Tommy Lee fired off a letter to SeaWorld on behalf of PETA condemning the park of keeping Tilikum the killer whale in captivity only because “he is your chief sperm bank.” What pisses off Tommy even more though is how they get the sperm.

“We know from SeaWorld’s own director of safety (as well as videos on the web) that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water.”

“Even in my wildest days with Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted.”

I bet that last part isn’t true but SeaWorld went “eww” anyway and issued a denial.

“If Mr. Lee’s information on Tilikum and SeaWorld’s artificial insemination program for killer whales comes from PETA we’re not surprised that it’s wrong. PETA is as careless with facts as they are extreme in their views.”

“The process of collecting semen for [artificial insemination] doesn’t differ in any meaningful way from the techniques employed in managing livestock or other species for zoological display.”
“Contrary to the charges made by PETA and repeated in Lee’s letter, our trainers do not now nor have they ever entered the water with Tilikum for this purpose. The safety of SeaWorld staff and the welfare of our animals are our highest priorities.”

“Whatever his views on SeaWorld, Mr. Lee would be wise to spend more time checking his facts.

SeaWorld could have also argued that in Tommy Lee’s sex tape, he also masturbated with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water. *Snaps fingers in air, goes ‘mmm, hmm, girlfriend’*

Pamela Anderson’s exes, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, got into a shoving match at the MTV VMAs last night. Page Six says Kid Rock “sucker smacked” Tommy Lee.

The ensuing fight lasted 15 seconds and each man was escorted out separately by security. After the fracas, which wasn’t caught by the network’s cameras, MTV News correspondent Sway joked, “There was a fight tonight, and I’m glad to see it wasn’t rappers.” Kid Rock was later cited for misdemeanor battery and could face up to six months in jail, but that it would be uncommon, Officer Bill Cassell told the AP.

Some say “sucker smacked” sounds very homoerotic. Tommy Lee disagrees. Just look at his face. It’s slightly red. Not from the fight mind you, from the embarrassment. Because to call this a fight would be an insult to men everywhere. I’ve seen chubby kids fiercer than this. That’s what happens when you steal their hotdog. Their meaty hands are like little clubs I tell ya.

At Dune in the Hamptons, Tommy Lee hooked up with a blond girl and started fucking her on the banquette in front of everyone. But, don’t worry. He asked for permission first.

“When Tommy walked in, he asked, ‘Is it cool to have sex in here?’ The hostess thought he was kidding, but . . . then he just went to town with this girl. We were trying not to pay attention because it was so disgusting.”

What would have been mean is if Page Six didn’t put a picture of Tommy Lee up and made the story more vague. Then everyone could assume they were talking about Tommy Lee Jones. Then, instead of being moderately disgusted, I would be wrapped up in a blanket, shivering in the corner, clutching a cross and trying to figure out how to wash my brain with bleach.

I’m glad the Colts won because the Bears suck. Why keep passing when it’s intercepted every other time?

• Ashlee Simpson shops. [Glitterati]
• Because I Said So is so good. Just kidding. [Pajiba]
• Marc Anthony dry humps Jennifer Lopez. [Bastardly]
• Justin Timberlake is a badass. [Evil Beet]
• Six foot tall Kimora Lee is a lesbian. [Celebitchy]
• Britney Spears has a hygiene problem. [Celebrity Smack]
• Celebrity fashion trademarks. [CityRag]
• Tommy Lee is desperate. [Celebslam]
• Brooke Shields comes back to prime-time. [ICYDK]
• Ryan Phillipe does the dad thing. [Popsugar]
• Jenny McCarthy had an areola slip. [Yeeeah]
• Steve-O gets thrown out of a bar for pissing on it. [Dlisted]

Kid Rock is pissed over the fact Tommy Lee is banging his ex Pamela Anderson so he rallied up two bodyguards at the Hard Rock Hotel and kicked down what he thought was Tommy’s door. Instead he found himself face to face with a startled family. He made it up to them by signing an autograph before running to avoid security.

“Tommy has been calling Kid Rock and taunting him about Pam, and Kid Rock was ready to kick some serious ass,” a source said. Lee’s rep told us, “Tommy is aware that this incident occurred, but wasn’t at the time as he was staying on another floor.”

Kid Rock trying to be intimidating would be like a baby giving you an angry face. Except Kid is no where near cute. He would be more like an angry proboscis monkey. Ugly and laughable. Sure I could have just said those two things outright, but don’t you want to know what a proboscis monkey looks like?