Tom Cruise’s big gay musical Rock of Ages just got a full trailer. I have no idea what’s going on and I’m never going to watch it because musicals make me violently ill, but judging by the trailer, it looks like a vehicle built around Tom Cruise playing Rockband on XBOX but to an audience much larger than the stuffed animals you lined up on the couch.

Know how Rosie O’Donnell knows Tom Cruise isn’t gay? Because he drives race cars. Think about it. Gay people HATE race cars. Appearing on Piers Morgan Tonight on Sunday, Rosie explained:

A lot of people have said to me oh you know so and so…are they gay? I personally don’t know a star who I have come to know and become intimately friendly in my life with who is living a false reality. I don’t, I really don’t. People say to me all the time “Tom Cruise is gay.” I’ve been around Tom Cruise a lot. Tom Cruise drives race cars. I do not think Tom Cruise is gay. BuzzFeed

And that’s about the point John Travolta put in his order for 4 race cars. “The fastest ones you got! With v16 engines and really loud and leave off the tassels and little bell this time.”

Tom Cruise flew in to Mumbai for the premiere of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and arrived to a roaring crowd of 200 or so paid fans who had no idea who he was because they were hired for $3 each and promised a buffet by a modeling agency to be there.

“Tom kaun? I don’t know who he is or what he does. We were told to come here by 1pm today and wait for a foreign VIP to come out of the airport gate and scream and shout when he came. None of us know who Tom is. There was a buffet lunch also for us and we were paid Rs 150 for this job today. We do this for television shows and other such events where crowds are required,” said one of the junior artistes at the airport, who was hired as an excited Tom fan. FirstPost

Glad these guys weren’t paid to fake an interview. That would have been something. “Oh, ya, ya. I’ve seen all of Tom Kaun’s movies. ‘The Final Samurai’, ‘Raindrop Man’, ‘Eyes Largely Closed’, ‘A Few Pleasing Men’, ‘Top Pistol’, ‘Mission Hardly Possible’… I love them all!”

The Village Voice scored an interview with Valeska Paris, the woman who was basically forced into Scientology slavery aboard a cruise ship, the Freewinds, for 12 years. She describes what it was like to “work” there.

It all began when Valeska’s mother publicly spoke out against Scientology. Naturally, she was labeled a “suppressive person.” At the time, Valeska was working with Sea Org, disconnected from the rest of the world, and, out of the blue without explanation, she was asked to disconnect from her family. She was kept in isolation from her mother at 17 and a year later at 18 was transferred to the Freewinds, the cruise ship that sails the Caribbean and caters to wealthy Scientologists paying for the highest level of spiritual training, Operating Thetan level eight, or “OT VIII,” where a two week stay turned into 12 years. *Gasps* Lucky b*tch got a 12 year vacation. Amirite?

“Well, the schedule in the Sea Org is very different than in the real world. You’d get up at 6 and go to work, and you’d work until midnight. In 1997 and 1998, after our regular jobs we were up every night until 4 am cleaning up asbestos,” she says. “There was rubble on the deck. We’d have to go behind the guys doing renovations, vacuuming up dirt until 4 in the morning.” Village Voice

Oh, Inotrite. But it must have been cool when Tom Cruise came to visit, right? She must have at least gotten an autograph to sell on eBay.

“We were all pulled down to the cinema,” Valeska says, remembering the special announcement when they were told that Tom Cruise was coming to the ship for his birthday, which is July 3. “We were all told we can’t ask for his autograph, or we’d get a comm ev.” (A “committee of evidence” is a sort of Scientology disciplinary trial.) “We can’t tell anyone that he’s coming to the ship or that he’d been to the ship, or again, a comm ev. And we had to call him ‘sir.’ It was like he was David Miscavige’s deputy or something.”

That sucks. Then… at least she got a look at Tommy. How did he look? Is he as good looking in real life as in his movies? Spill, sista!

As the date for the party neared, however, Valeska committed a grave error.

She got a cold sore.

“David Miscavige saw that I had a cold sore, and I was assigned to lower conditions and I was put in isolation for 4 days,” she says. She explains that she was assigned the “condition” of “Treason,” which is below “Enemy” but above “Confusion.”

“I was in Treason. So I wasn’t allowed to go to Tom Cruise’s birthday.”

This story is getting more and more depressing. However, one tidbit she did get is that only men were allowed to serve Tom Cruise because he was so beautiful, any woman would automatically fall in love. And the men had to wear only speedos, free of all body hair and be oiled up. To, um, make them work faster with less wind resistance. Okay, that last part might not be true.

“He said, ‘Tom Cruise is coming and I need really good service, so who’s going to serve him?’ A woman spoke up. ‘No, no, it can’t be a woman, because he’s so good looking, any woman would fall for him.’ So a guy had to take the job,” she says.

As luck would have it, the man assigned to serve Cruise slept in so she did his job and managed not to fall in love. What willpower!

The first morning after Cruise arrived however, the male worker assigned to serve Cruise and his guest, Penelope Cruz, slept in, and Valeska ended up doing the job.

His ass was probably sore… from working 18 hours a day of course.

The trailer for Brad Bird’s installment of the Mission Impossible series is out and it’s looking pretty good. But maybe I’m just hyping it up because of that part where Tom Cruise runs down the world’s tallest building.

How old is this guy? 49? If that was me and I was 49, I’d be leaning all the way back slowly inching down the building nervously stuttering, “I’m not sure about this, guys. Is there a smaller building we can do this on?” Then I’d cry for my mommy.

Tom Cruise went to the wedding of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol producer David Ellison over the weekend and, if Step Up has taught people anything, it’s that when someone shimmies up to you on the dance floor and vibrates their body in front of you, it’s the equivalent of slapping you in the face with a glove. Suffice to say, dance battle challenge accepted!

I’m not exactly sure who won since they both looked like gigantic dorks so I’ll just have to go with us, the viewers.

Tom Cruise, not filming scenes, rocked out on the balcony of his SoHo hotel room in Miami, Florida yesterday to give the crowd below a taste of what his upcoming film Rock of Ages would be like.

So, if you guessed it’d be like a shirtless Tom Cruise flamboyantly hopping around a balcony with a tasseled mic stand, then congratulations, you’re psychic! Can you tell me the winning lotto numbers too, Mr. Smarty Pants?

The trailer for the upcoming Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol which was supposed to premiere before Transformers was leaked earlier. Now that it’s Wednesday, we get a high quality version.

The film, co-written by J.J. Abrams and directed by Brad Bird, stars Tom Cruise, Ving Rhames, Jeremy Renner, Josh Holloway, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton and Ani Kapoor, hits theaters December 16.

It doesn’t look bad at all. Tom Cruise may be a nut and pushing 50 but damn if he doesn’t look cool jumping 10 stories from a building. *Flutters eyelashes*

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes attended the premiere of Katie’s The Kennedys at the Goldwyn Theater in Beverly Hills yesterday. Kennedys was dropped by Starz but picked up by Reelz Channel. Katie was off-leash and didn’t even have the look of fear in her eye! But she still wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone.

Here you go, ladies. It’s a buff Tom Cruise with his nipples poking out of his shirt. Next thing you know, he’ll be wearing dresses and flashing his bare crotch. What a whore.

Tom Cruise feels old age nipping at his heels so he does what any rational man would do. He steal his wife’s makeup. The National Enquirer says Cruise is “so pretty” that he raids Katie’s stash of makeup and beauty supplies. Tom even uses Katie’s foundation before public events and lightly applies mascara to make his eyelashes look fuller.

“Tom is in major midlife crisis mode,” revealed a source.

“He’s freaking out over the new lines on his face, the gray hairs on his head and on his face when he shaves.

“He has started applying Katie’s high-priced facial creams, cleansers and even her makeup – and he loves the results!”

Tom has become a daily user of Katie’s pricey cosmetics, including a face cream that retails for $320. He also uses the same facial masks she uses on a daily basis, say insiders.

Tom should be a spokesperson for Maybelline. Their new tag line could be, “Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s the Maybelline he steals from his wife when she’s not looking. Coughgaycough.”

Despite all the jokes about Tom Cruise, one thing is for sure, this dude has balls. He almost always does his own stunts and this is no exception.

Here he is jumping off the mid-section of the tallest skyscraper in the world. Tom was on top of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai which stands 2,717 feet tall to film scenes or maybe a promo for Mission Impossible 4: Mission Impossibler or something like that. A film crew in a helicopter buzzed ten feet away to catch the action.

Photographer Gerald Donovan tells Gizmodo that this was possibly for a promo and not for the film itself but, whatever, here’s how Tom got to the top:

1. He first took elevator BS1: Concourse (4.0 m.) to level 138 (508.2 m.)
2. Then got into elevator BS3: Level 138 to level 160 (621.3 m.)
3. From there, he got elevator BS4: Level 160 to section 18B (646.9 m.) You can also take the steep stairs/landings from 160 to 18B.
4. After that, he climbed the ladder from section 18B to section 19 (653.3 m.)
5. Went from section 19 to section 21 (691.7 m.) taking the steep stairs/landings.
6. Climbed the ladder inside the pinnacle pipe: Section 21 to top platform (826.6 m.)

I’d pee my pants after the first elevator ride. By the time I went to climb the ladder, I’d be shrieking like a girl and crying until two brave and strong fireman carried me down like a princess. “My, what big muscles you have Mr. Fireman.”

Josh Holloway from Lost was recently added to the cast of the next Mission Impossible movie. He’ll play a guy with long flowy hair. Fabio? Is Fabio in that movie? Well, anyway. Here’s Tom Cruise in Prague wearing a mustache filming for MI4. Doesn’t he look dapper? Am I using that word right? I’m not sure how thesauruses work.