No one knows why, but Paris Hilton is in Utah for Sundance and she’s being every bit as undignified as you’d imagine she’d be. Pop Tarts reports that in Park City on Sunday night, Sting was celebrating his film, Crude, at the Self/MSN party. Of course, Paris was there to grind on Sting in front of his wife, Trudie Styler.

Apparently the photographers intentionally refrained from snapping the twosome to stop rumors from running rampant, although Sting’s wife of almost 18 years, Trudie Styler, was present at the party and laughed the promiscuous performance off as “a bit of good fun.”

The debauchery didn’t stop there though. Another source told NYDN that Paris was also grinding MySpace CEO Chris DeWolfe at Tao at the Sundance Lift.

A source told the New York Daily News newspaper: “They were grinding each other on the dance floor forever, before lying together on a banquette. Then the couple began sucking face hard. They left out the back door, with her hand in his pants pocket.”

Although a MySpace spokesperson refused to comment on the story, an insider at the social networking website said: “This is what happens when altitude affects your brain. They’re just having fun.”

If you didn’t know, this is what whores do for a mating dance. While birds spread their plumage, talentless D-listers dry hump wealthy men on the dance floor. As you can see, a second grade education and loose morals can only take you so far. Like, up to your 30′s. Anytime after that, the “I’m easy” act will just be pathetic and finding a man will be much harder. Paris doesn’t have much time.

Over the weekend, Sting was on his rented $35,000 a day yacht in Sydney harbor sucking the toes off his wife Trudie. I’ll never understand why people are into this. They’re feet. You can clean them and scrub them, but at the end of the day they’re still feet. They sweat in your socks and some of them even have toe jam. You could get the same effect sucking on the ground underneath your refrigerator or licking the crevice between Rosie O’Donnell’s second and third chin.

Sting and his wife Trudie Styler have often discussed their “amazing” sex life and how they keep it interesting with tantric sex, swinger’s parties and strip clubs. Today, the two have opened the doors to their $24 million Manhattan apartment to let everyone see their den of iniquity and the Daily Mail has the pictures.

The centrepiece of the 18-room apartment overlooking Central Park is an extraordinary scarlet bedroom embroidered in gold and dominated by two explicit Helmut Newton prints.

In one, an unidentified woman lays virtually naked, with her legs spread in the back of a vintage Mercedes as a man leans over from the front seat to unzip one of her spike-heeled boots.

The other image, above the bed head, shows the lower half of another female wearing just stockings, suspenders and high heels.

…And under the bed holds enough space for a weeks worth of Depends. Baby wipes have replaced the toilet paper in the bathroom and a slip guard has been installed in the bathtub.

But, seriously. This is disturbing. Granted, if you enjoy imagining the sound of loose pieces of flesh on two old people slapping against each other while they have sex, then this story must be heaven. For everyone else, proceed to the nearest sink, look under it to find the bleach and begin chugging.

I’ll be catching a plane later today so you might not see any news. I know I’ll be missed, but don’t worry. Just remember this. We Are! Mar-shall! Happy Holidays.

1. Britney Spears is trashy. Annoyingly so. [Celebitchy]
2. Lindsay Lohan narrowly avoided another vagina mishap. [Celebrity Smack]
3. We Are Marshall attempts the usual inspired by actual events sappiness in order to draw attention away from the fact your wallet is being raped. Hard. [Pajiba]
4. Elton John and Sting snuggle. [CityRag]
5. Lara Flynn Boyle married and not to Jack Nicholson. [Yeeeah!]
6. P. Diddy was allowed to breed. [Glitterati]
7. K-Fed is aiming for the lower echelons and will wrestle. [The Evil Beet]