After news that not only is Michael Bay producing a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie but that he’s changing their origin story from turtles mutated by green ooze to “these turtles are from an alien race, and they’re going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable [ed. note: studio buzz words!],” fans naturally experienced heightened levels of nerd rage and told Michael he was raping their childhood. Which you’ll know is going to happen if you’ve seen Transformers.

Well, Michael Bay has heard your concerns and wants you to calm down, maybe take a puff from that inhaler, dingus. On his forum, Shoot for the Edit, where all his sycophants hang out, Bay posted,

Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.

Translation: No one has read the script, thank god. We’re paying one of the original creators loads of money to lend credibility to the film. Relax, we are including an updated Vanilla Ice dance sequence. Maybe with Justin Bieber. We are just building a richer world. Constructed with bags of money we’re going to make off your nostalgia. Suckers!

Jessica Biel is expensive: Jessica Biel has been auctioned off for $30,000 to benefit some girl who lost her leg on prom night after being dragged by a Hummer stretch limousine. The event itself generated $44,000. Jessica was not there in person for the auction, but she recorded a voice message promising she was a cheap date. The winner and her will meet for lunch at which point he will freak her out.

Venom makes his debut: The first images of Venom have appeared on Sony’s website. It reminds me of Star Trek which can never be a good thing.

The Fountain trailer: The Fountain trailer has finally appeared after a long time. Darren Aronofsky is still trippy, but this trailer did not kick as much ass as the teasers for 300 or Grindhouse. Sorry Darren.

TMNT trailer: The CG animated Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie also debuted a trailer. I am literally suprised because this looks like some kind of awesome. I have some issues about how they look, but the CG is seriously great.

Scarlett Johansson is in Dallas: Add one more name to the Dallas remake. Scarlett Johansson is signed to play Lucy Ewing. Grouping Scarlett with Jennifer Lopez and Katie Cassidy is like putting a diamond in a bucket full of semen.

Veronic Mars: Kristen Bell is prettier in person. The rest of the cast is just as genius as the show. Rob Thomas revealed that since Veronica Mars is moving to the new CW network, they need to post good ratings in order to stay on the air. Their new time slot is after the train wreck that is Gilmore Girls. If Veronica Mars isn’t able to post the same or better ratings than the Gilmore Girls, then I’m to believe that I’m in an alternate dimension called hell.

Iron Man poster: Iron Man also got a poster. Uhh ok. Coming to a theater near you in 2 years. Great.