I used to think flag football as for kids under 6, women or nancy boys, but now I see that Tom Arnold has the right idea, playfully letting Marisa Miller tackle him at the DIRECTV 4th Annual Celebrity Beach Bowl over the weekend. If this was me, I’d have to sit out for a quarter because of the massively painful boner I’d have.

[Miami, February 6. Images via INF.]

Tom Arnold talked to Access Hollywood’s Nancy O’Dell and opened up about his childhood which was 10% happy-go-lucky, 90% molestation. He actually goes into detail. Not too graphic, but enough to make you appreciate the efforts of Chris Hansen.

Tom says when he was 4, his mother was having an affair and decided to leave him with a neighbor who molested him whenever she went to meet the guy. The neighbor and him would always play “a game” and afterward he’d be rewarded with a candy bar. This continued until he was 7. Tom explained in depth and it was all very frightening.

“When you say sex, [do] you mean he penetrated you?” Nancy asked.

“Without getting too specific… Yeah… He did everything to me that bad guys do,” Tom said.

Tom said his alleged molester called what he did “a game.” But as he got older, he knew the molestation was anything but.

“As I got a little bit older, I knew something was really wrong with this game,” Tom said.

“Did you feel — even at age 4 — that [it was wrong]?” Nancy asked.

“I knew it was strange at age 4,” Tom replied. “He would obviously touch me and do things to me and I knew that it hurt… I do remember having bleeding and my dad was concerned about that.”

Tom said things got very serious when he began to struggle against his alleged molester.

“As I got older, I resisted more and he threatened [me],” Tom said. “One day he had a gun and he pulled it out and came out to the front porch. My dad was getting out of his car, he [had just gotten] home from work. And [the man] said ‘I could shoot your dad between the eyes from here.’ And he could! It was like, across the street and so that was a warning to me.”

But the incident was also a call to arms for 7-year-old Tom.

“He was threatening to kill my dad and I couldn’t have that. My dad was my hero. And so my dad had a gun in the house … and [in] the other part of the house was a locked case with a cartridge. I found a way to break in — my dad remembers this too — I came out in the middle of the street with the gun.”

That’s absolutely horrible. The guy should be sodomized with a gun wielded by a man with an itchy trigger finger. But, um, wait. To clarify. When Tom says candy bar, do you think he means, like, a regular old Kit-Kat? Because, personally, I wouldn’t do it for anything less than a king size Snickers or king size Musketeer. I’m a tough negotiator.

[Image via Splash News]