Spencer Pratt was banned from the finale party for The Hills at the Roosevelt Hotel last night so he did what any rational D-lister would. He glued a bunch of pubes to his face and tried to crash the party. It didn’t work. Organizers kicked his mountain man ass out.

“I wasn’t invited to that party, so I’m having my own party with the people on the Hollywood Walk of Stars!” Pratt, 26, explained to gossip blogger Perez Hilton on camera.

He added, “I spend a lot of time being hated and I feel like I want a little closure.”

What did him in was probably him tweeting his plan. The Roosevelt canceled his room when they found out. “FYI Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel just cancelled all my rooms and said that they overbooked the hotel!” he tweeted Tuesday morning. “NEVER QUIT NEVER DIE! ha CAN’T STOP ME.”

Spencer also supposedly tried crashing the premiere of Inception. That didn’t work either as security escorted him away.

These two stories would have been a lot better had “escorted out by security” been followed with “and beaten mercilessly with metal bats” and ended with “is now in a coma.”

MTV ran a preview for the final season of The Hills and in one scene Heidi Montag comes home to show off her new face to her mom. Heidi says, “I haven’t seen anyone since my surgery — no one’s seen Heidi 3.0.” So, Heidi asks her mom whether she looks good. A few seconds of awkward silence later, she asks Heidi to rephrase the question. Ouch.

I take it that her mom hates it. I wonder if she asks Heidi if it’s reversible. Like, is there an undo button or something? “Ctrl-Z that shit!,” her mom probably exclaimed.

In another scene, Heidi starts crying. That one is awkward because Heidi can’t really cry after her plastic surgery. It looks like tears give her pain. Which might be a good thing. Crying is a sign of weakness.

Also, Heidi might be getting a divorce.

I thought this semi-scripted reality show would never end but praise be to allah it is. After 6 seasons, The Hills will finally be done with. Apparently no one really cared anymore after Lauren Conrad left. Which is odd because she was just as uninteresting as the rest of the cast. I had more fun throwing bolgna at the wall than watching them give each other pained looks.

EW says this final season addresses Audrina’s relationship with Ryan Cabrera, Kristin Cavallari struggling with rumors of drug abuse and Stephanie Pratt dealing with sobriety after her DUI arrest last year. There may also be a showdown between Kristin and Lauren when she returns. OMG! Set your DVR’s. What do you think the producers will tell these two to say to each other? I can’t wait for the thrilling conclusion that will inevitably leave me empty and unfulfilled.

[Images: INF]

The Daily Beast put up some depressing numbers of what the cast of The Hills make per episode. Kristin Cavallari is back and makes $90,000 compared to Audrina Patridge’s $100,000 which is pretty good considering Audrina had to prove her worth by leaking topless shots of herself. Lauren Conrad was making $125,000 per episode with a stipulation that no one make more than her. Lauren Bosworth and Heidi Montag are also paid $100,000 a show while Spencer Pratt is paid only $65,000. All this for throwing a few bitchy comments at each other, but otherwise doing nothing.

Meanwhile, my hot dog fell on the carpet and I’m still considering eating it. Mm, that carpet lint and weird black thing really gives it flavor.

Ruh roh. Manufactured drama on The Hills has turned into real drama as Audrina Patridge isn’t able to discern between the two. The new season of the much maligned MTV reality show has begun filming and already everyone hates Lauren Conrad’s replacement, Kristin Cavallari. The NYDN says Cavallari hit up Patridge’s 24th birthday party at London’s West Hollywood hotel and pissed off Patridge by pretending to flirt with her sometimes boyfriend Justin “Bobby” Brescia. From the NYDN:

“Kristin was fake giggling and making it look like she liked him,” says a source. “Audrina started yelling at Kristin about how desperate she is and was clapping and yelling, ‘Keep it up! You’re such a good actress!’”

Adds the source, “Obviously, it’s not material they can use on the show, but Audrina didn’t care. She wanted to finally tell Kristin what she thought of her.”

Man, Audrina is an idiot to think anyone would want to hook-up with her douchebaggy boyfriend. It must be really easy to get her to sleep with you. Waving a few hundred dollars in front of her and shoving a camera in her face must be like crack to her. You probably wouldn’t even have convince her it’s a real camera. Could be made out of cardboard and the record button drawn on with Sharpie.

I don’t watch The Hills so that’s more than enough reason to cancel the show, but MTV doesn’t care about me which is why they’re continuing with the reality series sans Lauren Conrad. No one thinks it’s a big deal. Asked whether the show could survive without LC, Audrina Patridge said: “Yes, we’re like family to our audience.”

Uh ok. A big part of your family is gone. I’m sure there’s a grieving period just like when real families lose their retarded daughter, in this case Lauren Conrad, and are left with bunch of even more retarded children, the rest of the cast. This stark realization might be enough cause for the parents, aka viewers, to disown said dysfunctional children or drown them in the bathtub, a metaphor for not wanting to watch the show anymore.

This will be the last season of The Hills for Lauren Conrad and she’s already finished filming the small stuff, an accomplishment she celebrated at Beso last month. All she needed to do now was film the major stuff that takes up 90% of the show. This could be done in a small room with just her and a camera.

“The producers would make Lauren react to a lot of potential scenarios, because they’re not yet sure how the finale will play out with the other characters,” says our source. “They would literally give her directions like, ‘Now react to Stephanie Pratt being pregnant!’ Lauren would just giggle and go for it. She also had to pretend to react to a fake story line about Audrina and Brody hooking up.”

A rep for MTV, who probably has never seen an episode of The Hills, denies this and says it would be impossible to cut a show off of pre-taped reactions. Kidding aside, the rep has a point. They need five takes for Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge to eat a salad and five takes for them to walk and talk at the same time without tripping over their feet. Most people don’t know that The Hills is actually filmed two years in advance because of the amount of time it takes them to get a good shot of Lauren acting surprised. She always gets that emotion confused with constipated.

The Hills star revealed some gripping details about her new book L.A. Candy yesterday. The book is the first in a series of three, giving Americans three valid reasons to stop reading completely.

According to her MySpace blog: “They will tell a behind-the-scenes story of a young girl who moves to L.A. and unexpectedly becomes the star of a reality television show.  The books will be loosely inspired by my own experience and are definitely influenced by my own life.”

Sweet Jesus, that sounds compelling. Here I was thinking her talents stopped at acting, fashion design, and constipated pre-commercial-break facial expressions. Guess I can add “master storyteller” to that list. Sometimes God just picks somebody and gives ‘em all the gifts.

Season five will be The Hills‘ last. Lauren Conrad talking to Seventeen magazine revealed that she wanted to “walk away from it while it’s still a great thing. I always want to remember it that way. I gave MTV a deadline and said, ‘This is as long as I can do it and stay sane.’ ”

Right. Because The Hills is the defining show of our time. Watching Lauren Conrad and company blankly stare at each other from across a dinner table will be the most profound thing we see this century. It makes The Shield look like Jerry Springer. Seriously. I could vomit out a better show.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer at the finale of The Hills. I wonder what Heidi is going to do now that The Hills have ended? Is she going to beg the producers to let her onto that other show or will she fade not so quietly into obscurity? If Spencer has anything to say about it, my guess is that they’ll live on through online antics broadcast on YouTube where they can trade their dignity for page views. Just like us! Watch out for the “Spencer gets an enema from Heidi and likes it” video coming in 2009.

Update: Nevermind, looks like The Hills is continuing for at least another season.

Kind of. Tom Cruise taped an interview with MTV Canada’s The After Show to promote his movie Valkryie during which he was asked about The Hills. Specifically, about Spencer and Heidi’s elopement. Cruise, who had to be told what a “Hills” was, gave Spencer some sage advice:

“If the girl wants the wedding, you gotta do the wedding,” Cruise said. “It’s a special occasion, and she’ll remember it forever. Spencer … dude … you’ll realize this later.”

Listen to Tom, he knows how to control women. You lavish them with gifts and whisper sweet nothings in their ear and inject them with muscle relaxants. You don’t force them to get breast augmentation and a nose job and a shotgun wedding in Mexico. That path will always lead to resentment and fleeting fame. The trick is to stretch your 15 minutes into 15 years. Sigh. Spencer will never learn. He’ll always be a poor man’s Tom Cruise.

Update: Now with video

If you thought you’d never hear a lively discussion about the Large Hadron Collider on The Hills, you’d be partially correct. Because in this clip when Audrina Partidge’s friend explains that the LHC is being used to collide subatomic particles together, a worried look flashes across Audrina’s face and afraid that people will know how much of an idiot she is if she continues the conversation, she changes the subject. Dumb people are funny.

MTV just released a preview of the new Whitney Port helmed reality series The City. That’s right folks. She’s moving from The Hills to New York. Check the preview above and let out a woeful sigh with me. *Sigh* Since I’m at a loss for words, I’ll let Captain Picard describe my frustration.