A while back, photos were taken of Suri Cruise with a box of penis gummies in her hand. Presumably because the package promised fruity flavored penis gummies. Who wouldn’t want some? Anyway, a few people wondered why Katie Holmes would be giving her kid R. Kelly training candy at such a young age. Katie went on Ellen to explain. In an episode airing Friday, she said:

“Recently, I took [Suri] to get ice cream in New York at this place called Serendipity that we go to all the time. It’s for kids. The clientele is children,” explains the actress, who plays Jackie Kennedy in the new ReelzChannel miniseries The Kennedys. “We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.”

Continued Holmes sheepishly: “P-e-n-i-s gummies. I said, oh wow those aren’t Swedish fish. . . They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it.”

Holmes spotted the controversy immediately. “She was holding the box and I was like ‘OK, wow we don’t need that right now.’ Because I thought if I said ‘Put that back,’ and then she’s going to say, ‘What is this?’ And I really didn’t want to have that conversation.”

The Dawson’s Creek alum was upset that Serendipity was even selling such a raunchy treat. “I was like, why are selling these here? This is for kids. And then it was on the cover of a magazine that I’m giving her those gummies!”

“I was like, ‘Oh my god, no.’ We put them back.”

Tom Cruise later went back and bought a few and stuffed as many penises in his mouth as he could. “Uggmmmmgloarg,” he moaned in ecstasy. Afterward, he opened a box and ate some gummies to cool off. Easy Tom Cruise joke done.

Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt grace the cover of Star magazine this week and it’s basically a comparison between the two which concludes that Suri is a girly girl and Shiloh is a sociopath.

At just four years old, both Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt are already living like Hollywood royalty. But for the little princess and the rough and tumble tomboy, life couldn’t be more different! One plays with diamonds, the other, with dead animals. And who would know better about their polar opposite lives than the people who care for them?

In the Nov. 29 issue of Star, on sale now, insiders from the Cruise and Brangie camps reveal the most intimate and shocking secrets of Suri and Shiloh’s totally different lives.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter Suri “never hears the word ‘no,’ from a nanny or anyone else,” a source explains. Whether it’s a priceless diamond tiara or cupcakes at midnight, spoiled Suri’s wish is her overworked staff’s command!

But taking care of tomboy Shiloh, the daughter of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, presents a different set of challenges. Though she’s a sweet girl with a heart of gold, Shiloh has a serious mischievous streak that often gets the better of her. As we report in this week’s issue, the wild child collects dead animals, plays childish pranks on unsuspecting nannies and cuts the heads of sister Zahara’s dolls! “She was playing cowboys and Indians once and she said she had to scalp them,” an insider reveals. “Brad made her apologize.”

I’m sure it didn’t help that they used a picture of a goblin in a helmet for Shiloh either.

Suri Cruise was spotted Monday rocking a pair of stylish high heel shoes while shopping in Boston. It would have been the picture of perfection had her haggard, brain-washed mother not joined her for the festivities. And by perfection, I’m referring to the perfect example Suri is setting for young strippers in the making across the world. Suri paired her fancy kicks with a three-tiered ruffle skirt and pink shirt. Congratulations, three-year-old, you’re well on your way to being the woman your father always wished he could be.

[Us, Daily Mail]

The space alien known as Suri Cruise celebrated her third birthday on Thursday afternoon. The princess-themed party featured a cake of Belle from Beauty and the Beast and a treasure hunt.

“They just wanted to keep it small and make it fun for Suri and her friends,” says a source.

No word on whether or not the treasure for the treasure hunt was a coupon for a free consult at the Scientology center. A baby can only be so lucky. Also, no word on if a treasure hunt can even be considered fun if the only one hunting was a friendless Suri.

P.S. Being sick sucks.

Egads, way to ruin another fantasy of mine, Reality. Katie Holmes had a herpes outbreak the other day in NYC and Suri seemed to be at a loss for words. In this photo it looks like she’s mouthing, “Awk-ward.”

In what many are calling Forbes.com’s creepiest article this year, the money-centric site has named Suri Cruise the hottest among their second annual list of “Hollywood’s 10 Hottest Tots.”

“Though not quite the tabloid stars his sisters Zahara and Shiloh are, his recognizable mug and A-list parents give him space in the top five,” said Forbes.com of Pax.

Rounding out the top 10: Sam Alexis Woods, daughter of Tiger Woods and his wife, Elin; Cruz Beckham, son of David and Victoria Beckham; Matilda Rose Ledger, daughter of Michelle Williams and the late Heath Ledger; David Banda, son of Madonna and Guy Ritchie; Sean Preston Federline, son of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline; and Sam Sheen, daughter of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen.

Forbes may tell you they based their rankings on “media attention and their parents’ popularity” but don’t be fooled, this list was most likely determined with a majority vote by people very familiar with Megan’s Law and who cower in fear at the mere mention of “Chris Hansen.”

[Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise go to the Metropolitan Museum in New York City. Image via Splash News]

Suri Cruise lives with very few rules because based on the teachings of Scientology, Tom believes she’s already lived for billions of years and knows everything. That’s not to say she is without boundaries.

She has to go to bed by 11 p.m., she can’t watch television, when she’s able to surf the web, she’ll have limited access due to anti-Scientology websites, she can’t eat McDonalds, she must obey an organic diet with boiled barley juice and “her health is maintained not with medicine, but by herbs.” She is also not allowed to have non-Scientologist friends.

With a normal childhood being ripped from her day by day, it’ll be a given that when she finally escapes the death grip of the cultish religion, she’ll have an abundance of repressed sexual feelings. This is why I’ve given 100:1 odds that she’ll either go into porn or have a sex tape before she reaches 20 years of age. What a little slut.

At a Glamour magazine event for V-Day’s 10th anniversary, Katie Holmes praised her daughter Suri calling her a very strong woman and admits to being taught a lot by her.

“She’s a very strong woman. She’s actually teaching me a lot – probably more than I’m teaching her. She’s very smart and strong,” Holmes concluded. “And really magical.”

Who calls their baby a very strong woman? That’s weird. Picture Katie saying this to visiting friends. They’re at the dinner table while Katie goes into this whole spiel about how their daughter is a “very strong woman” and how they’ll make her wear dress suits when she’s older. Maybe give her a little briefcase for kindergarten. All the while Suri is giggling on the ground, pooping in her pants and eating a Jolly Rancher that got stuck in the carpet. The friend will take one confused look at Suri, turn to her other friend and twirl her finger around her ear to do that “this person is crazy” sign.

Tom Cruise’s wacky religion has developed its own way of doing most everything. Including how to feed babies. Take, for example, Suri Cruise, Tom Cruise’s hybrid offspring, who was “fed a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup which Hubbard advocated instead of formula and breast milk.”

Scientology. The religion of the future. Its center is one of the few places where adults who have a deep admiration for space travel can assemble without feeling like an outcast. Besides a Star Trek convention or a NASA Christmas party. They probably even have a correct way to poop (sideways at a 67 degree angle). Their slogan is, “If it seems normal and rooted in science, it’s probably not Scientology.”

One year ago today, the successful Scientology experiment codenamed Suri Cruise was born. How she was conceived is still a mystery plaguing top researchers to this day. Many claim Suri to be a test tube baby. Could it be she was natural? Did Tom Cruise’s penis not shrivel up and run away upon entering the uncharted territories of a vagina? People have looked towards Katie Holmes for an answer. Alas, she has none. She was unconscious throughout the whole ordeal and only awoke to find herself dressed as a collegiate wrestler while Tom Cruise sat huddled in a corner whimpering. So, happy birthday Suri Cruise. May your tale live on even after death.

I’m only gone for three days and the world blows up. I missed a few big things which I’ll post just because I know you miss me. The first is obviously Vanity Fair finally releasing pictures of Tom and Katie’s Asian baby. At about 4 months old, Suri already has a full set of dark black hair and looks kind of cute.

People are already trying to throw some rumors around that this is Chris Klein’s baby, but there’s only one thing I know for sure. It’s a rather cute baby with a really nice head of hair that will make all those bald babies so jealous.

The Post is reporting Vanity Fair has landed the first photos of Suri and are set to publish them this fall. The photos were taken by celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz. This could end months of speculation about the existenance of Tom Cruise’s daughter.

When Suri finally fully comprehends what’s happening to her right now, it won’t be long until she asks daddy that important question. How does one become an emancipated minor? And if that doesn’t work, maybe a spaceship will come and take her far far away.

Fellow Scientologist Leah Remini claims she has seen Suri Cruise. She describes her as a beaming baby who looks just like Tom and Kate. If these two want to squash some of the rumors floating around, they’re going to have to come up with something better than sending a minion to blurt out prepared statements. I want to know the facts like if she is limbless or if she acts ambiguosly gay like Tom Cruise does. Does she continue to suck on her mom’s teat even though there is no more milk? Without pictures, I can only imagine she looks like the baby from Eraserhead and if you’ve never seen the movie, take my advice, don’t.