In an interview on The View, Billy Ray Cyrus says he’s getting the gang back together. He’s dropping the divorce and with that, Miley Cyrus is talking to him again.

“I feel like we are the daddy and daughter that we were before Hannah Montana happened,” Billy said.

This after he told GQ that Hanna Montana destroyed his family and Miley was hanging with a bad crowd. And after Miley was caught smoking “salvia” from a bong.

Now they’re one big happy family again. Like nothing ever happened. Mickey Mouse must have put Billy’s balls in a vise and cranked the lever. When will Billy learn. Mouse beats mullet every time.

Remember when American Pie came out and people couldn’t stop talking about Jason Biggs f**king a pie? I bet he wishes he could go back to those days because he’s now resigned himself to making fun of Heidi Montag on Twitter. Which is actually a pretty awesome thing to do when you’re a bored actor.

Biggs went on The View to talk about “collaborating” on a romance novel with Heidi Montag over Twitter. “Collaborating” is in quotes because Jason was actually being sarcastic and making fun of Heidi. But all that plastic seeped into Heidi’s brain and destroyed her sarcasm detector so she didn’t know what was going on. Or did she?

“She wrote something like, ‘Chapter One, Jason Biggs sits on a tiger-skin rug wearing nothing but a yarmulke,’” he said, “which actually is pretty funny.” Biggs then picked up the action, having his faithful steed accidentally kick Montag in the chest and then he comes to her aid.

Spencer Pratt heard about this and warned Jason to stay away from his woman. Since Pratt is about as scary as a miniature-miniature poodle, Biggs told him, “No, I won’t stay away from your woman.” Then nothing happened because Spencer Pratt is a douchebag.

The New York Times ran an article over the weekend called Hollywood’s Whiteout about how there are no black actors nominated for an Oscar this year. The piece seemed to list all the black actors who won an Oscar and appeared to leave out Whoopi Goldberg who won for best supporting actress in 1990.

Whoopi, having only seemingly skimmed the article, was filled with such righteous indignation that she went on The View and started wah-wahing about how they left her out. She’s important! Whoopi said, “When you win an Academy Award, that’s part of what you’ve done, your legacy. I will always be Academy Award winner Whoopi Goldberg. This is not hidden information. And to these two critics, the head critics of The New York Times. It’s hard not to take it personally.” Much like they can never take away my title as one time kickball champion of 2nd grade.

Popeater, who actually read the article, noted that the authors were only talking about actors from the past nine years after Denzel Washington and Halle Berry won their awards. Apparently Whoopi only saw her name missing from a list of black actors and her eyes filled with such rage that her reading comprehension went out the window. “People in Somalia know. People in China know. I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m a worldwide person who’s known.” Me! Me! Me!

The gist of this is that woman in Ghost has a chip on her shoulder and demands recognition for that award she won 21 years ago. And maybe she’d get it too if she didn’t star in movies like Sister Act and Sister Act 2. She sounds like the kid who gets mad because he’s picked last and constantly reminds everyone about that sweet catch he made two grades ago but glosses over all the other times he spazzed out on the field. What I’m saying is I’m pretty sure someone pushed Whoopi’s whiny ass into a puddle after the show.

Sending shivers down everyone’s spine, Khloe Kardashian went on The View to talk about how she lost her virginity at 14 to a guy four years older than her and how she felt disgusted afterward.

“I feel like I was almost conned, well not conned, but persuaded, because he was older and I felt I wouldn’t be accepted or cool or whatever.

“Then I do remember when I was done, I felt, after two months of secretly dating this guy, I felt so disgusted with myself. I stopped talking to him and actually didn’t have sex for three years after that because I knew I was young and I knew I wasn’t ready.

“I should have listened to my parents,” she said. “Don’t let anyone pressure you, it’s not worth it and how I felt afterwards.”

Conned? Whatever. It doesn’t take much to persuade a 14-year-old Khloe Kardashian with self-esteem issues into doing something. All you need is a “you’re pretty” followed up with a turkey leg and she’ll melt like butter.

Especially Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar. Bill O’Reily was a guest on The View this morning and as expected, got into an argument with everyone. If this was an MMA match, the announcer would point out that O’Reily’s keys to victory are “shouting real loud and being condescending.” Because that’s how an argument is won.

Anyway, Whoopi and Joy got up and left after Bill said “Muslims killed us on 9/11″. If I’m understanding this correctly, they had to go to the ladies room and you know how women always need someone to go with them. Ha, girls! Amirite?

Sofia Vergara was on The View and caused all sorts of uncomfortableness when the hosts talked about her 18-year-old son and commented on how young she looks. Sherri joked that she had him when she was 12. Sofia joked that she had him after being raped at 13. Bwahahaha. Wait, I mean, rape is no laughing matter. Shame on you. Mark my words. Someone is going to tweet about this!

Mischa Barton hit up The View this morning to explain why she was put in a 5150 hold. She still blames her teeth. She says the dentist messed up when he pulled all four of her wisdom teeth at the same time. She ended up with an infection and a dry socket when she woke up the next day. Mischa claims she only took the minimum amount of painkillers to make it through the day. She also said that she had filming for Beautiful Life on top of a full schedule of traveling. By the time she went to the hospital, she was so overwhelmed and in so much pain that she said she wanted to die. The docs thought Mischa was a danger to herself and threw her in the psych ward.

You can tell something is up when Mischa says she had a full schedule. Mischa hasn’t had a real job since The OC. The most she does is stumble out of the clubs looking drunk. She also enthusiastically exclaims that she just moved to New York. I wouldn’t be too thrilled about that. DJ AM and Heath Ledger proved that New York isn’t the magical place people make it out to be.

Thursday on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck announced she was pregnant for the third time. Expecting an August birth, Hasselbeck said: “We are thankful for such great news and will begin planning our zone defense strategy immediately.” Hasselbeck already has two children with her husband Tim Hasselbeck, football dude.

Doctors predict this will be the most annoying birth ever and that if Elisabeth doesn’t keep quiet while pushing out her baby, they will duct tape her mouth shut. Protesters declared this a violation of human rights, but doctors were quick to refer them to The View. It was at that point protesters nodded understandingly and left.

Paula Abdul recently went on Barbara Walters’ Sirius and XM show to air her grievances about American Idol and Paula Goodspeed’s. This was discussed yesterday morning on The View. In Paula’s mind, producers and Simon Cowell were out to get her. Paula alleges they knew Goodspeed was unstable and had been stalking her for 18 years.

Abdul claims Idol producers ignored her protests and only brought on Goodspeed to make drama. Not only that, Simon is sabotaging her by always talking through a piece in her ear which causes her to lose her train of thought which causes her to look crazy when Ryan Seacrest asks what’s up.

These are pretty serious allegations. Good thing they’re coming from Paula. Paula can launch into this long speech decrying the franchise and the only thing Fox has to do is smirk, point at Paula, spin their finger around their ear and go, “cuckoo, cuckoo.”

John McCain was a guest on that estrogen fueled talk show The View today. During the interview, McCain said he wanted to constitution to be interpreted the way it was originally intended. Whoopi got a little heated and asked, “Should I be worried about being a slave, about being returned to slavery because crtain things happened in the Constitution that you had to change?” McCain looked like a deer in headlights and stuttered a correction and Barbara, concerned, assured Whoopi that “Us white folk would take care of you.”

Uhh… well… I’m sure Whoopi and Sherri are overjoyed to hear that they’d be taken care of by those magnanimous white folk. Unless, what Barbara meant by “taking care of” was that white folk would give Whoopi a real nice shack to stay in on their plantation, in which case, awkwaaarrrd.

Via Dlisted

Jessica Simpson is expected to co-host The View on November 15 and 16. She will join regular hosts Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, Whoopie Goldberg, Sherri Shepherd and Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Although Jessica may lower the average IQ on the show to an abysmal 98, ratings are expected to skyrocket as thousands of men in the coveted 18-25 demographic tune in to watch her inhale and exhale in real time. Teens will deem this the greatest thing to happen since they thought they saw nipple on the scrambled Playboy channel. 2 minutes later, they’ll be gushing something other than praise.

Alec Baldwin continued his campaign of “No, really, I’m a good parent” by showing up on The View. He used big words like parental alienation and custodial parent. I think he’s saying he wants to send his daughter to Mars or he’s an alien. Alec Baldwin an alien? Ahh, run! I’m too young to be tentacle raped.

On an episode of “The View” airing tomorrow, Rosie O’Donnell and Barbara Walters interviewed Alec Baldwin about the horrible voicemail he left on his daughter’s phone. Alec is so distraught, he has asked NBC to be let out early from his contract with the just renewed “30 Rock”. NBC denied his request and he will fulfill his duties for next season. Baldwin’s rep says,

“Baldwin said that when he left an angry voice mail for Ireland calling her “a rude, thoughtless little pig,” he was inappropriately directing feelings that should have been expressed to Kim. He had never done this before. He also talked [in the interview] about the time he spent two weeks with Ireland [but] without Kim in L.A. As soon as Kim returned, his daughter stopped picking up the phone.”

Ireland and well-adjusted may never be used in the same sentence again. She’ll be like an abused dog. Whenever someone bangs pots together or makes any loud noise, she’ll scamper away like a rabbit. Or maybe more like a gazelle since she’s already 6ft. tall. I have no idea why I associate tall people with gazelles. Probably because they’re graceful like me. I make falling into a ravine look like an art form.