Over the weekend, Sting was on his rented $35,000 a day yacht in Sydney harbor sucking the toes off his wife Trudie. I’ll never understand why people are into this. They’re feet. You can clean them and scrub them, but at the end of the day they’re still feet. They sweat in your socks and some of them even have toe jam. You could get the same effect sucking on the ground underneath your refrigerator or licking the crevice between Rosie O’Donnell’s second and third chin.

Sting and his wife Trudie Styler have often discussed their “amazing” sex life and how they keep it interesting with tantric sex, swinger’s parties and strip clubs. Today, the two have opened the doors to their $24 million Manhattan apartment to let everyone see their den of iniquity and the Daily Mail has the pictures.

The centrepiece of the 18-room apartment overlooking Central Park is an extraordinary scarlet bedroom embroidered in gold and dominated by two explicit Helmut Newton prints.

In one, an unidentified woman lays virtually naked, with her legs spread in the back of a vintage Mercedes as a man leans over from the front seat to unzip one of her spike-heeled boots.

The other image, above the bed head, shows the lower half of another female wearing just stockings, suspenders and high heels.

…And under the bed holds enough space for a weeks worth of Depends. Baby wipes have replaced the toilet paper in the bathroom and a slip guard has been installed in the bathtub.

But, seriously. This is disturbing. Granted, if you enjoy imagining the sound of loose pieces of flesh on two old people slapping against each other while they have sex, then this story must be heaven. For everyone else, proceed to the nearest sink, look under it to find the bleach and begin chugging.