Cancer survivor Suzanne Somers has made bold claims that the chemotherapy Patrick Swayze underwent for his pancreatic cancer poisoned him. Luckily, there’s no controversy since no one cares what Suzanne Somers thinks. Somers is like that homeless guy screaming about kittens being our overlords who you nod your head at as you quickly walk by.

“They took a beautiful man” and “put poison in his body,” the “Three’s Company” star told columnist Shinan Govani at the party for Tom Ford’s movie, “A Single Man,” at the Toronto Film Festival. While Julianne Moore, Naomi Watts, Clive Owen and Colin Firth made chitchat, Somers, who has a book about cancer coming out next month, said: “Why couldn’t they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins? . . . I hate to be this controversial . . . but I have to speak out.”

Wait. I’ve changed my mind. Suzanne Somers may be on to something. Why has Western medicine yet to discover that mixing a bunch of common foods like honey, barley, rosewater and red pepper can flush out cancer from your body like Draino? It’s so obvious.

62-year-old Suzanne Somers, Three’s Company and Step By Step, went on Oprah Thursday to discuss her daily health routine. It involves rubbing a syringe of estrogen on one arm every day, rubbing a syringe of progesterone on the other arm for two weeks of every month and vaginal injections of estriol.

Also, every morning she’ll take 40 pills, 15 of which are mixed in with a thick, yellow smoothie. Before bed, she takes another 20.

While she admits the routine makes her seem “like some kind of fanatic,” she says it has helped her beat the “Seven Dwarfs of Menopause: Itchy, B**chy, Sleepy, Sweaty, Bloated, Forgetful and All Dried Up.”

“I wanna be there,” she said, pointing to her head. “Until I’m 110. And I’m going to do what I have to do to get there.”

Holy crap. A cancer patient doesn’t even take that many pills or injections. This bitch is insane. There’s no way I would even bring a needle within five feet of my crotch. If you told me that if I stabbed my penis every day with testosterone, my dick would grow four inches and sex would last longer than two minutes, I’d say no thanks. The laughter, embarrassment and endless crying isn’t that bad.

[Image via Splash News]

Suzanne Sommers was peddling merchandise on HSN when she decided it’d be a good idea to spin around in her dress and maybe flash her vadge. The jury is still out on whether these were panties or an actual 60-year-old’s cooch. I have no idea myself. I like my eyes too much to take a second look.