Lindsay Lohan’s Today interview is finally up and if you don’t want to sit through this two-parter, here’s a quick summary. They begin by showing Lindsay at 19 on the Today show, back when she had a career, showed promise and didn’t have a bloated face. Good, good. Let’s start the interview by depressing her.

Matt Lauer moves on to her upcoming SNL hosting gig where we learn everything isn’t “off-limits.” She actually consulted with an attorney on what was acceptable or not.

Lindsay was then told to imagine herself at 30 and what people would be talking about then. Proving that this girl is still delusional, she said she’ll have won an Oscar by then. *Shakes head until brain bruises*

Well, to be fair, she said she’ll have just come from the Oscars. So maybe it’s a more realistic goal and she’s just hoping for an invite to the Oscars in 5 years. Which is maybe doable.

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Part 2:

Octomom Nadya Suleman made an appearance on the Today show this morning and brought along her eight kids that she wants dead. She talked to Ann Curry about barely making ends meet while her kids ran rampant around the studio. One of them even plowed through the backdrop and almost ended up on the street.

She also claimed she never told In Touch that she wishes she never had them and that she’s contemplated suicide. Nadya says she’s looking to sue In Touch for slander. Meanwhile, her kids are still going crazy and Nadya has to count them off to see if she got them all.

I’m getting fed up just watching this. If I was her, I’d think about killing them too. I mean, is there any way we can gift these kids away. You might never be invited back to another Christmas party but at least those damn monsters would be gone.

Robert Pattinson was interviewed by Matt Lauer on Today where he explained his completely rational fear of clowns which is actually related to Water for Elephants which he was promoting.

Pattinson said the first time he ever went to a circus, he watched a clown die. He told Lauer, “The first time I went to a circus, somebody died. “One of the clowns died.”

Lauer pressed Robert for details and he explained, “His little car exploded. The joke car exploded on him. Seriously! Everybody ran out. It was terrifying. And that’s the only time I’ve ever been to the circus.”

The other clowns running around the car flailing their arms and honking their noses while giggling maniacally will haunt him forever.

Any other day this post about Olivia Munn would feature a lot of sighing and groaning. Today, however, she gets a reprieve because today she was on Today with Kathie Lee Gifford where she chugged three glasses of wine.

The segment was about her see-through panties controversy and everyone there agreed, people are idiots. To celebrate their sisterhood or whatever, they toasted their fancy glasses of wine. And then Olivia Munn downed hers and everyone else’s. What a champ.

So… ro-sham-bo to see who gets to take her home later?

Dina Lohan showed up on Today where she finally admitted Lindsay Lohan has a drug problem despite years of denial.

She says Lindsay is a changed person from only five weeks of rehab. “She’s just a different person. She’s been in a couple facilities, but this one to me has really changed her.” Consider that this rehab isn’t really a rehab because Lindsay can leave to shop and get Starbucks whenever she wants. The only thing that’s changed is she’s gotten pretty good at escaping a real jail sentence.

When asked why Dina denied her daughter was a drug abuser the last time she was on Today, Dina gave an excuse she found in a fortune cookie.

“Yes,” she is comfortable admitting Lindsay is an addict, Dina told Lauer. And the reason she’d been unwilling to admit as much before was because Lindsay had to admit it first. “As a mother it wasn’t for me to come and tell the world about her problem … I wasn’t in denial. It was for her to come to her evolution. As a mother we protect. Now I’m happy and relieved myself.”

Translation: I didn’t want to publicly admit Lindsay had a problem because she was still my golden goose but now there’s hard evidence she took cocaine so I kind of have to.

Dina later whispered in Matt Lauer’s ear, “Do you guys do direct deposit?”

Dina Lohan spoke with Matt Lauer on Today about, who else, Lindsay Lohan. Dina begins the interview by bragging, “Actually, the judge is now being recused. We have a new judge on the case. I don’t know if you know that. It just happened two days ago. So I think she went overboard and played serious hardball with Lindsay.”

Dina was then asked if Lindsay deserved jail time for her offense. She replied that Lindsay didn’t violate anything (she did) and she just missed a couple of classes that she made up and she was working at the time (she wasn’t). Then Dina once again goes back to how Judge Marsha Revel took herself off the case like it’s proof that Revel had it out for Lindsay.

Other important points in the interview include:

- Lindsay will be getting out of rehab early
- The media is a bunch of liars intent on pushing their propaganda to sell magazines
- Lindsay was in jail with murderers (implying she didn’t belong) and that she’s made friends with some of them
- According to Dina, Lindsay has only been in rehab twice
- She says she’s been there for Lindsay and then says she let Lindsay go to LA when she was 19 and let her fall and fail alone because without failure, there is no success. Uh huh.
- Dina was in the entertainment industry too! Although, no one knows it.

One of the biggest reasons Lindsay is the way she is is because her own mother makes excuses for her. She did nothing wrong, poor little lamb. Everyone is out to get her. They just want to see her fall. See? Dina can prove it because even the judge had to recuse herself before she was fired. A fact she mentions 10 times in the interview.

Ugh. Lindsay is surrounded by so many yes-men that she believes nothing she does is wrong. Lindsay could have been raised by wolves and came out with a better sense of responsibility.

As you know, Jeremy Piven dropped out of the Broadway play Speed the Plow amidst claims that he suffered from mercury poisoning due to eating too much raw sushi. Piven claimed that he was having trouble remembering his lines and fainting in his room.

Piven then made an appearance on Today to explain himself saying the only protein he’d ever gotten for the past 20 years was through eating fish. So you would see how Piven would have come down with mercury poison at some point.

Regardless, the National Fisheries Institute took offense to his comments. They ended up annotating Piven’s Today interview with facts of their own such as “there is no peer-reviewed evidence that anyone in the U.S. has ever suffered from mercury poisoning from eating commercial seafood,” and “Jeremy Piven is a big fat head.” The NFI has a really good point with that last one.

While people can get mercury poisoning from fish, it doesn’t happen often, but there have been instances where high levels of mercury have been found in tuna sushi. Decide for yourselves, I guess.