I’m lying of course. Terrence Howard’s divorce with his soon to be ex-wife Michelle is anything but. Each side is accusing the other of violence and hate.

In the divorce documents, Howard says Michelle, who is not black, would scream things like “I never wanted to marry a n**ger in the first place” and “I definitely didn’t want to be the step mother of some n**ger kids” whenever she got upset.

Is Michelle Dutch? Because that could explain her throwing around the n-word like that. Maybe something got lost in translation. Maybe she meant n**gabitch. Although I don’t see how that would have been any better. In fact, I think that would be ten times worse.

Howard also says Michelle is attempting to extort him with private recordings she took off his computer and threatened to have him “clipped” if he went to the cops. He claims she once bragged, “I have a lot of Russian friends who would do it as a favor.” Hopefully Terrence doesn’t take an arrow to the knee. I hear that ends careers.

So the story goes, a girl got hold of what she thought was Terrence Howard’s phone number. One day she mustered up enough liquid courage to call and profess her love to Terrence in a 3 minute voicemail. The twist is she called with her friend’s phone because hers was dead. As it turns out, the number was actually his wife’s. Naturally, Terrence called back and left a voicemail threatening to cut the person’s throat. Drama queen.

“N**ga, you been calling my wife… If you call my wife again I’m going to come to your house and I’m going to cut your f***ing throat,” Terrence says in the message.

“Understand that. I’m gonna tell you this one time. You call my wife again, I’m going to kill you.” (Listen here)

A few days later, Terrence realized he made a mistake and left a voicemail apologizing.

“I’m so sorry for calling you and speaking that way,” Terrence said. “I thought you were somebody that’s been harassing my wife. Please forgive me.” — Radar

Terrence even sent a followup text explaining himself.

“My wife told me that she was receiving obscene text from you and that she was being harassed. Therefore I responded with the protective nature that a husband has for his wife,” Terrence wrote.

“Forgive me for the anger, but as you are watching over your girl friend, I too am devoted to my love.”

I’m glad everything worked out and we’re one step closer to ending this confusion with a baby wipe gift exchange and a sterilized hug.

Hollywood.TV asked Terrence Howard his thoughts on the Rihanna / Chris Brown situation outside of Mr. Chow a couple of days ago.

Terrence, talking out of his ass, said: “It’s just life, man. Chris is a great guy, man. He’ll be all right. Rihanna knows he loves her. He’ll be alright. Because everybody gotta get out of their way.”

Yea, Chris Brown just expresses his love in different ways. Other people hug. Chris pretends he’s playing Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.

Terrence later wanted to retract his statement. He told E! that he had no idea what happened between Chris and Rihanna when they asked him that.

“When they asked me about Chris Brown the other day, I was in no way aware of what he had been accused of,” Howard said in a statement. “Had I known, I would have never had said something so insensitive.”

Terrence will be surprised to learn that… NO TAKE BACKS! Sucka!

When news hit that Terrence Howard was replaced by Don Cheadle in the next Iron Man installment, fans experienced thirty seconds worth of shock. The story was Howard was axed because he was holding out for more money but in an interview with NPR, Howard said he learned about the news the same way we common folk did.

It was the surprise of a lifetime. There was no explanation. [The contract] just…up and vanished. I read something in the trades implicating that it was about money or something, but apparently the contracts that we write and sign aren’t worth the paper that they’re printed on, sometimes. Promises aren’t kept, and good faith negotiations aren’t always held up.

Breaking up via third party sources is always tricky. Especially when the person you’re breaking up with knows where you live and may have a trash can or two full of used baby wipes to tp your house with.

Warner Bros. has replaced Terrence “Baby Wipes” Howard with Don Cheadle in the upcoming Iron Man 2 due to “financial differences.” Cheadle will take over the role of Jim Rhodes who will eventually become War Machine.

Marvel had no comment about the decision but was later seen crying like a 14-year-old girl going through her first break-up.

Terrence Howard, who loves dating women who look like him, was spotted at Tenjune and then Butter making out with Kim Kardashian, who’s supposedly dating Reggie Bush, and rubbing her big ass like it was Buddah’s belly.

“They were all over each other,” snitched the onlooker. “She was sitting on his lap and he was rubbing her butt.” A rep for Howard declined to comment.

I hear that a genie pops out of Kim’s ass and grants you three sexy wishes if you rub it. It’s true. I heard it from the cousin of a friend who overheard a girl talking to a waitress who served Kim Kardashian a cocktail. Shoot. I’m not supposed to divulge my sources.

Terrence Howard has been in some great films, but apparently he has a big head or doesn’t think when he speaks. He was quoted as saying,

“I like women who look like me … because the most beautiful thing in nature is your own reflection.”

I agree. My reflection is pretty hot. Although, I draw the line at women who look like me. I’m not into muscley chicks with chiseled abs, facial hair and a penis. But, you know what? Besides that, I guess I could go for a woman with a hot ass, nice eyes, a sexy body and really silky hair.

The Iron Man panel at SDCC. Gwyneth Paltrow looking like a zombie, Terrence Howard sitting there twiddling his thumbs, Jon Favreau rambling and Robert Downey Jr. in character. A lot more after the jump.

A New York taxi driver swears this was a conversation he overheard between Terrence Howard and a tall blond woman.

“I want you to pop the zits on my back with your teeth,” and then leaned forward and yelled at me, “And you can tell Page Six!”

This is the kind of romance women only hope to find in chick lit while waiting in line to buy their tv dinner. Long ago I was told one thing. Girls dream of the perfect wedding and rupturing engorged pustules on Terrence Howard’s back with their teeth. I’m glad to see someone out there is living the dream.