I’m supposedly doubled over in pain, it’s to hide my growing erection. I hope not many because then people like Sophie Monk would stop walking around the gym in bra-less attire like this or worse, stop coming. Then it’ll be like 24 hr Fitness all over again. Total sausage-fest after the girls freaked out about the ventilation hole I drilled into their locker room.