As previously mentioned, Sunday night was the Teen Choice Awards. Attendees also included Rachel Bilson, Lucy Hale, Blake Lively, Nina Dobrev, Jojo and Tyra Banks who has as much to do with teens as Richard Simmons does with exercise.

E! has a rundown of their five biggest jaw-droppers of the Teen Choice Awards from Sunday night. The big one includes Harry Potter being out Twilight for something. I don’t know. Maybe it was “Most Annoyingly Hard to Follow Series?”

A few others include Sean Kingston returning after his terrible jet ski accident where he crashed into a bridge, Joe Jonas’ ex Taylor Swift seated next to Joe Jonas’ ex Ashley Greene and proof that teens shouldn’t be given the power to do anything much less vote, Rebecca Black winning an award for Choice Web Star.

Selena Gomez was also a big winner yesterday. She won five awards including Choice Female Hottie, TV Comedy Actress, Music Single, Best Love song and Musical Group. She should have also gotten one for Choice Unplanned Pregnancy because I’m pretty sure that’s where her relationship with Justin Bieber is heading. Speaking of which, Justin Bieber won for Choice Male Hottie. What is this, prom? He also won for Choice Twit. A decidedly deserved award. Anyway, EW has a better rundown of everything that went down if you really must know.

Luckily I didn’t sit through this or else I would have impaled myself on someone’s stilletos.

All of the attractive people in the pictures from the 2010 Teen Choice Awards are from the CW network. Seems they have a monopoly on the young, hot, fresh Hollywood talent. It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya. I can’t even trick any desperate models into doing my basement movies anymore because they’ve either all been hired by the CW or read that character assassinating article in the LA Times police blotter.

A bunch of beautiful people were at the 2010 Teen Choice Awards. My invitation must have been lost in the mail but luckily I can live vicariously through these pictures. Like these of Ashley Greene. She’s pretty. And she was in Twilight so that makes her relevant. Look at me. I’m so up to date with my teen franchises.

Cameron Diaz posed with her surfboard at the Teen Choice Awards on Sunday with co-stars Sofia Vassilieva and Abigail Breslin from My Sister’s Keeper. But only for half the pictures. Her co-stars seemed to disappear for the other half. With good reason. May I direct your eyes from her beautiful face to her armpits? They were pretty much gushing sweat at that point. A baby could drown under there. I can see why she’s a famous movie actress now.

Dane Cook gave Vanessa Hudgens a shout out at the Teen Choice Awards on Sunday. Sort of. He tried to make a funny about the second set of nude pics of her that leaked online. Here’s the video. Verdict: Dane cook, still not funny, but he’s great at making people feel awkward.

Cook went up to present the Choice Hottie award and before he did, he shouted out for Vanessa Hudgens. Hudgens, excited, waved. Her enthusiasm didn’t last long though. Cook then said, “Girl. You gots to keep yo clothes on. Phones are for phone calls, girl.” Cue the nervous laughter. You can actually see the expression change on Vanessa’s face. Almost as if someone took a dump on her lap. It’s like that Simpsons episode where Lisa goes up on stage and tells everyone in the audience that she doesn’t love Ralph. Then when she gets home, Bart replays the exact scene where Ralph’s heart breaks over and over again. In this case, that happens at the 30 second mark.

Megan Fox and Robert Pattinson accepted their Choice Hottie surfboard award at the Teen Choice Awards on Sunday night presented by that Dane Cook guy. You know, the one everyone booed.

“Wow. I hope that I get lucky enough in the future to be a part of something that you like as much as you like ‘Transformers,’ ” she told the crowd. “And I love you guys. And I’m gonna shut up now so you can all look at Robert Pattinson.”

This is great and all, but do we really need to award Megan Fox a prize to confirm that, yes, everyone wants to bang her? Can’t we just settle on the intangibles like the heaps of praise bestowed upon her every day and the always open offer of sleeping with me? If we absolutely must award her something tangible that reaffirms her beauty, something that she can hold on to and admire daily, it might as well be my erect penis.

Dane Cook was booed at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards on Sunday after joking, “Vanessa Hudgens! – Girl you got to keep your clothes on!” Cook was presenting the Choice Hottie Awards to Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox.

Maybe Dane didn’t realize he was at an awards show created for 14-year-olds who idolize Miley Cyrus and High School Musical. Even the mere mention of a blemish thought to be seen on Zac Efron’s face causes the accuser to be beaten mercilessly with lip gloss and compacts. Edgy jokes for them revolve around how Miley Cyrus almost showed up to prom in her pj’s.

Then again, maybe Dane Cook just isn’t funny which is the case 100% of the time. “Girl you got to keep your clothes on!” Haha, get it? Because Hudgens had her nude photos leaked on the web for a second time. How timely! Who did he steal this joke from?

Footage of Miley Cyrus’ 9-year-old sister Noah working the pole has been found. This was at a pre-party for the Teen Choice Awards. Admittedly, they’re not actually dancing like strippers, more like running around like little kids, but this must have been awkward for all the adults there.

It’s hard to think of what to do in situations like this. You don’t want to stare at two little kids in skirts dancing around anything that resembles a stripper pole so you have to look somewhere else. The wall would be a good idea. So, that was probably what was going on if you walked into the room and saw all the guys nervously turned around. They weren’t hiding erections, they were praying for it to be over before cops busted in.

Speaking of Cyrus’, poles and the Teen Choice Awards. This story wouldn’t be complete without the famous sister, the one people care about, Miley, working a pole atop a ice cream cart at the filming of the TCA’s. Cringe in horror as it dawns upon you that schools might start offering pole dancing as an elective.

The Teen Choice Awards always provides with entertainment in the form of pictures. Pictures such as those of Brandon Routh who’s t-shirt is as puzzling as his sexuality, Rachel Bilson who is tiny, Johnny Depp still being grungy, Keanu Reeves looking like a well dressed homeless man, Carmen Electra’s breasts touching Jessica Simpson’s breasts, Jessica Alba with the Fez guy and more.

I can’t tell you how bummed out I am to have missed Kevin Federline at the Teen Choice Awards. Luckily, someone posted his performance on Youtube. K-Fed said he was going to go for the oh-my-god factor, but I don’t think I saw anything like that. Unless the reaction he wanted was “Oh my god, he actually showed his face.” His music is pretty bad and his performance would shame even Hellen Keller. I hope you have as much fun as I did watching him do the chicken dance.

Britney Spears was also at the Teen Choice Awards to introduce her man. I would like to point out that this is the girl you masturbated to 6 years ago. Disturbing, isn’t it?

Kevin Federline is going to host the Teen Choice Awards on Sunday. He is closing the show with a performance and plans to go for the oh-my-god factor. I was planning on watching a comedy, but I didn’t know which one. Kevin just made my day.

I’m not freaked out at all, man. There ain’t no way. I’m ready. It’s going to be incredible. I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve here and there.

Usually when someone pulls an oh-my-god stunt, it invovles something shocking like 3 women kissing each other at the same time or throwing feces into the crowd. It does not mean people go “oh my god, it’s worse than I imagined” and slit their wrists after you perform, but what do I know, I’m not half the genius K-Fed is.