The 2012 edition of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar is just an excuse to look at a different model in a bikini every month. But no one ever does that. January to December lasts about 12 seconds before the calendar gets chucked into the corner of the bathroom. Anyway, tits!

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition models all headed to LAX in the Luxor at Vegas to celebrate the 2010 issue. This included Irina Shayk, Chrissy Teigan, Jessica Gomes, Shannon Click, Isabel Goulart, Brooklyn Decker, Julie Henderson, Jessica White and the hidden cameras I put in their hotel rooms. I’ve never seen so many models in one place! Unless you count my bedroom as a place. Which I don’t. It’s more of an experience.

Booblyn Decker, I mean, Brooklyn Decker also got a spread in the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It was boobtastic, I mean, fantastic. Boobs!

Behold! The crowning achievement of mankind. Tricking attractive, young women into modeling for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, a magazine dedicated to pictures of attractive, young women wearing only bikinis. Not only that, but to these models, being asked to pose in this issue is an honor. So here’s the gullible Irina Shayk in the 2011 edition of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

Irina Shayk, who’s dating Cristiano Ronaldo, was revealed to be the cover model for the 2011 edition of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. The announcement was made on Letterman yesterday when 10 models read the top 10 list and helped unveil a huge billboard of the cover.

The identity of the cover model was supposed to be a secret until 12:00 AM when Letterman announced it but someone saw it from her office window when they took the cover off for a few minutes to tape a segment for the show.

All in all, a solid choice for the 2011 Swimsuit edition of  Sports Illustrated. Everything seems to be in the right place (read: boobies! boobies! ) but next time they should maybe take it in a sexier direction (read: let’s get her naked).

Sure. When Brooklyn Decker gets the cover of a magazine, everyone comes over to fawn over her and celebrate. When I get the cover of a magazine, no one even calls to tell me that it’s too far for them to make it to the conference room of the Ramada Inn. It’s like people care more about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition than they do about Kittens Weekly, my bi-annual publication about the adventures of Mr. Sparkles, who technically isn’t a kitten anymore, but whatever. People are such jerks.

After 5 years of modeling for Sports Illustrated, Brooklyn Decker, 22, finally made it to the cover of the swimsuit edition. She says “It’s shocking and a dream come true” and that she’s nervous about the publicity that comes with it. Before appearing on The Late Show with David Letterman, Decker said, “I’ve never been on one! I’m kind of freaking out. I’ve done news shows, but I’ve never done a big talk show.”

To help calm her nerves, we should give her a mild sedative and then take her to my place. To rest. Also, we should surprise her with this sedative. You know, to make sure she doesn’t see it coming. I don’t want to bore you with the scientific details about why this method is best. Just trust me on this one.

Asked if her husband Andy Roddick would be jealous that everyone is going to be whacking it to her real soon, Decker responded: “No. He’s so proud. I think this gives him a one-up in the locker room for the next year or so.”

I hope by “one-up” she doesn’t mean erection. Because that could get real awkward in the locker room.

Just in case you were wondering, which you probably weren’t, but I’ll be in Japan for a couple of weeks fighting crime (they call me the Batman of Japan and pay me in Ramen). For you, not much will change except for Jessica posting more along with me and me being a little late with the Halloween outfits.

Funny note. When I landed, Robert Pattinson was walking through the terminal and apparently Japanese girls scream and giggle at him just the same as me American girls.

Anyway, I meant to post these Sports Illustrated Explorers scans last week but was busy. So here you go. Sorry to have ruined your weekend, jerk.

A few more behind the scenes shots of the making of a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue were put up on Twitter today. This time of Hilary Rhoda. A sexy girl with an unfortunate name since it reminds me of Hillary Rodham Clinton. She might as well be called boner killer.

Sports Illustrated Twitter dude posted these photos of Bar Refaeli shooting the 2010 Swimsuit Edition of SI. They’re pretty awesome. It’s ridiculous when you realize DiCaprio broke up with her and isn’t in his room crying into the arms of his stuffed animals. He’s already out patrolling for more pussy.

Also ridiculous is that being photographed in exotic locales and beaches is considered work for Bar. Sure, supermodels always insist that it’s a lot harder than you think it is but realize that they never mention how they’d love to trade jobs with you so they can live your miserable life.

Look! It’s Danica Patrick doing a bikini shoot in Sports Illustrated. She races cars. Vroom vroom. Wheee!

We did it, Bar!  After months of hard work, we made the cover of Sports Illustrated. What’s say you and I celebrate our victory with drinks at my place. Say around 8 o’clock? Washing your hair? Alright. A girl can’t have smelly hair, I guess. How about 9? Laundry? I get it. Gotta look good when you come over. 10 o’clock then. Oh, ok. Need to make a call first? No problemo. Hey, don’t numbers usually have more than three digits? Hmm. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to avoid me.

More after the jump.

The best job in the world is one where you get to touch naked chicks without having to pay them first. In fact, they’d pay YOU to do it. For a long time, I thought this was merely a passing fantasy, something men daydream about while staring at pie charts and graphs. But, It seems such a job does exist and it’s called a Sports Illustrated swimsuit makeup artist. The only catch is you have to pretend you’re gay.

In the Paint: The Complete Body-Painting Collection from the SI Swimsuit Issue,” author Rick Reilly relates that during one session, an artist named Richard, who applies makeup to breasts and butts, worked on 19-year-old hottie Melissa Keller. She coyly asked him, “Uh, maybe this is a little late to ask, but you’re gay, right?” As Reilly tells it: “Richard’s eyebrows slide up his face and he squeals, ‘Oh, please, girl! My boyfriend is going to be p – - – - d’ [because he's touching a woman]. Later I’ll say [to Richard], ‘You’re not gay, right?’ He shrugs and whispers, ‘Nah, I’m straight. But from here on in it’s gay all day, OK?’ “

If I got to paint Heidi Klum’s tits, I’d be so happy I’d pretend to be flaming gay. Granted, I wouldn’t know what I would be doing so Heidi would end up with two handprints on her breasts, but I’d just tell her this is how gay people kid around. Also, gay people greet SI swimsuit models with french kisses. It’s tradition, baby.