At times, Tori Spelling looks like a rejected experiment that a plastic surgeon tossed into the dumpster. Other times she could pass as normal. That’s just us though. For Dean McDermott, Tori is hot 100% of the time. Even when she looks like someone stuffed her with a glazed ham. His wedding day must have been the last time he wore his glasses.

The actress and reality TV star didn’t want to stop having sex with husband Dean McDermott and so they got back to the bedroom as soon as she brought her new baby home – and learned she was pregnant again when the baby was a month old.

The 38 year old tells Life & Style magazine, “I was like, ‘Well, I don’t want him (husband) to think that the sex is going downhill. So here you go, (baby number) four!”

The star, who is due in September, adds, “All my friends keep asking, ‘Was it planned?’ I said, ‘Seriously, Hattie was one month old – do you think it was planned?’”

But she couldn’t be happier: “I’m never as happy as when I’m pregnant and Dean can’t keep his hands off me! He’s like, ‘You’re the sexiest pregnant woman.’ I literally would have 10 (babies) if I could!”

Aw, gross, Tori Spelling pregnancy sex. Excuse me while I scrub my brain with an iron loofah.

Tori Spelling won’t stop pushing babies out of her womb and unleashing a plague of hellish Spelling offspring. Tori went on her website today to tell everyone that five months after giving birth to her third kid, she’s pregnant with her fourth.

Dean, Liam, Stella, Hattie, and I are beyond thrilled to announce that another little McDermott is on the way! We feel truly blessed that another angel has found us.

Love,
Tori
xoxo

In related news, for the next two weeks, Tori’s vagina will be closed for renovations while they install a turnstile up in there.

That retching sound you hear is me dry heaving into a trash can because yesterday, Dean McDermott, Tori Spelling’s husband, posted a picture of their son to Twitter. What was meant to be an adorable candid turned out to be the equivalent of a kick in the balls. Dean didn’t do a not safe for life check before posting the pic to Twitter because if he did, he would have seen Tori’s big floppy pancake breasts lounging around in the background. We should graft a permanent censor bar on Tori’s chest. Does anyone have the number for the doctor from The Human Centipede? I think he can help us out. NSFW pic here.

Fame released a few pictures of the “wall” Tori Spelling claimed to have hit after being chased by an aggressive paparazzo. Tori must be prone to exaggeration because this “pretty big accident” looks way less impressive than she made it out to be. This isn’t a wall so much as it is a barrier and she didn’t “take down the whole wall” so much as she sideswiped it. If I was famous, I’d blame this accident on a photog too to keep my insurance premiums down.

A pregnant Tori Spelling crashed into the wall of her kids’ school with both her children in tow. She went on Twitter and blamed it on a paparazzo who she said was recklessly following her. Women and cars already don’t mix so this could have ended much worse.

Paparazzi chased me w/the kids 2school. I was trying to get away from him and had a pretty big accident. Took down whole wall of school. He thn STILL got out to try to get pics. 10 school moms chased him away. Wht will it take? Someone dying for paparazzi to stop? Going to dr now to check on baby. I think its just shock.

Considering Princess Diana died because of paparazzi chasing her, I’d say it probably won’t stop. Then again, is Tori Spelling telling the truth? Ask yourself this. Why would anyone go above the minimum amount effort to photograph Tori Spelling. Maybe she confused a guy on his cellphone with a paparazzo with a camera?

Tori Spelling spent Memorial Day showing off her baby bump and saggy boobs at the beach. It was gross. Happy Tuesday.

Tori Spelling announced over Twitter that she’s pregnant again in the cutest way possible. By assuming people had been asking about it. Aw, isn’t she precious?

I know there’s been a lot of speculation, so I wanted everyone to hear from me… Its official…Dean & I are PREGNANT!!!!

This will be Tori and Dean McDermott’s third child. They already have a 4-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter. The real speculation is what’s going to happen to her body. By the time this pregnancy is over, she’s going to be dragging her boobs on the floor like Joe Francis does with his knuckles.

How would you like to be Tori Spelling’s kid? If the fact that you have to face this gaunt, witch-looking creature who you think will throw you in the oven every day doesn’t scare you, than maybe the fact that Tori has a picture of her half-naked with her husband in plain view in the bathroom will. These kids are going to be messed up later in life. If I had to walk by a semi-nude photo of my mom every day as a kid, I’d have stayed in bed shivering all night trying not to fall asleep because god knows what kind of nightmares I’d have. [Hollywood Life]

The New York Post reports Tori Spelling haunted the halls of a Los Angeles hospital two times within two days for severe stomach pain. Tori’s husband, Dean McDermott, twittered the following to their fans, aka themselves:

“Just out of the hospital. After a battery of tests, no conclusive answers. She still feels terrible. Hope it passes soon. She’s in a lot of pain.”

I’m no doctor, but I would suggest running a test that shows her stomach trying to make a mad dash away from her uneven titties. Her stomach probably spent every morning planning its escape after awakening one too many times to a cadaverous breast resting just below Tori’s rib cage while the other was safely nestled in her armpit. That, or Tori really needs to poop.

And in other news, elderly patients at an unnamed LA hospital wrote a letter expressing how pleased they were with the life-like display of Lord of the Ring’s Gollum and requested his return at once.

Candy Spelling has started using TMZ as an intermediary to her daughter, Tori. She sent an open letter to the site explaining why she’s not going to go to her granddaughter’s first birthday party. Candy said she doesn’t want the first time she meets her granddaughter to be a stunt for reality tv.

I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn’t match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it’s the same way with my daughter.

Life has consequences. What you say is on the record. Other people have feelings.

I have a vested interest in this subject. My daughter, Tori’s, two-part season finale revolves around my granddaughter’s first birthday party and how she has made what seems like an agonizing decision to invite me.

Cue music. Cue sideways glances. Cue Lights.

I did get an invitation just in time for the RSVP deadline. I’m sure its delivery will be on next week’s episode with some comment about my house or driveway or street or something they won’t like. I wonder if that will be spread out over one part or two. Sigh.

A big party wasn’t how I envisioned meeting my granddaughter for the first time; but, hey, this is Hollywood, and my grandchildren have become reality show props, too. At the time I emailed “yes,” I didn’t realize I was being set up for a two-parter, even though it was clear I was being invited to be part of a segment for my daughter’s reality show.

Spoiler alert. Don’t read this if you plan to sit through an hour of people looking at their watches and saying “she’s late.” I decided my first meeting with my granddaughter should be on home video, not primetime cable; so I emailed that I would not be attending.

Back to other reality stars. My husband taught me that the plots have to be fresh and updated. The same old whining gets tired after a while. Enough complaining about what may or may not have happened during first grade or YMCA camp, or what vegetable you were forced to endure, especially when you are privileged enough to be on TV and get paid for it.

For all the reality show personalities, please remember that real life doesn’t get edited to make things better or worse or get better ratings. You’re responsible for what you do. Life isn’t just a show. And your families can’t just be props. Make your own season finale without creating conflicts you will regret later.

In next week’s episode, Tori Spelling will angrily deny that she uses kids as props in her reality series. All the while she’ll be waving the baby in front of the camera. Tori probably wants to film the kid’s first words which will be, “Why won’t grandma come visit me?”

I sat here for 30 minutes trying to come up with something clever to say, but the only thing that came to mind was: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” I swear my neighbors must have called the cops because it sounded like I was being raped. And I was. Visually.

Who would make a see-through bikini much less let Tori wear it? The city should find out and punish the guy for crimes against humanity.

You thought you could run. You thought you could hide. You though you had escaped. But you were wrong. It’s back. More pictures of Tori Spelling in a bikini. Now 50% more disturbing. Marvel at that fat head on top of the emaciated body. It gives me the shivers. She looks more like the Goddess Bunny than anything else. Her kid must have made the “I just drank spoiled milk” face every time she tried to breast feed him.

Candy Spelling and Tori Spelling haven’t gotten along for ages and judging by an interview she had with 94.7, things haven’t changed much. They may have actually become worse. While promoting her book, Stories from Candyland, Candy told the radio station that Tori killed Aaron Spelling.

“My daughter one day decided that she wasn’t speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that’s how it’s continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years.”

“And it was sad, that’s what killed my husband, actually. He just didn’t want to live after that. He [had] just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn’t do anything for her.”

Candy went on to wonder out loud why she and Tori have always talked about reconnecting, but have never gone through with it.

“I’ve always been trying to work on the relationship. I don’t know what the anger is.”

Yea, what’s your problem, Tori? Where is this anger coming from? You act like your mother said something deeply hurtful. As if Candy told the world you killed your father or something. Man, whatever your problem is, Tori, you need to get over it. Your mother isn’t going to be waiting around with open arms forever. God, sometimes no one knows what’s going on in that head of yours.