When Taylor Momsen isn’t being shocking, she’s trying to be shocking. She got kicked off Gossip Girl to make a career out of it. So far it’s been going alright. Nothing groundbreaking. Though she did befriend Jenna Haze during a FHM shoot to pick up some pointers.

One of Jenna’s tips for Taylor was, “Let me rub my ass on you while you perform.” (Though frankly, that’s Jenna’s solution to everything) Taylor took that to heart and here we are now, watching Jenna Haze give Taylor Momsen a lap dance while she sings “Make Me Wanna Die” at the House of Blues. Cool story, huh?

I’ve neglected the Week in Shoots for a couple weeks but stability was never my strong suit. Just ask my illegitimate children. Here’s a round-up of what happened this week.

• Christina Aguilera dribbled what looked like period blood down her leg during her Etta James performance which turned out to be fake tanner.
• The SAG Awards happened and Dick Van Dyke was really excited about it.
• NBC got cold feet and pulled the donkey semen Fear Factor episode.
• Nick Carter showed what a good kisser he was.
• Elisabetta Canalis traded down and made out with Steve-O.
• Joan Rivers got high on TV.
• Blake Lively announced her number.
• Channing Tatum made Rachel McAdams a prosthetic penis.
• Eli Roth became the primary suspect in the Selena Gomez murder case.
• Snooki peed herself.

As for what you’ll find in today’s photoshoot round-up.

• Arianny Celeste in Complex.
• Elisha Cuthbert in Shape.
• Elizabeth Olson in ASOS.
• Kim Kardashian in an Esquire shoot.
• Leighton Meester shot by Mark Lidell.
• Taylor Momsen in FHM (again?).
• Tori Praver in lingerie.

You dream this day would one day come but when it finally does, you’re still unprepared for how beautiful it actually is. Here’s pornstar/deep throat master Jenna Haze and actress Taylor Momsen together for the very first time on the set of a FHM shoot. What is this watery substance escaping from my eye?

Back in November, Deadline Hollywood reported that Taylor Momsen was placed on indefinite hiatus on Gossip Girl because she became increasingly difficult to work with. However, according to Taylor Momsen in an interview with Elle, she said she quit acting to tour with her band.

ELLE: And any acting projects planned?
TM: I quit acting, actually. I quit Gossip Girl and now tour and am in a band and that’s pretty much all I want to do. Hopefully I’ll be able to only do that for the rest of my life.

You can’t fire me, I quit! *Rolls eyes* If I was an actor, I’d never trade my cushy lifestyle for one where I have to ride in a trailer with a bunch of sweaty dudes. But things aren’t all bad. Her tour manager gives the best neck massages.

ELLE: OK—what about beauty essentials that you always bring with you on the road?
TM: Our tour manager gives the f*****g best neck massages! We learned that today [laughs]. We’ve only been on tour with him for three years now, he decides today to go like [pinches fingers], and I’m like, ‘Woah! Dude!’

The fastest way to a girl’s heart is through a good neck massage. Just make sure you know the person first and don’t whisper, “Mmm, you like that baby? Mm, yea,” in their ear. They surprisingly find that creepy.

Taylor Momsen looked like she had a really good time after the after party for Metal Hammer Golden God Awards at Embassy in London over the weekend. Her girlfriend had to help her in the car and then later had to help her into bed when she rented Taylor out to some guy. That last part didn’t happen by the way but it’d be cool if it did because these pictures are boring.

Taylor Momsen walked around Paris, France in her weird grunge/punk rock outfit today with her pants only partially zipped. Because she’s a little fatty. Oink oink, piggy.

Famed music producer L.A. Reid has been confirmed as one of the judges on the US X Factor. A legit choice because of the number of stars he’s made. Now there’s a rumor that 17-year-old Taylor Momsen will also be one of the judges. Also because of her talent. Of flashing her breasts on stage.

Celebuzz has learned producers for the show have zeroed in on the 17-year-old Pretty Reckless singer, and want her to take a stab at co-hosting the show. Earlier this week, uber-producer L.A. Reid officially signed on the dotted line to sit at the judge’s table.

We’re told that producers think the often-controversial Momsen is perfect for the spot because she’s “young, hip and edgy” and has just the energy the show is looking for.

This must be a joke. Taylor Momsen is about as edgy as a butter knife. Her tired schtick has been done ad nauseam. I do like the message this sends to young girls though. If you want to be famous, dress like a hooker, flash your boobs and strip yourself of that beast called dignity.

Taylor Momsen performed at Tattoo Rock Parlour in Toronto, Canada over the weekend wearing a “I F**k For Satan” t-shirt. This may be the edgiest that Taylor’s ever edgy been in her edgy life. Edgy, edgy, edgy. She coupled the top with leather boy shorts and bent over for the crowd every few minutes. Then she provocatively danced with a fan. Just in case people didn’t get that she was edgy. Because that’s what she is. Edgy. Did I mention she was edgy?

Good news everyone. Justin Bieber hired a hooker to spice up his Never Say Never premiere which was attended by hundreds of squealing teenyboppers. Oh, wait. My bad. That’s not a hooker. That’s Taylor Momsen arriving at the premiere. Well, um, I, uh… Her boots heels look nice?

Taylor Momsen’s rebellion is hilarious because no one takes her seriously but at least she has a decent voice. It feels like shes just waiting until she turns 18 so she can flash her tits and act like it’s no big deal. Also, this sounds like a song The Get Up Kid Would write.

Ke$ha tries to be funny while wishing you a merry Christmas but it turns out kind of lame. At first I thought that was a guy having diarrhea in the background but then I realized it was a girl and then I became even more horrified. Because I realized Ke$ha was singing. (NSFW)

Taylor Momsen tries so hard to be controversial. In enough time, she’s just going to go into self-parody. In Taylor’s latest, “Hey, look at me, I’m unique and deep,” bought of verbal diarrhea, she reveals to The Guardian that the music video for her band’s Make Me Wanna Die song was in limbo for a while because she stripped completely nude for the shoot.

“It was held up in legal for a long time because I was 16 when we shot that. We couldn’t release it because, yes, I actually got naked.”

But she didn’t get naked just to be naked. There was a purpose. You know how teenagers try to be deep but it’s really impossible because they’re just teenagers and anything they think is profound ends up sounding idiotic? Well, here you go.

“It’s such a complex song – and the video really reflects the song, in the way that I’d die for this person. And the point is: if you don’t do something that’s making you happy, you’re just working through possessions and shit; you’re dying with nothing anyway. So I’m stripping off my worldly possessions and giving them away. And then there’s hell raining down, just cause it looks cool.”

Now that she finished up her pseudo-intellectual rant, she talks about masturbation again. Edgy!

“I’m a promoter of masturbation. Don’t sleep around—learn yourself first! Guys do, but girls don’t. And that’s why girls have so many bad experiences. But you can know your body, know yourself, know what feels good. You don’t have to give yourself away just to have sexual relevance. Because I don’t think sex is something people should be afraid of. It’s part of human nature, so I don’t think it should be so shameful—particularly for girls and young girls.”

Taylor must have a list of buzzwords written down. On that list are words like “dildo, masturbation, nudity, promiscuity.” Her agency must require her to talk about at least two of those per interview.

Taylor Momsen was in Paris doing a new photo shoot. In one of them she’s wearing the same nipple tape she used during her concert. The other she looks half-naked. What a sexy photo shoot this is. Usually when I take pictures of half-naked 17-year-olds the judge calls me depraved and says I have to register on some website. But I don’t do it because I don’t want any spam.

Last we saw of Taylor Momsen she was still dressing like a scorned thrift store goth and complaining about how her parents robbed her of a childhood. Before that she was flashing her nipples and talking about vibrators. Project Runway’s Tim Gunn even called her a diva and said she was pathetic and couldn’t even remember what little lines she had. He then questioned why everyone was being held hostage by “this brat.”

Seems the CW agrees with Gunn’s sentiments and have suspended Taylor Momsen from Gossip Girl indefinitely. Not that big of a deal as Taylor has appeared in only three episodes this season. Reps for CW and WB wouldn’t comment but sources tell Deadline she’ll be gone for at least four episodes starting with the mid-season finale on Dec. 6.

Perfect. This gives Taylor more time to spiral her life out of control. First it’s diva behavior, then it’s nipple tape, then it’s marijuana and then it’s an uncontrollable coke habit. The CW network is a gateway drug.