One time I thought I saw Fergie on the beach in a two-piece. “Don’t be a hero,” I warned myself. Alas, I knew I was the only one who could help. As I quietly and steadily inched closer to her like a cat stalking its prey, I realized, to my relief, it was just a really ugly dude so I put down the stake I was about to drive through her heart and returned to sipping my piña colada as handmaidens massaged my feet.

Pictures snapped of Fergie leaving a sushi restaurant have sparked rumors of her womb possibly giving way to a demon spawn. It could be yet another Pop Fiction prank or it could be a sign of the apocalypse. Who would impregnate this leprechaun? Is it worth it just to find a pot of gold? Gold which may or may not be completely made of mouth-watering milk chocolate?

Fergie is hit and miss when it comes to sexiness. Sometimes, she looks so glamorous (ha ha! get it? the name of her hit single). Other times, I’m thinking back to Hillary Swank in “Boy’s Don’t Cry”. Sex with her could be quite the adventure. Just look at those ham-sized hands. She would force you to bend over and then repeatedly donkey punch you and all you could do is whimper. When you try to complain, she would just sing: “It’s time to be a big girl now/And big girls don’t cry”. - CS

Fergie arrived at the LA international airport yesterday and, while stepping out of her car, showed the world her panties. Thank God she was wearing panties. If she wasn’t, this would have been a different story. One involving lots of crying and punching of my monitor and screaming, “Why God? Why!” My knuckles would probably be bloodied from trying to give myself short-term memory loss.

Err, I mean. Fergie upskirt. Cool! Please share in my excitement.

Josh Duhamel tells Glamour that his girlfriend Fergie has installed a stripper pole in their home, but won’t get on it until she learns how to use it correctly. Hint to Fergie. Run at it really fast, face first. Repeat. Josh also says he’d have a hard time hooking up with her when he was younger because she’s so beautiful.

“She would have been too hot for me in high school. I would have been intimidated by her.”

At this point, everyone knows Fergie isn’t attractive at all. I’m amazed Josh isn’t laughed out of interviews when he says these things. You could show people a picture of Fergie and another of an ass with hemorrhoids and tell them to pick out the singer. 3 out of 4 times they’re gonna point to the inflamed ass.

Here’s Fergie working out. A lot of you want to know how she stays a lean mean fighting machine so here you go. As you can see, she has lightning on her shirt because it makes her run faster. Just like when you put lightning decals on your car you gain an extra 10 horsepower. I also hear if you put a body kit on it you’ll gain an extra 80 horsepower due to aerodynamics. That’s basically Fergie. An ugly car people laugh at.

What’s with that ridiculous Batman utility belt with the drinks?

…Retard.

Speaking of lesbians, Fergie has confessed to experimenting with drugs and sex during her early years as a way of rebelling against her parents and her Catholic upbringing.

“I have had lesbian experiences in the past. But I started having sex quite late on – after I was 18. I was raised a good Catholic girl. I won’t say how many men I have slept with, although it’s not many, but I am a very sexual person.”

Fergie was also addicted to crystal meth, but denies ever selling her body for drugs. Which is believable because the most she’d get out of that ordeal would be a couple of Centrum Vitamins. Maybe even some Tylenol if she puts a paper bag over her head.

Fergie was banned from boarding a flight because she was considered too drunk. She was scheduled to fly from LA to the UK with the rest of the Black Eyed Peas, but she could not stand on her own.

“When she was prevented from boarding she couldn’t believe it. She was drunkenly ranting at staff but could barely string a sentence together. It was very embarrassing.”

A drunk Fergie is the worst. She won’t take no for an answer. I still have flashbacks to that one day. I…I don’t want to talk about it.

Ok, so he’s not really. He’s helping her with a wedgie. To be fair, her body isn’t bad at all. The face could use some work. Err, a lot of work. They might as well replace the thing. Why even have a Porsche when it looks like a band of monkeys attacked it with feces?

Anyway, while they were relaxing, someone asked Josh why Fergie wasn’t on a leash. Josh got pretty pissed. He answered, “Hey asshole. I lost it on my way over here. God damnit, why is everybody on my case today?”

More pictures of Fergie after the jump.

That’s Mandy Moore by the way.

• Ellen and Portia want a baby. [MollyGood]
• Joss Whedon is off Wonderwoman. [Pajiba]
• Will Smith is Barack Obama. [Celebitchy]
• Monica Belluci in Vanity Fair. [Bastardly]
• Mandy Moore lost it after Wilmer. [CityRag]
• Fergie likes wearing men’s underpants. [Yeeeah!]
• Ellen does W. [Celebrity Smack]
• House is awesome. Everyone agrees. [Evil Beet]
• Bud Bundy files for divorce. B-Rad! [Glitterati]
• Joaquin Phoenix wants peace. [ASL]
• Jim Carrey will never marry. [ICYDK]
• Fergalicious? [Popsugar]
• Jared Leto wants an apology. [IDLYITW]
• Avril Lavigne still punk. [Egotastic]

• Charlize Theron sued by Swiss watchmaker. [ICYDK]
• Adrianne Curry blasts America’s Next Top Model. [Celebrity Smack]
• Bam Margera is married. [Celebitchy]
• Everybody hates Tyra. [Evil Beet]
• The tearjerkiest moments of the last 20 years. [Pajiba]
• Jason Priestly is expecting. [Glitterati]
• Stacy Keibler at a Super Bowl afterparty. [Bastardly]
• NASA’s worst nightmare. An astronaut love triangle. [ASL]
• Heather Grahm makes out with chicks. [Yeeeah!]
• Nicole Richie looks normal. [The Skinny Website]
• Fergie was tucked. [IDLYITW]
• Drew Barrymore tunes out. [Just Jared]
• Sienna Miller makes out with model. [The Bosh]
• Jamie Burke gets around. [Dlisted]
• Jessica Biel has huge lips. [Derek Hail]

If this was a birthday card, it would read: “Surprise! Your friends hate you.” You know what? I’m gonna call Hallmark right now.

By the way, congratulations to the airbrush guy on a job well done.