Through every fault of his own, Spencer Pratt became the most hated D-lister in Hollywood. So much so that even his agent won’t return his calls. What is this warmth that fills my heart?

A source tells Us that Spencer still owes his agency “hundreds of thousands of dollars in commissions” from the millions he made and squandered during The Hills and they want nothing to do with him.

Says the source of Pratt who calls his agent up to 30 times a day, “They just laugh at him or pick up and hang up.” Bwahahaha.

This just goes to show that through the power of prayer, dreams sometimes do come true. This may be the most feel good story of the week. I hope Spencer is so penniless that he’s forced to catch and eat pigeons.

In an interview with The Daily Beast, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who now live at Spencer’s parents’ beach house in Santa Barbara because they are penniless, regret everything they’ve done in their made up lives. They make the very believable claim that they have no friends, no money and are largely unemployable.

They admit that everything about their lives was for show. From their fake breakups to their fake divorce. Oh and they sucked at money management.

“We never had any!” said Spencer in response to the money question. Meaning, it went out as quickly as it came in. Spencer estimated they spent $2 million on Heidi’s ill-fated pop-music career, hiring writers, producers, and engineers who worked with Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, and Lady Gaga. There were lots of clothes, too. “I probably spent a million dollars on suits and fancy clothes,” Spencer said. “My whole million-dollar wardrobe—I would never wear that again. They’re props. Everything we were doing, we were buying props. I bought a big blue monster truck just to drive it on The Hills for an episode. Never drove it again.”

The most interesting part of the interview is what Spencer says got him kicked off The Hills. Producers wanted him to punch her sister in the face for “That Snooki effect,” but Spencer refused and went ballistic saying, “You want me to punch my sister in the face? Are you trying to get me to kill you?” This is only interesting because I never thought there was a line Spencer would not cross.

Anyway, he’s now a burrito and taco eating douchebag in Santa Barbara who can’t even go out because people take pictures and make fun of him on Twitter. Hopefully it stays that way.

I didn’t keep track of how many times I sighed while reading this. I just know it was a lot. It wasn’t because of the fact that Heidi Montag threw away $2m on trying to start a music career despite lacking talent and charisma but because she even had $2m to throw away. She’d have gotten more use out of that money if she’d used it as kindling.

What’s even worse is she’s getting a second chance. “I spent $2 million on my music career, and it didn’t happen for me, and now I have this opportunity.” What idiot is giving her this opportunity? Why, none other than Deb Antney, mother of rapper Waka Flocka, who has agreed to take Heidi on as a client thanks in part to Spencer Pratt (who raps now!).

“Spencer is going into the studio with Waka Flocka Flame, and I requested that his mother Deb Antney meet with me and manage me, because she is just fabulous,” Montag said.

“I need her to guide me in the right direction and I know amazing things will happen because she really knows what she is doing,” Montag said.

“I’ve never been able to be the true Heidi, and now that I am not working on The Hills, I can really focus on this.”

“While Spencer is working with Waka Flocka, I’m going to do some tracks with Eric Nolan Grant,” Montag said, excited to have the opportunity to work with the jazz singer.

“We are meeting in the studio on February 21st through February 24th, and I am so excited.

Full disclosure: I don’t know who any of these people are. When they mentioned Heidi and then Spencer, my eyes rolled into the back of my head. In fact, my eyeballs are still back there right now staring into a glorious world where Spencer and Heidi don’t exist. Is this heaven?

Heidi Montag will no longer be looking to divorce Spencer Pratt because their fake divorce publicity plot has finally come to a close. The story is the two reunited in Costa Rica where they met to discuss the sex tape scandal. Realizing that everyone thinks they’re both vacuous douchebags, they figured it was best to stay together. Up next for the couple is a fake death stunt I have planned for them that they don’t know about and which will go horribly wrong. I hope the cops aren’t reading this.

Spencer Pratt took to the YouTubes to upload a video of himself shaving his “flesh-colored beard.”

The video starts off with Spencer calling himself an astronaut. He then introduces an assistant who’ll be shaving his beard with a big hunting knife. Mr. Attention Whore says companies like Edge and Gilette don’t want to sponsor the video because he’s “off brand” which is a nice way of saying he’s “total douchebag that no one likes.”

The video ends with his assistant covered in fake blood while a clean shaven Spencer lies dead on the floor. I love happy endings!

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag’s divorce may have been just for show. Shocking, I know. Pratt says his detainment in Costa Rica for “accidentally” bringing a 9MM and 45MM handgun and ammo on a flight has brought him closer to Heidi.

Montag stood by him during what he called the “wildest day ever of either of our lives” and sparked hope that she might drop her divorce filing, Pratt said Monday.

“It was clear we’re soulmates. I don’t see any reason we can’t get back on track,” he said in Los Angeles after Saturday’s incident.

Police in San Jose, Costa Rica, said the couple were briefly detained at the airport for illegal arms possession after security officers found two unloaded handguns in their luggage. Pratt and Montag hadn’t declared the weapons and lacked permits to have them in Costa Rica, police said.

She indicated Monday she might have a change of heart.

“As far as I’m concerned the last thing in the world after everything we have just been through is to go through with this divorce,” Montag said in a text message. “But we are just taking life second by second.”

So these two fame whores divorcing could have all been a scam to get people to pay attention to them. What? Not my Speidi! They wouldn’t do that. These are two of the most fine, upstanding and respectable people I’ve ever.. bwahahahaha. Sorry, I… I just couldn’t finish that with a straight face.

Spencer Pratt returned from a “spiritual cleansing” in Coast Rica last week which he says involves living off the land by hunting but is really staying in a crappy motel and crying into his pillow. Anyway, before making it on his flight, he was arrested at the airport for bringing a hunting weapons. TMZ says he was booked, processed and released after turning over his weapons and signing a confession with the DA. Granted, this may be all lies because Spencer is a douchebag attention whore. In a statement sent to TMZ,

“As part of my spiritual cleansing I’ve spent the last week living alone in the jungle, reflecting on my past transgressions, and working to become a better person. I had to live off the land, and hunt to survive. As I departed the country this morning to continue my spiritual journey, I mistakenly brought my hunting weapons to the airport. It was an honest mistake, and they sent me on my way. On an unrelated note, I’m not allowed in the country anymore — but that’s because of the chicken incident.”

Because I’m good at jumping to conclusions, Spencer probably had sex with a chicken and is no longer allowed in Costa Rica. Hopefully the 10 kilos of coke I planted in his car means he can’t get back into the US either.

Heidi Montag has “pulled the kill switch” on negotiations with Vivid to release her sex tape. Sources say Spencer’s rep told Steven Hirsch of Vivid, “Heidi’s made it very clear that she is not interested in releasing any tapes. Spencer’s not interested in further destroying their relationship by pursuing an avenue she’s so vehemently against.”

Spencer’s rep also said negotiations reached the $5 million mark but that wasn’t enough to convince Heidi to release the tape. Heidi said she’d bring the legal team if Spencer kept pushing the issue.

Holy crap! Heidi Montag has… dignity? And no one can put a price on it? Whaaaaa?

Good news and bad news. Good news: The Heidi Montag sex tape that Spencer Pratt is shopping around might not feature him at all. Bad news: It will still feature two attention whores who you couldn’t care less about.

According to TMZ, Heidi Montag and Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon filmed a lesbian sex tape together.

We’re told not too long ago Spencer was at the Malibu house he once shared with Heidi … moving out some of his stuff. Sources tell us Spencer came upon a camera with XXX video of Heidi and Karissa — and the light bulb went off.

Sources say it was then that Spencer decided he could make a fortune selling his “library” to Vivid Entertainment — much of it featuring naked, fornicating Speidi.

Karissa confirmed the tapes existence but released the usual statement. That she doesn’t think Spencer has it and that she’ll sue if the tape is ever released. Of course by “sue”, Karissa means she’ll do the happy dance while her eyes ring up dollar signs. The only way Karissa won’t allow the release of the tape is if she does something real embarrassing on it. Like have a threesome with Spencer Pratt. I’d run special ops and burn every single copy of the tape and kill all witnesses if that were the case.

Celebrity douchebag Spencer Pratt is shopping around a sex tape of him and his ex, Heidi Montag. Naturally, Vivid Entertainment has already been contacted. TMZ isn’t sure whether this is post-op or pre-op Heidi. Zing!

Vivid honcho Steven Hirsch tells us, “I just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag.”

He continues, “We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal.”

Spencer has told a friend that the alleged tape “makes Kim Kardashian look like an amateur.”

First of all, do not want. Just wanted to get that out of the way. Second of all, in Kim’s defense, she was an amateur so it’s really not that hard to make her look like one. Third of all, if Spencer thinks anyone wants to see him run his fleshy beard all over Heidi’s plastic body, he’s mistaken. Watching a Spencer and Heidi sex tape is like watching an unshaven bum bang a mannequin.

On Friday, Spencer Pratt was served with divorce papers. Real ones. Not the ones that MTV drew up and leaked to the media.

Shortly after, Spencer told PEOPLE that his entire marriage to Heidi was fake. A plan concocted “as part of The Hills world. And a world is on a sound stage.” I’m not sure Spencer knows what the last part means but it sounded nice in his head.

Spencer then went on to explain in the third person, “It’s clear that reality TV-fame-loving Spencer Pratt does not fit with my ex-wife Heidi Montag’s ambitions for a motion picture actor/pop star career and being a single sex symbol for the world.”

It’s not clear if at this point whether the writer at PEOPLE laughed in his face or walked away to another room to laugh at him.

Spencer Pratt was banned from the finale party for The Hills at the Roosevelt Hotel last night so he did what any rational D-lister would. He glued a bunch of pubes to his face and tried to crash the party. It didn’t work. Organizers kicked his mountain man ass out.

“I wasn’t invited to that party, so I’m having my own party with the people on the Hollywood Walk of Stars!” Pratt, 26, explained to gossip blogger Perez Hilton on camera.

He added, “I spend a lot of time being hated and I feel like I want a little closure.”

What did him in was probably him tweeting his plan. The Roosevelt canceled his room when they found out. “FYI Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel just cancelled all my rooms and said that they overbooked the hotel!” he tweeted Tuesday morning. “NEVER QUIT NEVER DIE! ha CAN’T STOP ME.”

Spencer also supposedly tried crashing the premiere of Inception. That didn’t work either as security escorted him away.

These two stories would have been a lot better had “escorted out by security” been followed with “and beaten mercilessly with metal bats” and ended with “is now in a coma.”

Spencer Pratt tweeted on Father’s Day: “This is the day my earth dad wishes he had worn a condom. No joke.” No, really. When Spencer wrote, “no joke,” he meant, “no joke.” His parents removed all his pictures from their home because he was such a big douchebag. Not only that, Heidi Montag swears she’s really divorcing Spencer. Hopefully this is all true because then there will no longer exist a Spencer Pratt gene pool to pollute society with.